Cycling

Adjusting My Sails

“I can’t change the direction of the wind,

but I can adjust my sails to always reach my destination.”
Jimmy Dean

So before I update you all about my latest big decision, let me fill you all in on the latest going ons of the week. No big surprise that’s it’s been a busy one! Let’s break it down shall we:

The Good

On Saturday I went for a Daffodil Group Ride with some peeps from the Tri Club which entailed a very scenic 26 mile ride through the countryside. It was loads of fun, and I was able to keep up this time without any real trouble. It also was a great opportunity to meet some new people and get some mileage in on my bike. Due to the frequent stops for photos (and chatting) it was terrific practice for clipping and unclipping too!

Lately, I feel like every time I get on my bike, I get more and more comfortable… and consequently that much better. I have been extremely fortunate to have joined an exceptional Tri Club (through our local YMCA) with members who have been beyond supportive. I was so afraid initially of people getting annoyed with me for being too slow or a giant chicken, but in reality everyone has been nothing but encouraging. The group ranges from elite athletes (who –ahem– win Ironmans) to novices… to train wrecks like me. Sometimes I feel like the only newbie in the group, but I think that is primarily because I am always trying to push myself to do the harder rides and workouts. At no point, though, have any of them made me feel like I don’t belong or am not good enough to train with them. I have truly enjoyed getting to know every member I have met so far.

Plus, I have found that group riding has done wonders for my comfort level with cycling. I am so much braver when I am with the Tri Club peeps. I think a lot of it has to do with being distracted by the company. Making conversation with the people around you is a great way to relax, as it turns out. Who would have ever guessed?

Anyway, the ride was by no means easy. There was a long steady climb for a good part of the way out and lots of quick winding downs coming back. I spent most of the trip trying to catch the two gentlemen ahead of me, which was perfect for motivating to move faster without getting freaked out about it. They were both very warm and friendly, and the fact that one of them happens to be a minister only added to my ease about being around them. (I told him I felt much safer riding with a minister.. maybe that’s why I worked so hard at keeping up!)

I definitely came off the ride on a high note. I managed a moderately difficulty route… (Did I mention all the left turns, traffic, and intersections (ie cycling hazards) at the beginning?) AND I wasn’t even that tired at the end. Mostly I was hungry, but that seems to be my biggest issue with cycling. I suppose I will have to work on balancing well enough to eat without stopping… mental note to add that to my goal list…

The Bad

Now that we’ve covered the highlights of my weekend, let’s recap where it all went down hill, shall we?

Having conquered my Saturday bike with dignity still intact, I was feeling pretty optimistic going into my first open water swim. After all, I am a swimmer now. I go to the pool and turn out laps like it’s my job. I just keep going, and all is good and right in the world.

Enter the wetsuit…

I thought it was a great sign that I scored a great deal on The Clymb, and that my wetsuit came in time for the first session. However, I was slightly nervous having read all the horror stories about first time experiences with open water swimming and wetsuits. I expected the suit to feel tight. I expected to feel anxious about not being able to see more than a few inches. I even expected the water to be really cold. Somehow, though, I did not expect to struggle as badly as I did.

On the bright side, I did have a few things in my favor. The first is that swimming, in general, causes me anxiety and makes my heart rate skyrocket. In that sense, I am very accustomed to having to calm myself, slow down, and get my heart rate under control. This came in handy when the discomfort (and resulting anxiety) associated with the freezing water and tightness of the wetsuit caused my my pulse to quicken. I spent almost the entire first half of my swim doing a modified version of breast stroke (speaking of strokes… Coach M may have had one if she saw my technique) so as to keep my face out of the water… which just happened to be a cozy 64 degrees.

Being ~~completely stupid and delusional~~ a glutton for punishment, I had decided to forego starting simple and went straight for the half ironman course instead. After all, if I can swim over 2 miles easily in the pool, then 1.2 miles should be no problem, right? Yeah, not so much… There was a point when I considered turning around sooner, but I knew there was a dock waiting at the turn around for the HIM where I could get out and warm up before heading back. Had I done a shorter route, defrosting was not an option.

By the time I reached the dock, I was managing 6-10 strokes at a time before my heart rate would climb. I considered this a major victory. I was very grateful to have my own personal Triathlon Guardian Angel looking out for me (the same Tri Club member who offered reassurance and called me a rockstar at the duathlon). I hadn’t realized that he kept an eye out for me the whole way, and I actually felt guilty that I had caused him to stay in the freezing water so much longer than he would have otherwise. He kept telling me how great I was doing and meant it sincerely (which is especially amusing when you consider that I probably looked like I was drowning). In the beginning, he tried to swim beside me and give me advice on sighting and my stroke. Eventually he gave me space to sort it out on my own. It wasn’t until I saw him at the dock that I was aware of how long he had been keeping tabs on me.

Once he saw I finally had the hang of things, he headed back. Meanwhile, I only stayed out of the water long enough to warm up enough to breath before hopping right back in to start the swim back. Because they were already taking down the course, I had my own personal kayak escort for the entire stretch back (sort of the equivalent of the running sag wagon). I am proud to say that I did at least front crawl the entire way back. I only stopped twice briefly to change strokes and catch my (frozen) breath. I finally was getting the hang of sighting and was kicking harder than I probably ever had in my life to get to that shore (and my fleece pants!).

