break up

Doing The Hard Thing… Again

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.” 
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

In the midst of all the drama going on with my family and my continued frustration at not being able to adequately blow off steam through training, I have once again been faced with the reality that Adam and I need time apart.  As much as we both love and care about each other, we just can’t seem to make it work.

Although Adam has done a lot of things that have really hurt, I don’t question that he cares deeply about me.  However, I’m just at a point where I can’t take it anymore.  He has a lot he needs to sort out for himself; and as much as I want to be there for him and help… it’s just causing me more pain than him good.

Sometimes no matter how badly you want to help someone who is drowning, they will sink despite your best effort.  At some point you need to let go before they take you down too.  I have worked too hard at rebuilding my life and making myself happy to get dragged back down by someone unwilling or unable to help himself right now, so I’m taking a step back and letting him find his own way.

As much as I know it’s the right thing in my head AND that I have truly reached my breaking point with how much hurt and disappointment I can take- it hasn’t stopped me from second guessing, hurting, or beating myself up over it.  The whole situation sucks, but I learned (quite painfully) from previous experience that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work.  It’s not something I can fix on my own, and he needs to fix himself (and find his own happiness) before we can ever even begin thinking about fixing “us” again.

In the meantime, I need to take some overdue time for myself.  My whole life has always revolved around taking care of other people, but right now I need to put me first.  For now that just means keeping sort of a low profile.  I haven’t even told anyone at boot camp yet because I didn’t want to make it awkward for all the people who know and like us both.  There’s also probably a small part of me that is afraid of how they’ll react or that they may judge me (having no idea what I’ve been through in the course of our relationship).  Ultimately, no one has the right to judge me and I can’t keep worrying about it.

Tomorrow is a new day, and everyday I’m a little stronger… eventually- like all wounds– this will heal too.