Domestic Abuse

Bimbler’s Bluff Recap

“A dream doesn’t become reality through magic; it takes sweat, determination and hard work.”
-Colin Powell

I am a firm believer that with persistence, anything is possible. That might have been what lead me to sign up for the Bimbler’s Bluff 50K in the first place. It seemed to be one of those things where the planets are in alignment and everything just falls into place… although I never could have anticipated upon signing up just how true that would be.

I needed a race to run as a fundraiser for CT-ALIVE this year, and having ~~done~~ attempted the Ultra Beast last year, it had to be something that would test my limits. Ever since the Ultra Beast, I had considered doing an ultra. I had already done a marathon, so it seemed like the next logical step. Plus, the Bimbler’s Bluff was a bargain at $50!

Since I was not super successful with my fundraising last year, this year I redoubled my efforts. I made an event page, sent emails, and continuously begged for money on Facebook. The fact that I had selected a race roughly 33 miles in length worked to my favor as I had people who offered to make donations in my memory just in case I didn’t survive. (Thanks for the vote of confidence guys) My goal was for this year $500, but I well exceeded it making for my most lucrative fundraising year yet! That only made me more pumped for the race.

The other exciting thing about my big run this year was that a friend of mine (Vanessa from The Purple Song Project) put me in touch with Lana Ives from Ives International Film. It turned out that Lana is working on a documentary involving stories of inspiring people. She had read my blog and thought I fit the bill. She asked if she could meet me at the race and interview me before the start. She also said I could have copies of the film and images for my own personal use (i.e. for my blog- so stay tuned!). Beyond the shock that someone would be inspired enough by my blog to want to involve me in a documentary, I realized that this was an AMAZING opportunity. If my mission with this blog is to inspire people to go out and live their dreams, especially after abuse, then there was no way I could not accept.

Upon arriving at the race, I found Lana and her assistant at the check in. I was beyond stoked to find not only that the race shirts were fluorescent orange, but that the race bibs were orange as well! I took this as a good sign because, as we all know, orange is my favorite color. Even better, the bib had my name on it- which meant the runners and volunteers would be cheering for me by name! Anyone who has run a race with your name on the bib knows exactly what I am talking about here. Plus, it made for better conversation on the course given we all had name tags.

As far as the actual race, I don’t even know where to start. Trail runners are such a special breed. When you sign up and arrive at a trail run, you sign up for more than a race. Rather, you have signed up to be a part of a community, and it’s clear from the moment you arrive. Bimbler’s Bluff was no exception. There was a palpable sense of good will. When the national anthem wouldn’t play, two runners stepped forward and sang it beautifully. However, they didn’t sing it alone because almost immediately the whole field joined in. It was a perfect way to start, and then we were off.

The early part of the course consisted of rolling hills, which are my favorite to run. I picked a comfortable pace and stuck with it the whole way. I only stopped to walk if a hill was particularly steep. I plugged along while everyone else passed me, and before long I was convinced there was no one left to go by. I didn’t particularly mind. After all, it was nice to see another person occasionally, and I figured most of them had far more experience with ultras than me anyhow.

The first real challenge of the race was that markers were not that easy to spot. The red and white tape blended with the foliage in some places and required a lot of attention not to miss them… which many people (myself included!) did… repeatedly. (Might I offer a humble suggestion of lime green or fluorescent pink next year?) This was good in the sense that it gave me something to concentrate on; however it made it difficult to watch my footing resulting in several good tumbles. I caught my toe on and tripped over more rocks than I could count! I was thrilled when I arrived at the first aid station and plowed through it on to the next one.

The second section of the course had areas that were so steep and treacherous that they were really more conducive to ~~hiking~~ climbing than running… unless you’re part mountain goat. I did my best to run whatever I could safely and was still feeling good when I hit aid station #2. I called out my number to the volunteers and headed up a near vertical ascent. I found Lana on the way up, and she asked how I was feeling. I told her I was still doing ok and scaled upwards. My reward was a magnificent view from the top! The rest of that section seemed to span on forever, and I was sincerely doubting my ability to finish before the cutoff… or finish at all… when I arrived at station #3. Lana, again, was there waiting for me and she even jogged down the street with me asking me questions as I crossed back onto the course. I asked the staff at the station how much longer to the next one (which I mistakingly thought was the last one) and they said another 6 miles. Elated by this news, I blasted past them and they called after me that they had cookies and didn’t I want something to eat.