Even though I should have been proud of myself for sticking it out, I wanted to cry. My half ironman dreams seemed so out of reach at that moment. Here I had invested so much time and effort, but it did nothing to prepare me for that swim. The open water swimming was a whole separate beast. It was yet another hurdle I needed to overcome, and it made me realize how badly I wanted it.

I was surprised when I got out of the water that I was greeted not just by other people, but by some cheers. I thought everyone would have already packed up and headed home, but instead they were there encouraging me. They said they were impressed by how much I had swum (especially given how much extra I did going off course) and were surprised when I told them it was my first open water swim. I think one woman’s mouth even dropped when I told her I had only first started swimming in October. So all in all, I guess it was not as epic a failure as it seemed at the time.

The Ugly

As I said, I am a glutton for punishment. I think we are all well aware of that by now. Any normal person who had an exhausting morning of fighting a wetsuit in freezing water would probably call it a day, but I needed to know if the REV3 bike course was doable. I had heard it was hilly and challenging, however, I also have heard that triathlons tend to be less hilly than regular cycling. I convinced the hubs to ride it with me, and within 10 miles I was ready to turn around. My body was exhausted, and to be 100% honest- I WAS SCARED $H%TLESS. The course was all up or down. It was really steep at parts, and the wind was so bad it was literally knocking me off balance. Since the last miles of the course are a repeat of the beginning anyway, we basically covered over 20 miles of the course. I felt completely defeated. I couldn’t believe I had worked so hard, and yet I was light years away from what I needed to accomplish for this race.

Being the most supportive husband on the planet, the Adam rode the course on his own yesterday to see how bad it was. He biked all 56+ brutal miles just to see how long it would take and gauge if I could do it. I had no idea what he was up to until I saw him this morning. He finally agreed with me that there was no way I would make it through in the allotted time. He is a FAR superior cyclist than me and it took him 4 hours. He said he had every faith in me that I could handle the course, but didn’t think there was any way I would do it fast enough for the cut off, especially after swimming. It must have been far worse than I ever could have imagined for him to concede this. He did finally admit that it only became progressively harder throughout the route.

The Silver Lining

Obviously, I was disappointed, but he only confirmed what I already knew in my heart. The race I have had my heart set on for the past year is a greater monster than I ever could have imagined. I am not giving up on my dream to finish it one day, but it won’t be this year for me. Instead, I went ahead and registered for the Olympic Distance. Given that I am still scared to death, I am pretty sure I will still be challenging myself… which also means I should be able to live with this decision without being too disappointed. As Swim Bike Mom likes to say, the important thing is to Keep Moving Forward.

I may not meet my goal in the initial timeframe I set for myself, but I am also not giving up. I still want to do a half ironman this year, and I still want to do the REV3 Quassy (someday). In the meantime, I will continue to take steps to get there- even if they are baby steps instead of giant leaps! Right now, the next step is the REV3 Olympic Course.

In the words of Diana Nyad (my idol who I tried to channel during my freezing, anxiety provoking swim):

I will find a way.

Why I’m Not Ready to Give Up

“I’m going to succeed because I’m crazy enough to think I can.”

I’m not sure where exactly the crazy idea started that I needed to do a Half IM or why it had to be the REV 3 at Quassy. I think it likely had to do with the desire to one day complete the ultimate test of endurace: A Full Ironman. The REV 3 at Quassy just happened to be close to home. In fact, the course is only a few miles from our house. What’s more, the tri club we joined just happens to ride the routes in that area and race there. It was beyond convenient. It was meant to be.

In my mind, there are no coincidences in life. Everything happens for a reason. Therefore, the fact that I am not yet pregnant and the REV 3 is almost here is a clear sign that I am meant to break into the sport of triathlon this year. I had no idea how to swim or bike when I first set out to do this race. I have spent over 9 months training. I learned to swim, trained countless hours, and now am focused on spending every spare moment honing my cycling abilities. I’m not looking to set any records. I just want to finish.

That is why, despite my utter terror of cycling, I am not ready to give up on my dream of completing the REV 3 Half IM this year. I can’t help but think that if it wasn’t meant to be that the registration would have closed or I would already be pregnant. I just can’t let it go and accept defeat, even if I don’t feel completely comfortable on the bike yet. Yes, 56 miles is more than I have ever biked in one day. Yes, riding on hills still scares me out of my mind. Yes, I will most likely get annihilated out there. But, not one of those things has any bearing on whether I can finish.

I know I can swim the 1.2 miles and not get tired. I also know I can run 13.1 miles when I’m utterly exhausted. I am pretty sure I can muddle through 56 miles on the bike in between. I have done other races that have required me to be on my feet and moving for 8 to 12 hrs. I can run over 30 miles. One would think that should translate over to have the endurance to complete a Half Ironman. While I realize its not exactly the same thing, and that cycling involves some skill; I do know that I have managed to bike over 30 miles of hills and then run while sick. Plus, I’m at a point where I can handle my bike well enough not to be a danger to those around me… as far as not being a danger to myself, well I’m not sure that we’ll ever get there… unless they’ve invented a cure for general clumsiness that I don’t know about.

