“And maybe I’m a little smarter now than I was before for all the stupid things I’ve done. “
Before I met my abuser, I was a happy, upbeat free-spirit. I looked at the positive in every situation, and over-looked other people’s flaws and chose to recognize their good points instead. I was always smiling and cheerful.
After the abuse, I felt my optimism had betrayed me. It helped me fail to recognize cruel and self-interested behavior in people I had cared about. I had minimized their faults in favor of focusing on their better qualities. Perhaps that is why it’s been so difficult for me to get back to my happy self. I am afraid of overlooking the negative. If I shrug off insults or bullying without standing up for myself then I will remain a doormat.
However, there is no reason I can’t be a happy and optimistic person and stand up for myself. Setting boundaries doesn’t make me mean or unapproachable. It has taken a conscious effort to accept that being optimistic may make me more vulnerable to unjust attacks, but it is the only way I’d choose to live my life. I will not live in fear any longer. I am breaking out of the confines of self-doubt and taking on the world (with my rosie colored glasses). I am the only person capable of holding myself back, and I am not going to do it anymore.
I am going to finish the Tough Mudder- water tunnels, electric shock, and all. I will finish that marathon. I will not only finish, but will do it all with a smile on my face- because that’s just how I roll. I will also do it with the knowledge that I am raising money for a worthy cause and inspiring other victims to move on from the confined existence of abuse.
Thanks for reading! These posts are going to come in a flood now that I am back home with a computer. Sorry for anyone whose inbox is about to be flooded! As always, comments and questions are always welcome and appreciated. 🙂