The next section, again, seemed to stretch on forever. This was at least in part due to the fact that I hadn’t realized I was out of water until after I started it. My legs were no longer cooperating and the down hills were worse than up. At some point I ran a whole extra hill because I had missed a marker. I thought about taking the ibuprofen I brought with me, but I didn’t want to risk injuring myself by blocking out the pain. Then I rolled my ankle and landed on it. I was relieved to find at least that it wasn’t badly sprained, and I could still walk on it. I figured I should enjoy what was left of the race because it could be a good amount of time before I’d be running on it again. When I did finally arrive at the 4th aid station I found Adam. He had ridden his bike from home to greet me. I asked if would make it back in time to see me finish, and he said it would be no problem because I still had 11 miles to go. The volunteer confirmed this information by telling me I did a great job and was 22 miles in. I was crushed because I had thought that there were only 4 aid stations with 8 miles left after the last one. I truly thought that extra 3 miles was going to kill me. Then Adam filled my hydration pack more than I needed despite my protests.

In spite of the fact that the volunteers were wonderful and supportive, I left that aid station feeling totally defeated. My pack was the heavier now than it ha been when I started, and I had 3 extra miles to go on top of the eight mile section ahead of me. Judging by the amount of time it had taken me to complete the last section, I thought for sure that I would never make it past the next cutoff. It was definitely my lowest point in the race. The one thing that worked in my favor was that there were not a lot of uphills on that segment. In fact, it was primarily downhill; and I was able to push through 8 miles in 2 hours. I saw Lana shortly before the last aid station and called out to her “I’m smiling because if you’re here then I’m almost done!” I stopped briefly at that last aid station- just long enough to say thank you and grab some gummy bears. They were the most delicious I have ever tasted in my life! I headed into my last 3 miles on a high. It was only 4:30 PM, and I knew I could walk the rest of the way and still make it.

However, having run everything but the worst hills up to this point, I was determined to keep going. Besides, if I was running to inspire and raise money for victims of domestic violence, I was certainly not going to give them anything less than my best. Plus, I wanted nothing more than to be finished as soon as possible! So I kept running, despite the fact that my running resembled stumbling more than actual running. I was emotional on the last section because it was the first time I knew that I could do it: the finish was within my grasp. I thought of all the hard work and 6 long months of training I had put in to get to this point; and I thought of all the women I was doing this for. This was not a victory just for me, this was a victory for us. All those women who were told over and over that they couldn’t accomplish or handle anything, who had their self worth stripped from them the way I did- it was a victory for them.

When I did finally see the finish, I sprinted to it as fast as my legs would carry me. The people who were there erupted in cheers (not just for me, but for every runner). Lana was there at the finish, and I told her I couldn’t believe it was over. She asked if she could give me a hug and I was more than happy to accept it, though I did warn her that I was pretty sweaty. She asked asked me some additional questions, and then we waited or Adam to arrive (because he underestimated how quickly I would get through my last 11 miles!). When the race director offered me my glass (and it’s a pretty nifty glass too!) for finishing, I had actually forgotten we were supposed to get anything. To me, the reward was just in the experience. I spent the whole day doing something I absolutely love, in good company, with great volunteers, and raised money and awareness for domestic violence in the process. What more could a girl ask for?

Now that it’s all over, I’m still in disbelief that I did it. Even more than that, I can’t even begin to process how much love and support I have had for this race. I don’t think I could have pushed through the pain for as long as I did had I not had so many people rooting for me. Being someone as independent as I am, I am not used to asking for help… or for anything for that matter. However, when it came to my fundraising race this year, the response was more than I could have ever imagined. I am so blessed to have the people I do in my life, from my amazing husband who sacrificed his sleep yesterday to drive me to and from the race and cheer me on, to my awesome family and mom who left me cupcakes for when I got home, to my trainer who kicked my butt for 6 months and helped me become the strongest physically that I have ever been, to all my friends, coworkers, and fellow CT-ALIVE board members, and Arch Angels who offered words of encouragement and made donations. I dont’ know what I did to deserve to have so many wonderful people in my life, but I am truly grateful for each and every one of them!

You Don’t Belong Here

“Life is a series of experiences, each one of which makes us bigger, even though sometimes it is hard to realize this. For the world was built to develop character, and we must learn that the setbacks and grieves which we endure help us in our marching onward.”

-Henry Ford

On Wednesday morning I had my very first swimming lesson, and I thought it went pretty well. I was both nervous and excited about my second class Thursday night, so I made it a point to head out of work early and ensure I got there on time. As it turned out, I got there a little early so I spent about 30 minutes swimming laps before class. Well, I thought I was swimming laps, the women in the lane next to me (who, unfortunately for me, happened to be the night coach) thought they were more of an abomination and insult to the sport of swimming.