Anyway, I am not rushing to go sign up this minute, but I did take the time to map out the bike course into Map My Ride so I can test it and see how long it takes me. I think I owe it to myself to at least try the course out on my own and see if it is doable. If it seems like something I can manage, then I’ll come home and sign up. Well, that is if registration is still open at that point. If not, then I’ll know it wasn’t meant to be this time around.

SIDE NOTE: my other task pre-race will be to attempt open water swimming. Luckily, they have a session this weekend with the tri club. Hopefully the lake water will be warm enough to swim without inducing hypothermia… and my new wetsuit will get here in time! In the meantime, I am going to keep practicing my cycling. In fact, I am meeting up with some peeps from the tri club tonight for a ride near the REV 3 course. Wish me luck!

Becoming a Gear Girl

“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can.”
– Little Engine That Could

Hello My Lovelies!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, especially all the moms out there! I had an unexpectedly prolonged weekend due to be home sick from work on Thursday. That means I have been off from work for almost a week… Unfortunately, I spent more than half that time too sick to move from bed or the couch. I know! It was a total bummer and definitely threw a wrench in my training plans. The good news is, I still made it to our Tri Club Brick and BBQ with the hubs.

So here is the thing about that… Back when the hubs was in the Marines, he decided on a whim that he was going to do a Half Ironman (IM). Mind you, this was before he ever owned a bike. His training consisted of borrowing a bike from a friend and doing some swimming. Of course, he finished without a problem.

Fast forward a few years, and here I am almost 9 months into training (including learning to swim and bike), and I still don’t feel prepared enough to meet the time qualifiers. Why? Because I am not where I need to be with my cycling. This is something I have been aware of, however it became more abundantly clear at the duathlon… and even more so this weekend.

Now granted, I went into our group ride this weekend still under the weather, and most definitely dehydrated and short on calories. The hubs also skipped out on a real breakfast, but a 30 mile ride is a walk in the park for his cycling-loving-self. I have read in triathlon books that people who do Full IMs average 17-18 mph on the bike portion. Up until this weekend, I had no concept really of just how fast that is. Then our group ride started… and I was left in the dust. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I was literally last. I did actually catch up with two people in front of me, but the rest of the group was not even within viewing distance for the rest of the ride (aside from when they all pulled over and waited at the first few intersections… yeah, that didn’t last long).

I have to be honest when I tell you it was somewhat demoralizing. While I understand I am still a newbie cyclist, I have been on other group rides where I was not utterly annihilated by the rest of the riders. These people, on the other hand, were completely out of my league. Thankfully, the only two people I could keep up with were a married couple I knew from my swim class. However, even they were light-years ahead of me on every downhill due to my over generous utilization of my brakes. Did I mention I was the only one actually using them? I repeat, Out Of My League.

At least the view was pretty!

I was incredibly grateful to Tammy (the wife of the couple, who I happen to know better from our traumatic experience in beginner’s swimming) for keeping pace with me to chat for a while and waiting at intersections to make sure I wasn’t lost. There was also a more experienced rider from the group who periodically circled back to make sure we were all ok, and I was beyond appreciative of her as well. (She even gave me tips on climbing the hills, and was incredibly patient with my slow-as-heck self. God Bless her!)

In all honesty, if it had not been for Tammy, I probably would have broken down in tears. The ride was by no means an easy one, and the descents were nerve-fryingly, white knuckled, terrifying. The roads were wet which did not help my fears, and my husband was somewhere off in the front of the pack leaving me in the dust along with everyone else.

More beautiful scenery as consolation…

I kept telling myself that I am not a bad cyclist, I am an inexperienced cyclist. I also reminded myself how terrible I was when I first started swimming. At least no one was kicking me off the route! Instead, I heard only words of encouragement. After all, I was the only newbie cyclist out on that loop, and it consisted of a lot of killer hills. Here I was sick, dehydrated, and alone (for at least a good part of it), and I didn’t break down or quit. I stuck with it- even when I got super dizzy and light-headed. I drank from my water bottle, took some cliff bloks, and got back to pedaling.

I am pleased to report that I only toppled over once due to bumping a curb on my way up a steep hill. I also had one near miss, but was able to correct myself. I finished behind every other cyclist, but I finished… and I wasn’t far behind my back of the pack buddies. The hubs and the more advanced riders finished a full 20 minutes ahead of us… which I suppose isn’t too bad considering it was a 30 mile ride. Their average speed was in the 17-18 mph range, which consisted of riding between 40 and almost 60 mph down the hills (Um, no thank you...) I headed off on my run just elated to have survived (I think I exclaimed something to the effect of “Yea! I feel so much safer!”). Meanwhile, the hubs skipped his run and took a nap instead of finishing the “brick”.

I suppose when you achieve celebrity status with the Tri Club for your superior cycling talent, the run isn’t necessary. That’s right, my super shy and antisocial hubs is now Mr. Popular. Apparently when you ride in a group there’s a lot of chatting that goes on. I suppose I would know these things if I actually rode fast enough to keep up with other people… Can you believe he is already friends on Strava with all of them? One bike ride, and they are all BFFs. Go figure. I guess that’s what happens when you put a bunch of like minded, uber competitive, cycling fanatics together. How did I not see this coming?

