Can’t Keep a Good Girl Down

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either,

for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel.

It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart.

You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near,

let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps,

wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 

― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

Sooo life has been throwing me A LOT of curve balls recently (huge understatement); and I very well could curl up, cry about it, feel sorry for myself, and gain a ton of weight eating junk food… while hating the whole world. However, the only thing that would accomplish is self loathing, and that’s not really the lifestyle I’m going for.  Sure, MANY things have been sucking in my life recently, and there are several people who were important in my life who have hurt and let me down recently.  I’m not going to lie- it blows…  (ESPECIALLY for someone like me who has still has PTSD even on my best days and some seriously justified trust issues).

On the other hand, I am a firm believer that everything about life can’t suck all the time.  Bad things happen, but they are usually also accompanied by some good.  The problem is people get so caught up in the hurt and drama they forget to look for it and appreciate it.

Well, I am not going to allow myself to get bogged down and not appreciate the good stuff.  Break ups are hard, betrayal is hard, loss is hard, LIFE IS HARD; and it’s going to kill every one of us.  How we choose to spend our finite time on this planet is up to us.

I would rather focus on all the people I can still count on than the ones I can’t.  I would rather make new friends than worry about the ones who have screwed me over.  If someone does something to blatantly disrespect my feelings (on a repeated basis), then they were never worth my time in the first place.  Why waste any more energy over a person like that?  Getting angry and bitter is a huge WASTE OF TIME AND ENERGY.  I would rather spend it devouring some hills (like this morning 😉 before boot camp…. YES, I started boot camp again… with some modified exercises)

I have been through enough crap in my life and  have spent more than enough time worrying about other people and trying to please them.  Now the only people whose approval I care about are the ones who I respect.  I have plenty of friends- true friends.  I don’t need a bunch of shallow relationships at this point in my life.  I am not out to compete with anyone other than myself, and if someone is looking to start drama with me they are going to be sorely disappointed.  Try and interfere with my relationships.  Go ahead and compete with me.  I don’t care.  It’s not worth my time.  I’m secure with who I am.  I don’t need to beat you at something to feel good about myself.  Likewise, I don’t need to collect a bunch of “cool” friends to feel important.  Any friend of mine who is willing to drop me for you was never a good one to begin with, so thanks for weeding them out for me.

I spent this past weekend with multiple amazing people.  They made me laugh until I cried (there may have been a cinnamon challenge involved… get boot camper together and $hit gets crazy!).  They offered words of support even without knowing the details of what’s been going on.  They invited me into their homes expecting nothing in return.  There was no cattiness, no one-upping, no complaining- just enjoyment of each other’s company.  I hung out with new friends and old friends, and they all made me feel welcome and accepted… which is truly all anyone really wants to feel, am I right?

It was a chance to forget all the drama and remind myself that (as cheesy as it sounds) I am not an island.  I have people in my life who will love and support me no matter what happens.  I am a kind, caring, and lovable person: the type of person who will do anything for someone I care about.  If someone has a problem with me, it’s their problem.  If someone treats me badly, and I need to take a step back (or cut them out of my life completely) then it’s their loss.  I will make new friends.  I will build new relationships, and my life will go on.

*******

There are not words to express how much it meant to me to spend time with each of the individuals I did this weekend.  I am extremely grateful to all of them for not only providing a distraction from all the drama in my life right now, but also reminding me how many wonderful people there are in this world who will appreciate and accept me as I am.  In spite of everything that has and will happen to me in my life, I will continue to remind myself how truly blessed I truly am.

There are people who go through there entire lives without ever making a single true, loyal friend.   I am beyond fortunate to have many wonderful friends who care about me scattered throughout the country and in my own town.  Distance doesn’t matter when you have a true bond.  I have more support in my life than I ever could have imagined.  To each and every one of you:  THANK YOU.

Thank you for making even the worst of days bearable, for making the good days even better, and the would be boring moments beyond entertaining.  Thank you for molding me as a person and supporting me when I need it most.  I count EACH of you as a blessing in my life.

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9 comments

  1. Like your attitude kid. Keep those thoughts in the back of your mind at all times. Don’t dwell on the weirdness going on around you but live in the spirit of the moment. Tough times? We’ll have to yak about it over one of my amazing smoothies some day! We’ll be like two old war vets comparing battle scars! lol
    take care – run on – rock on
    …and smile –
    doug

    1. Thanks Coach Doug! Life is WAYYYY easy to deal with now that I’m able to hit the gym (even if it’s on light duty). We should definitely race together sometime then chat of smoothies… 🙂

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