That is at least what I surmised when she pulled me aside before the class even started and suggested I get a refund. It wasn’t really a suggestion. She actually told me that they should have made sure I knew how to “rotary breath” before I signed up. I suppose I could see her point, but her delivery really sucked. Plus, I had been very honest about my skill level (ie. swimming to avoid drowning) when I asked about swim classes. The woman who signed me up was emphatic about this specific class, and told me that I would pick things up more quickly because the class was a mix of beginner and advanced swimmers. She stressed that beginners were welcome. This was reiterated by the morning coach who assured me I would not be the only person in class unfamiliar with swim caps, goggles, and lap swimming. After hearing the same message repeated by the other swimmers, I was really starting to believe them. “You’re in the right place” they kept telling me.

Now I found myself in my second swimming class being told not to return. The message was loud and clear: YOU DON’T BELONG HERE! She suggested I get ~~remedial~~ beginner classes; and then, when the tears started, she told me to come back this morning and she would spend some time with me. It was really the LAST THING I was interested in doing, but I wasn’t about to give her the satisfaction of knowing how deeply I was wounded.

After the huge blow, she proceeded to give me instructions on the workout along with everyone else. YES– she had me stay for the workout after kicking me out! The other people in the class were super friendly and supportive, which only made me more disappointed that I wasn’t allowed back. I choked back the tears and sucked it up through each group of drills. After it was over, I bawled my eyes out in the locker room. The other women who were in the class did their best to make me feel better. They told me that the night coach is really tough on everyone; and it was obvious during the session that she did a lot of yelling (…and that the majority of the class was afraid of her). They encouraged me to stick with it and offered to help with my swimming.

As upset and disappointed as a was, I was more determined than ever. I certainly was not going to let some biotch tell me I’m not good enough. I had been swimming all of 2 days at that point, and had already made HUGE gains. My swimming wasn’t pretty, but I wasn’t sinking either. I was plowing out laps like it was my job. I understand that the rotary breathing is important; however, I was clearly willing to practice on my own and told them I would get my husband to help me. I didn’t agree with her decision to kick me out when there were clearly people in her class struggling more than I was. I wasn’t the only person not keeping my face in the water, but for some reason I was the only one singled out.

This woman, obviously didn’t know who she was dealing with. Back in high school I was cut from the track team repeatedly before they finally relented and let me on the team. They ultimately had no choice because I kept showing up to practice regardless of whether I was on the team or not. I thought about doing the same with her class, but it wasn’t exactly a friendly learning environment… Plus, I think she’d have a conniption. In an odd way, the parallel to the start of my running career made me feel slightly better. I wasn’t good enough for the track team my first time out, yet here I am a week away from my first 50K. Maybe it’s a sign that the same will be true for swimming. I won’t just get the hang of it, I’ll become passionate about it. Granted, there aren’t a lot of coaches out there who admire passion over talent, but I have to say that it’s gotten me a lot further in life than talent ever has.

My point is, this isn’t the first time I have put myself out there to try something new only to have someone tell me I’m not good enough. I’ve never let anyone else deter me, so I certainly wasn’t going to let this woman. Instead, I decided I would spend time in the pool everyday, even if it meant after a 13+ hour shift, until I got the hang of the breathing. It would be my personal F- you to this women for kicking me out.

So I did go and swim after work last night. I went even though I got out late, got stuck in traffic, and knew I’d only have 30 minutes at best before the pool would close. I practiced the drills we did in class and tried my best to get comfortable with having my face in the water. Then this morning I got up early and met Miss-You’re-Not-Good-Enough at the pool. I had been absolutely dreading it, but it turned out she was much nicer (not nice, but significantly less bitchy) when not teaching a whole class. It only took 15 minutes with her for me to get the hang of turning my shoulder and breathing properly. She couldn’t get over how quickly I picked it up and how “beautiful” and “streamlined” I swam once I got it. She even admitted she was impressed, though the look on her face said it all. It was quite priceless, actually.

She didn’t invite me back to class, but at least now I know how to swim properly when I practice on my own. I also have the card of the aquatics director (who tracked me down in the locker room when I was crying). She told me to touch base with her and we would “work something out”. I’m not sure if this means swimming with her or in a different class, but I’ll do whatever it takes to get it down.