What’s better is he even impressed Coach M and kicked her butt (her words) on the ride… though she admittedly likes the bike considerably less than the swimming and running.

In general, I have to say that I am pretty happy for the hubs. I do find it slightly ironic, though, that I am the one who dragged him into joining the YMCA and Tri Club with me; and now he is the popular one and I’m struggling (and failing miserably) to keep up. I guess that just means I have more work to do.

The good news is, I am getting the hang of bike maintenance a lot faster than the actual riding. I currently am able to de-grease and re-lube my chain. Plus, I now know how to get my wheels on and off to get all the nooks and crannies clean. The hubs even taught me how to floss my cassette with a rag to get it extra clean. Oh! And he happened to puncture one of his tires on the ride, so I got extra practice on changing flats. Pretty soon I think I will be at the point where I can do these things all on my own without the hubs for supervision. 😉

I biked today and lived! And I’m still smiling!

Today I spent the morning doing P90X chest and back, and then took some more time getting used to my bike. I spent 30 minutes focusing on starting, stopping, coasting, balancing on one foot, letting go of one hand, starting and stopping on hills, and then I tried to practice climbing the really steep hill next to my house… I had to stop when I started freaking my neighbors out with my wipe outs. So instead I came in and did another 14 miles on the bike trainer… in 80 degree heat and humidity. Can you say good time?

So sexy… I know you’re jealous…

It wasn’t glamourous, but I got it done. The way I figure, any time I spend on my bike is better than nothing! My next task (other than getting generally comfortable) is to start familiar with some of the nearby triathlon courses. In fact, I already mapped the REV 3 Half IM course in Map My Ride… I know it’s ambitious, but I figure I can do sections of it at a time and work up to the whole 56 miles. Hopefully. it shouldn’t take too long to get there.

That’s all I have to share for now. I hope you all are off to a terrific start to your week! My goal for this week is to survive work and continue to work toward becoming one with my bike. What are you hoping to accomplish?

Getting Back in the Saddle

“One thing that cycling has taught me

is that if you can achieve something without a struggle

it’s not going to be satisfying.”

-Greg LeMond

Hello Everyone!

I have more exciting news for you all! Yesterday the hubs and I went out for my first official outdoor ride of the season, and I survived! In fact, I did better than just survive. I actually did well! No one was more surprised by this than me. I think the hubs was secretly impressed, but he hid it well. I was so happy because I had been terrified of tipping over repeatedly and getting covered in road rash and chain bites. However, as soon as I hopped on it all came back to me.

I immediately remembered how to use my gears, which was a big fear of mine. I also did MUCH BETTER at balancing than the last time I rode the bike path. This was likely related to all the practice I have had in spin and on the trainer with relaxing- especially my shoulders, which I have a bad habit of keeping by my ears. It’s amazing how much straighter and more smoothly the bike rides when you aren’t holding it with a death grip… go figure!

I purposely picked the Cheshire Bike Path (as opposed Lake Waramaug which involves minimal dismounting) so that I would have LOTS of practice unclipping and riding through the lane dividers (aka THE BANE OF MY EXISTENCE) at the intersections. I also thought the good vibes from PR’ing on the bike path on Sunday might carry over and help calm my nerves.

The hubs spent some time with me teaching me how to coast while balancing on one foot. He thought it would help me with dismounting at the intersections, which it did- thankfully! Normally, I have a lot of trouble coming forward off my seat when I dismount, so instead I end up trying to balance on the toes of my unclipped foot. This generally leads to toppling over at long lights… hence the reason I avoid city riding altogether. Well that and being a general hazard on the road…

That being said, now that I have conquered swimming, I REALLY want to learn to ride my bike like a ~~big girl~~ real cyclist. Unfortunately, that means getting comfortable with stopping and starting. I keep telling myself that if I was able to go from not being able to swim ~~properly~~ at all, and being completely anxious about even getting in the water, then I can conquer cycling too.

Furthermore, I don’t want to settle for just being competent at it, I want to get proficient at it. Of all the legs of triathlon, you spend the most time on the bike. It only makes sense to put energy into becoming the best cyclist I can be. Getting over my fear of ~~seriously maiming myself~~ riding is a necessary evil. When I took on swimming, I knew it was essential to achieving my goal of one day finishing an Ironman. As much as I was absolutely terrified, I was also determined.

Start by doing what’s necessary;

then do what’s possible;

and suddenly you are doing the impossible.

Francis of Assisi

I have never been one to give up on something simply out of fear. To me, that’s just not a good enough reason. I don’t ever want to say I didn’t go after something I truly wanted because I was too scared to give my all. I would rather try and fail. That is what got me through the swimming. I was convinced if I could just stick with it that I could do it. I HAD to do it. I didn’t consider the fact that I still wasn’t comfortable on my bike. All I focused on was the task at hand.

Now I am approaching my bike with the same determination. There is no room for fear. It is now or never. I have a roughly 6 week window to get really comfortable on my bike before the REV 3 Half Ironman, and I want to be there. I know in my heart I can cover the distance. I have it in me to do it. If I don’t do it now, I don’t know when I will have another chance. I have already invested over 6 months of training. I have learned to swim and spent countless hours running, spinning, cycling, swimming, and cross training in preparation.

That is why I know I will get the hang of this bike, and why I am so thrilled to have survived my first ride unscathed. I am lucky to have the hubs to back me up. He loves cycling the way I love running, so if anyone can help me get to where I need to be it’s him.

Oh and since our ride went so well (we did close to 20 miles at a “good pace”- according to the hubs) I signed up for a duathlon this weekend. I figured it may be my only chance to practice transition before June. Plus, it will give me a feel for riding my bike in an actual race. The hubs says I am ready, so I am going to trust him. It’s only a 14 mile bike ride, but it’s in downtown Waterbury. I’m a little nervous about the city riding; but I have been doing well with dismounting so I should be ok.

Good thing I’ll have my Tough Chik gear! I swear it gives me super powers that keep me upright! Maybe it’s just the extra boost of confidence that comes with wearing the logo “This is what Tough Looks Like”.

What adventures are you all taking on this week?

Never Give Up

“If you really believe in what you’re doing, work hard, take nothing personally

and if something blocks one route, find another. Never give up.”

-Laurie Notaro

Remember back when I got kicked out of swim class? Remember how I said I would make that coach eat her words? Well not only did I get personally invited back to class, but I have NOW BEEN PROMOTED TO THE INTERMEDIATE LANE!

In fact, I think I am the only person to get promoted a lane so far in the class. As if that weren’t exciting (and terrifying!) enough, I also got singled out to demonstrate proper technique for the catch up drill. This was possibly the most ironic moment to occur in class so far given I was kicked out for having the worst form in class. lol Regardless, the rest of the class was highly impressed on both accounts.

They keep telling me how great I look when I swim; however, I feel sort of like that person who lost tons of weight and still sees myself as fat. No matter how many compliments I get from people on how great and effortless my swimming looks, I still feel like I am struggling and have no idea what I’m doing. I am still terrified of not being able to breath every time I get in the water, and I still have anxiety before every class that I won’t be able to handle the workout.

The thing I continue to struggle with the most is being able to swim lap after lap without rest in between. This is at least in part due to the fact that I swim as quickly as possible to get to the rest breaks. Now that I have graduated to Lane 2, however, there is no rest between laps. Instead, we are doing six 50’s at a time with 10 seconds in between if we’re lucky. Then, immediately, it’s on to the next drill. Not to mention, there are now 100 meter drills which I am not quite able to do yet (I’m getting close though!)

The other big part of my problem is just being able to relax. In the rare moments when I do relax in the water, swimming feels effortless. On the other hand, during class I get so anxious that it is hard to keep my heart rate down, which creates more demand for oxygen, which makes my lungs burn, which makes me anxious… you get the idea…

I think the solution to both these problems is just to swim more- as in drag myself to the pool on my own and put in a lot of time in the water. After all, it’s gotten me this far. Plus, I have a long way to go before I get swimming 1.2 miles continuously, so I could probably use al the practice I can get in.

In the meantime, at least I have another small victory to celebrate. For me, it’s not about being the best swimmer in class or better than anyone else, it’s just about improving. I am happy to be making progress, even if it’s not that noticeable to me. My goal in signing up for swim class was to learn as much about swimming as I could, and I have definitely learned a lot from the instructor. Despite all my anxiety about swimming, I can honestly call myself a swimmer now, and that means something to me. 🙂

My point in sharing this with all of you is not to brag, but rather point out the value of persistence. I could have very easily given up on swimming when I got kicked out of class, and no one would have faulted me for it. After all, the swim instructor had told me to get a refund. It doesn’t get more blunt than that! The thing is that I am not at a point in my life where I no longer rely on other people to tell me what I am capable of because I know full well. Was I a bad swimmer? Absolutely! Was it hopeless? Absolutely not!

No person should ever allow someone else to crush his or her dreams. If you want to be a swimmer, find a pool and swim. Want to be a runner, go running. Want to be an actor, writer, stunt double, lion tamer? Go do it! Live your passion! Don’t worry about other people’s approval. You need to follow your bliss and do what makes you happy. No one else in this world can tell you what that is. You need to find it for yourself. Besides, what good is someone else’s approval and adoration if you aren’t being authentic anyway?

Go chase your dreams, and never, never give up!

Short and Long Term Goals

“Anyone who thinks that they are too small to make a difference has never tried to fall asleep with a mosquito in the room.”
-Christine Todd Whitman

For as long as I can remember, I have always wanted to help. It didn’t matter who needed it or what it involved, I just wanted to be useful. Maybe that is why I picked a career in medicine. What better choice for an occupation than to take care of people all day who need it? Yet, even spending my days taking care of other peoples needs and having the occasional opportunity to help save a life were not enough to calm the feeling of needing to do more to make a difference.

I have never been quite sure of what type of difference I’m supposed to be making in this word exactly, but what I do know is I wake up every morning with a burning need to do more. After the abuse, I channelled a lot of this energy into raising money and awareness for victims of domestic violence through CT-ALIVE and the Running for Color Purple Campaign. While working with CT-ALIVE has given me an opportunity to do some good, I still feel like it’s not enough. I don’t want to just raise money for victims of violence, I want to interact with them and give them hope. More than that, I want to prevent women from becoming victims. This has lead to me really evaluate what I want to do with this blog and my life.