When I first signed up for swim classes, I just wanted to learn to swim well enough to finish the half ironman. However, now that I got kicked out of swim class, I’m determined to be the best swimmer I can be. After spending time with numerous horrible coaches in high school and college and over 5 years with an abusive ex, I’m certainly not going to let one swim coach with a chip on her shoulder bring me down. I think I have enough experience in dealing with self-esteem bashing jerks to be able to handle her. In fact, I find that the best method is usually to make them eat their words, and I think I’m already well on my way to doing that. 🙂

More Things I’m Excited About

“Every great dream begins with a dreamer. Always remember,

You have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.”
-Harriet Tubman

Well, in case you are wondering why I am gracing you with not one, but TWO posts today, let me explain. My first post was one that I started on Friday but didn’t get a chance to finish until today. This one is my actual post about what’s going on today, and I am way too excited to put off talking about it until tomorrow!

Ok, so first off I took today as a “rest” day…rest from exercise that is. In reality, I have been quite busy and productive, which are actually two very different things by the way. I started my morning with an all out effort at Fundraising for my upcoming race. I created an event page, sent out emails, and the donations are already rolling in! (BIG SHOUT OUT THANK YOU to those who have donated so far!) This makes me a very happy girl. Last year I was comparatively low key about my efforts and was not terribly successful in terms of raising donations. This year I have changed tactics and basically resorted to shameless begging and badgering. It appears this method is already working much better…

I also used my time this morning to clean out my closets and gather donations for our upcoming Book and Clothing Drive which just happens to fall on the day before my big run. I am hoping this works to my advantage as I may be able to squeeze out some last minute donations and well wished while I’m there helping to staff it. 😉 Since I am the type of person who loves decluttering and getting rid of stuff, this would have been enough to make my day. The fact that it was for a great cause was just a bonus. 😉

However, lucky me- it just kept getting better! I got to spend time with my family this afternoon and meet my brother’s new dog who they just rescued. Then I came home and found that my credit card balance was lower than I thought. Awesome, right? So with this new found information, I hopped on the Tough Chik website and officially registered to be a part of their 2014 team. This has been something I have been wanting to do but putting off in an effort to save money and pay down some of our wedding debt. However, I ultimately decided that I could buy a lesser expensive sign up package now and splurge on the uber cool cycling apparel later… maybe I could even set a new riding goal for myself to earn it. Lord knows I could use the added motivation to overcome my fear of my bike! 🙂

Again, this would have also made for a great day on it’s own, but it continued to get better still!

While I was on the Tough Chik page, I noticed they had a charity tab so I (of course) clicked on it and was totally blown away. Tough Chik is affiliated with a charity called Project Athena, and I am absolutely IN LOVE with their mission:

The mission of Project Athena is to help women with breast cancer and other medical or traumatic setbacks live their athletic and adventurous dreams through the Project Athena Foundation. Awareness for Project Athena will be achieved through the ultra endurance endeavors of an experienced and high profile all-female adventure team who embody the spirit of Athena.

How AMAZING is that? And how did I not know about this sooner?!!! I am pretty sure that if I built a charity from the ground up, this would be it’s exact mission– minus the “high profile” athletes of course because let’s face it, I’m not that well connected. 😉 More seriously though, I am just excited that an organization like this exists. It gives me hope that someday I can quit my job and do something like this for work. Plus, I am totally pumped that I can register to do an event with them.

In case you are not already blown away, I’ll leave you with their video. In the meantime, I would like to remind you that every person on this planet has the power to make a difference. What will you use yours for?

It’s October- And I’m on an Upswing

“If you give me any problem in America I can trace it down to domestic violence.

It is the cradle of most of the problems, economic, psychological, educational.”

-Salma Hayek

Anyone familiar with this blog knows that October is an important time of year for me. It’s the month in which I married my abuser (and the abuse escalated dramatically), and it’s also ,ironically, Domestic Violence Awareness Month… Clearly my ex had missed the memo.

Normally this time of year I find my PTSD symptoms tend to rev up. I get jumpy, anxious, and depressed. I don’t usually put together what’s going on until I’m well into the month, but this year is different. This year I’m taking on October head on! This year I am determined to live my life to the fullest! I will not allow PTSD to rob the joy from my days. This year I am determined to push myself to new limits and raise money and awareness for victims of violence in the process.