I have the luxury with my current job of having 4 days off from work a week. That gives me plenty of time to work with for accomplishing my other goals and dreams. I know I want to make a difference in the world, and I specifically know I want to make a difference for victims of domestic violence. What I need to workout is a game plan. My work with CT-ALIVE and this blog have been a good start, but I think it’s time to branch out. For starters, I have been putting more energy into my blogging and have recently begun putting myself out there. I joined Team Tough Chik, which I am actually pretty excited about, and have also applied to be an ambassador for Fitfluential and RunKeeper. I think all of these offer a great opportunity to get my message out there as well as get connected to companies I already utilize and believe in.

The other thing I am looking to accomplish is to put together a talk/program about dating and domestic violence that I can give at local colleges. I met my abuser in college and knew nothing about domestic violence or the warning signs at the time. If I can share my story and prevent young women from walking blindly into a dangerous situation, then I will have accomplished something truly fulfilling. I think educating the masses about the myths and misconceptions of domestic violence is essential erasing the stigma of abuse and preventing more victims. Abuse thrives in silence, and my goal is to shine a spot light on it and open some dialogue.

Therefore, dating/domestic violence awareness talk has been added to my list of short term goals, along with improving my swimming and cycling, and training for a Half Ironman. While these things may seem completely unrelated, for me, training and abuse are closely related. After all, training for races is what made me feel empowered after abuse. Gaining strength and endurance helped me build my confidence and feel safe again. Plus, pushing myself through training and exercise while overcoming my past abuse is what I started this blog about in the first place. Although at most times this blog is more about kicking ass than dealing with abuse, the history of abuse is part of who I am and what drives me to be a better, stronger, smarter woman.

If I am able to complete the Half Ironman, and someday a full Ironman, it will be at least in part due to the strength I’ve gained from my past experience with domestic violence. It will also serve as a further example that anything is possible in life even after abuse. My ultimate long term goal is to write a book about my experience with overcoming abuse. I think finishing a full Ironman beforehand would make the message even more powerful… Not to say that if I never get to the point of doing an Ironman that I wouldn’t still write one, but wouldn’t it be awesome if I could?

In the meantime, I will get back to swim classes and spinning… and maybe writing a talk. 🙂

Entering New Territory

“Success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life

as by the obstacles which he has overcome.”

-Booker T. Washington

Thank you Man Bicep! Love this one!

Today I entered uncharted territory: I started swim lessons. This was a HUGE step for me, and the final piece in my triathlon training journey. I had intentionally saved swimming for last because I knew it would be the most difficult for me. I was so nervous about the class starting that I literally got no sleep. I was up every hour on the hour and just lied awake most of the night. I was afraid that my total lack of experience would be an issue and that the swim instructor or other class members would be impatient and mean. What I found when I arrived was quite the opposite!

The swim coach assured me that I would not be the only person foreign to lap swimming (as well as swim caps, goggles, etc), and although that was a total lie and I was the ONLY inexperienced person in the class, things still went remarkably well. The first half of the class I tried to get the hang of putting my face in the water and breathing properly, but I was really struggling- despite the best efforts of the coach to help me. I just couldn’t get the hang of the rhythm, and found I didn’t have enough time to get air in before putting my face back in the water. I ultimately figured I could either spend my class time working on the breathing or attempt to do the work out . It seemed more helpful to focus on the workout and practice proper breathing on my own time.

Once I did give up on putting my face in the water, I was actually able to keep up with the rest of the “slow” group. I was pleasantly surprised at just how many laps I was able to swim with fairly minimal rest in between. The other swimmers were not bothered by my total newbiness, and that was a huge comfort. In fact, they were all very supportive, assuring me it would get easier and that I was in the right place. One swimmer even offered to work with me on the breathing outside of class, which was a super kind gesture. Even the life guard introduced himself and offered support….which made me wonder just how badly I looked like I was struggling. I later found out that he was the one who had taught the swimmer who offered to help me how to breath properly a few years earlier. It appeared I was not the only person picking up swimming as an adult after all.

Maybe it was the fact that I was so much younger than everyone else that caused everyone to take me under their wing; however, I’m noticing that people at the YMCA are like that. It’s like a little community there with everyone on a first name basis, which is probably why new people stick out like a sore thumb to them. It’s comforting to be in such a warm, friendly environment when taking on something as anxiety provoking (for me) as swimming. There is just something about putting my face in the water that makes me tense up and hyperventilate! Yet, I think if I am going to overcome that anxiety and get the hang of swimming properly that the other swimmers are right about me being in the right place.

Being in that pool today, I was pleasantly surprised with myself. Of course, I was not thrilled about being unable to conquer the breathing, but I was excited that I was able to swim so many laps. More than that, I was keeping up with people who have a lot more experience at swimming than I do. Given that I have almost 8 months before the half ironman, I ~~think~~ hope I should be in good shape.