For the past several years, I have been choosing a race each fall to run as a fundraiser for CT-ALIVE (the charity I work with). Susan Omilian and CT-ALIVE were there for me when I was struggling to move on with my life after abuse, and I can speak first hand to the value of the services they provide free of charge to victims of abuse. Rather than discuss what had happened in our past, Susan used her My Avenging Angel Workshops to help us rediscover our talents and establish goals. She created a safe atmosphere where we could recognize that we were not alone and that abuse happened to women of all ages, ethnicity, and economic backgrounds. We were all so different, and yet we all had an instant bond over what we had been through. Instead of focusing on just getting women out of abusive relationships, the objective was instead on breaking the cycle of abuse. By rediscovering our self worth, we were able to let go of the past and embrace the future.

I truly believe that the work CT-ALIVE funds saves lives, and not only the lives of these women, but also their children and their children’s children. Children who grow up in abusive homes are far more likely to enter abusive relationships. That is why ending the cycle of abuse is so important.

And that is why raising money for CT-ALIVE and raising awareness is so important to me. If I could change one thing that was the most damaging about the abuse, it was the reaction of the people who found out. The comments about how “It takes two”, “There’s always two sides the the story”, and the people (primarily my abusers family) who just flat out called me a liar. Not to mention the officer who made it a point to try to publicly humiliate me for reporting it, insisting I would just get back with my ex anyway so I was just wasting his time. If I could educate just one person to how ignorant and damaging these types of statements are I would feel like my efforts have been worth while. No one asks for or deserves to be abused, and they certainly don’t deserve to be blamed for it when it happens.

I think it is unfortunate that we live in a society that is so bent on victim blaming. If a women is raped, there is always the implication that she did something to provoke it. We never stop to take a hard look at the perpetrators. Somehow, they seem to escape blame in the public eye. Where is the outrage when a man murders his wife and posts the photos on Facebook and then blames her for making him do it? OR at the judge who over looked the mandatory sentence and only gave a man 30 days for raping a minor because he thought she looked older than her age? Why are we as a nation not crying out for change? One in four women will be a victim of domestic violence in her lifetime- ONE IN FOUR. So why is domestic not in the news as a national epidemic the way obesity is?

In today’s society, it’s so easy to convince oneself that there is nothing we can do to change the way things are. However, I refuse to believe that I cannot make a difference in this matter. On October 20th, I will be lacing up my running shoes and taking on Bimber’s Bluff, a 50 K primarily self supported trail race in southern CT. Every inch of that 33+ mile course I will be running for victims of abuse. I want to show other women just how much they can accomplish in life after overcoming domestic violence. I want to show the rest of the world that survivors of abuse are some of the strongest people on this planet. Enduring and overcoming the 5+ years of mental and ultimately physical abuse was by far the hardest thing I have done in my life: harder than Yale, harder than PA school, harder than the Ultra Beast. The fact that there are people out there who have suffered so much worse than I did and are still able to pick themselves up every morning and carry on is a testament to their strength- whether or not they realize it.

Every year I pick my hardest race as the fundraiser for CT-ALIVE, and I do it intentionally. The people I am fundraising for deserve nothing less. Furthermore, it is a reminder to myself every October of just how far I have come from that day I left in the pouring rain. Every step of physical pain and exhaustion is a reminder of the psychological torment and suffering that I and other survivors of violence have endured. It’s a reminder of what kind of strength it takes to endure abuse and how if my abuser didn’t break me, then nothing any race has to throw at me will. I don’t know if I will complete Bimbler’s Bluff within the 10 hour times limit, but I do know that I won’t quit. I also may just have the best motivator of anyone out there. 🙂

This month I would like to encourage you to go purple! Do something to honor victims of domestic violence whether it is something as simple as wearing purple or making a donation to support a local charity. Help spread the word that domestic violence is not ok and it is certainly not cool or funny. After all, the person you are helping to make a difference for may be your own sister or daughter.

If you are interested in learning more about CT-ALIVE or donating to support Susan Omilian’s work you can check out our website.

Feeling Recharged

“the mind is like a car battery –
it recharges by running.”

– Bill Watterson

The fact that I didn’t sleep well last night did not stop me from waking up feeling totally recharged this morning! My training slum is finally behind me, and I am ready to take on my next set of challenges! (and obviously the training that will go along with them).