In other riveting news, I also started spin classes today! It was super fun too! Adam and I went together, but I don’t think he was quite as enthusiastic as I was. In fact, I noticed I was the only person smiling through the entire workout, which I don’t completely understand… Doesn’t everyone love endorphins? 😉 By the end of the class, I had covered over 23 miles which is kind of ridiculous even for a bike. That’s sub 3 minute miles! Plus, that was on top of my hour of swimming (no rest for the weary there!), 4 mile run (on the dreadmill at 9 min pace), and full leg workout with the trainer. I think it’s safe to say that I am going to be very sore and hungry tomorrow! Don’t worry, I did at least take a nap in between my leg workout and the spinning. 🙂

Tomorrow it’s back to work, but I am hoping to get out early enough to catch the next swim class afterward… that is if I am still able to move by tomorrow… Hopefully I will get some decent rest tonight. If nothing else, at least I get to sleep until 4:30 instead of getting up at 4 for the pool!

Small Victories

“Fall. Stand. Learn. Adapt.”
― Mike Norton, Fighting For Redemption: Hangambiiki

This past week I have had a relatively small victory in cycling, but a major personal victory none the less. After forwarding Adam a list of the top routes to view CT foliage, he finally coerced me into going for a ride with him. I have to give him credit too, because as of late I have been masterful at coming up with excuses not to ride my bike. Somehow I thought getting the road bike I fell in love with would make me want to use it at every available chance. However, after the multiple spills associated with mastering clipless pedals (not sure why they are called “clipless” when you actually have to clip in to them… and risk significant peril in the process…) I have decided I might love my life more without the added anxiety… Typically, I try to give my scrapes and bruises a chance to start healing before I go out and acquire more. In this instance, though, it was clear that my incredibly thoughtful hubby was not only making an effort to encourage my to ride, but also an attempt to spend quality time with me. What girl can’t appreciate that?

Since awake time with my husband is in short commodity these days, I hit the road with him (despite any reservations) and we traveled up to Lake Waramaug. I have to start off by saying that this ride was EXACTLY what I needed. Despite the fact that the path around the lake was composed of regular streets, it was clear the route was used primarily by pedestrians and cyclists so the traffic was accustomed to sharing the road. The route itself was slightly over 7 miles and made a perfect loop around the lake with beautiful views of the water and New England landscape the entire way.

It was a good mix of rolling hills and bends which kept things interesting, however the best part was there were very few left turns or intersections. In fact, when we switched direction on our third lap and traveled on the lake side of the road, there were NO INTERSECTIONS OR LEFT TURNS AT ALL! It was like I had died and gone to heaven! Instead of worrying about falling over at a stop light, I was able to focus on my pedaling and going faster. I even set a new speed record averaging over 15 mph! (sadly, this is super fast for me). Adam had pointed out to me a while ago that the reason I don’t fatigue quickly (or even after hours) on my bike is that I “cruise” rather than ride. I was determined to prove to him that it wasn’t true! So, basically, I pedaled as hard as I could… at least when I wasn’t stuck behind a slow moving truck anyway…

I made it a full three laps around and covered over 23 miles. Adam went ahead and did a fourth for speed… and partially because he is a show off. jk I probably could have ridden longer but I was starving by the third lap and struggling to get my legs to move… the crazy AM workout with the trainer and over 5 miles of running earlier in the day may have had something to do with it as well… When we did stop finally stop to get something to eat on the way home I think I ended up eating more than Adam I was so hungry! lol

Overall it was a great experience just to get out and actually enjoy a ride and take in the scenery. Spending time with my handsome hubby was an added bonus! The best part is I now have a place where I know I can log miles in without anxiety. Maybe there is hope for me yet!

Two Ferries (Plus Some Extra) Recap

“Carpe Diem”

There are some experiences in your life that can be described as pivotal: defining moments. Those moments when you step (or plunge) outside your comfort zone and chose to define yourself on your own terms. Today I feel like I took a huge leap, and delved full on into the world of cycling.

To be honest, from the moment I arrived at the Two Ferries Ride I felt like an outsider… an imposter even. Here I was surrounded by all these people who live for cycling, while I am trepidatious at best, and utterly terrified at worst. Adam had assured me that cycling community would be as friendly as the running community, but I believe he stretched the truth slightly. The people there were not rude or mean, but they certainly were not as friendly or supportive as the average runner. Rather, they tended to stick in groups and only socialize with the people they already knew. It was like a great big clique and I wasn’t part of it. Maybe if I had been a part of the shop’s riding group, it would have been different. Instead, I was there alone with next to no experience. I almost cried before we even started.

When we did start, I probably road faster than I ever have in my life. My fear of being left behind drastically outweighed my fear of moving quickly. I managed to keep up with the back end of the pack up until the 10 mile rest stop, and then I was left in the dust. I actually was able to follow the markers without trouble and remain calm despite being alone and completely unfamiliar with the area right up until I missed a turn at mile 19. I had been climbing a hill for quite some time when I realized I had not seen a marker in a while. I also noticed that I wasn’t seeing any at the intersections and that I must have gone of course. If that wasn’t enough of a hint, the cyclists flying down the hill from the opposite direction (with plenty of markers on their side of the road) hammered home the point. I made it all the way to the top of that hill before I started bawling.

I was faced with two options, I could either back track and find the turn I missed, or follow the markers for the route on the other side of the road. The problem with option 1 was that I already had missed the marker for the turn once, and now it would be on the opposite side of the road and harder to see. The problem with option 2: I didn’t know whether the markers I found were for the 66 or 100 mile course. Worst case scenario I figured I could manage the 66 miles, but I certainly did not want to get stuck on the 100 mile route. Ultimately, I decided it was better to take a longer route I was sure of than gamble on finding the marker I missed. Since all the rides ended up at the Ferry at some point (or even multiple points) in the ride, I figured that even if I ended up on the longest route I could still get back on track once I found the Ferry.

Luckily, my plan worked out. The markers led me back the direction I was supposed to be traveling, and I was able to pick up the correct path again once I was off the Ferry. By the end of it I had been on the bike over 3 hours AND only fell once… though I did have several near misses. (I suppose if you a clumsy person in general that it tends to carry over in cycling as well) Many… ok most… of the things I was worried about happening actually did: I fell down, I was clumsy, I was slow, I got lost, and I got left by myself. However, I still survived and finished relatively unscathed.

The people who work in the bike shop were actually impressed that I was able to climb to the top of that hill. They said I get extra credit in doing so and remarked that “a lot” of people had missed the turn and gotten lost. I suppose that made me feel slightly better. The one thing that I did feel good about was that fact that everyone else was complaining about the hills while I hadn’t struggled on them. In fact, they were easier than I expected and TREMENDOUSLY easier than the route I take to the gym. I figured if these experienced cyclists were complaining about the hills, and I didn’t mind them then maybe I’m not such a complete disaster on my bike after all.

I’m not sure that I will ever love cycling (or anything) as much as I love running, but I am hoping that the more time I spend on my bike the more comfortable I will get both with riding and the cycling community. I draw hope from the fact that I don’t know anymore who just “likes” cycling. People tend to either be completely ~~obsessed with it~~ passionate about it, or they don’t ride at all. This leads me to believe that with enough e~~xposure therapy~~ practice I too can become a cycle enthusiast and actually ride with a sense of enjoyment rather than a fear of death. There are fleeting moments now when I forget about the peril and actually enjoy the freedom of the road… primarily areas free of winding turns and intersections.

If nothing else, it is my absolute fear of riding that keeps me coming back to it. I am determined to conquer my fear and I am willing to accept that it may be a long and arduous process. This ride was a major step to doing just that,

What’s Going On

“We should all start to live before we get too old.

Fear is stupid. So are regrets.”

― Marilyn Monroe

Just a little update on what’s been going on in my life the past few days. For starters, I went ahead and signed up for the Bimbler’s Bluff 50K. I was pretty excited about it until I made the mistake of reading a blog entry of someone who ran it last year… now I’m cautiously excited. lol It sounds like it is going to be absolutely BRUTAL. They said the climbs and descents are ridiculously steep…(? ridiculously steep = life threateningly dangerous…it’s a possibility). On the bright side, at least I have more faith in my running skills than my cycling! Also, at least the climbs won’t be at altitude and over 13 miles straight up like Pike’s Peak last year, right? I know in my head and heart I can do it. The question is whether I can train enough between now and then to be the least amount of miserable possible… 🙂 If nothing else, I do have the fact that I love trail running in my favor!

In other riveting news, I got my personalized footwear recommendation from Optimal Run, which you can check out here if you happen to be interested. Patton, my personal shoe advisor, is clearly super enthusiastic about his job. I totally loved all his energy in the video. In fact, it almost made me want to quit my job and go work for these people instead. I think I could live a happy life selling running shoes… especially if I got paid to test them as part of my job.

Anyway, I ended up ordering the Innov 8 model he recommended because I LOVE my Innov 8 X Talons and I am hoping to love the road version as much. The part that sold me is they were on sale $20 off AND it was free priority shipping with a 40 day any condition return policy. Plus, I figure any company that is going to go through the trouble to get to know me through a (pretty in depth) survey and by reading my blog prior to making a shoe recommendation definitely deserves my business. My shipping tracker says my new kicks are due to arrive tomorrow, so I will definitively keep you all posted on what I think once I get a chance to test them out!

Oh, and speaking of testing things out, I made it through my very first clip in pedal ride on my bike the other day; and I am extremely pleased to report that I NOT ONLY did not die or get seriously maimed, but also made it through all the intersections without falling over. In fact, I only fell once when I missed the turn for the car and my bike tipped in the wrong direction… ie. the direction of my clipped in foot rather than the one that was out. Overall, I’d say it was a pretty successful ride. I think we did 12 miles in total. I wouldn’t say I’m as comfortable on it yet as I am with the mountain bike, but I did A LOT better than I expected.

Of course, I felt even better about it after reading this awesome blog post from Fit and Feminist. I already thought she was pretty awesome; but now that I know she too is fighting the very reasonable fear of getting horribly injured while riding too fast, I think I like her even better. In all seriousness though, it definitely made me feel like less of a chicken to read that someone else was struggling with all the same fears. The fact that she has graduated to riding downhill without using breaks AND can drink from her water bottle without stopping gives me hope that someday I can get there too!

I hope everyone has a wonderful Labor Day Weekend! I will be spending mine at work, but hopefully the holiday will keep people home and make for a smooth day tomorrow. A girl can hope, right?