To celebrate this morning I did 5 miles on the treadmill. The first half I ran with some incline and then did intervals alternating between 7 and 8 mph for the second half. In the end I averaged an 8:20 min/mile pace, which is pretty darn good for a warm up. 🙂

My actual workout consisted of more heavy lifting. (yea!!!!) Not sure what it is about lifting heavy things that makes me happy, but it definitely does! Since yesterday was upper body, today we did legs. It’s the first time I’ve gone heavy with the trainer, and it felt really good. I was able to deadlift more than my body weight AND the trainer complimented me on the fact that I was doing walking lunges with more weight than his guys can handle. I think he may have even admitted he was impressed at one point. lol

It seems a few days of running and hitting some heavy weight was exactly what I needed to recharge my batteries and feel like myself again. In fact, later today I plan on signing up for that 50K Ultra. The way I figure, the 10 hr time limit means I could walk the whole thing if I had to. Plus, I already know I can endure a marathon and even a marathon’s worth of obstacle racing. I strongly doubt this ultra could be any worse than the Ultra Beast, even with an extra few miles. Besides, if all else fails I do have those 5 years of abuse of my belt. What’s 10 hours of physical torture compared with 5 years of psychological torment, right? 😉

On Being Blessed

“Live your truth. Express your love. Share your enthusiasm. Take action towards your dreams. Walk your talk. Dance and sing to your music. Embrace your blessings. Make today worth remembering.”
― Steve Maraboli

There are not too many people who can say they have been blessed with a second chance at life, but that is exactly what I have had. I don’t just mean with my marriage either.

The funny thing about being in an abusive relationship is that you never realize just how bad the situation is while you are in it. If you are a naturally upbeat person like I tend to be, then you focus on the positives and try to rationalize or ignore the bad stuff. Even when I was with my abuser, I still believed I was a lucky person. I thought my abuser and his family loved me. It was what I wanted to believe, so I did wholeheartedly. It wasn’t until the day of the wedding when he and his family so blatantly disregarded my feelings that I could no longer make excuses or ignore the truth. That awakening is what escalated the abuse. (If there’s one thing an abuser can’t handle it’s getting called out on his bad behavior… even when done in the meekest fashion possible!)

Had the abuse never progressed to being physical, I’m not sure that I would have gotten out as quickly as I did… or at all. My abuser had done such a great job of manipulating the truth that it was hard to believe even what in my heart I knew was wrong. From the second he put his hands on me, though, it was black and white. He was the one with issues who couldn’t control his temper. Up until that point, he had found a way to blame EVERYTHING on me. He would twist the situation until he suited him; however, despite his best efforts- there was no turning this situation around. When he did try to rationalize it (and make it my fault), he claimed he was being mentally abused by me and I drove him to it. That was when I realized he was completely NUTS. All this time he had me convinced that I was the crazy one, and now here he was grasping at straws letting his true colors show. That is when I closed the door to us and started putting my life back together. The fact that it was such a difficult lesson to learn does not make it any less valuable. I didn’t stand up for myself. I let someone walk into my life and tell me what I was worth and how to live it. No one has that right. It’s not a mistake I’ll make twice.

My point is if my abuser had never beat me up, I might have never realized how awful my life had become. I had been essentially pigeonholed by my abuser for years, but because he did it so slowly over time, I never realized how much ground he took from me. I gave up my power, my identity, and I let him control my life. I was watching everything I said and did to avoid settling him off or being criticized.

Once I was out from under his thumb, it was as if a weight had been lifted from my shoulders- a weight I previously never realized had existed. I was on cloud nine for about three months before the PTSD symptoms kicked in and put my life in upheaval for months on end.

While I may never be rid of my PTSD symptoms, I have gotten a lot better at recognizing and dealing with them. They still rear their ugly head at the most inconvenient times… like when I trying to go for a relaxing run on vacation and end up panicking about being abducted or attacked by bears… Yeah that’s a good time. I used to resent having to deal with them, but now I feel like they are a small price to pay for everything I have gained from the experience.

Despite any lingering effects, I still feel incredibly blessed to have gone through the whole ordeal and come out of it a better person. A person deprived of sunlight will appreciate it like no other- the same applies to someone deprived of the freedom to be herself.

The fact that I have a husband now who loves me unconditionally for who I am, and not who he wants me to be is just icing on the cake. My life is no longer filled with people who knock me down and disregard my feelings. Instead, I choose to surround myself with positive people who are more interested in encouraging and uplifting others than tearing them down.

I am beyond fortunate to live the life I have now- on my own terms without apologizing. I have to say it feels pretty darn good. I am lucky to have the ability to finance my goals because running marathons isn’t cheap and triathlons are going to be even more costly. I am also blessed with an incredibly thoughtful and supportive husband who not only made sure I got the bike I fell in love with, but also made sure I had a road kit to change a flat AND a flashing back reflector so I’m visible to traffic. He’s the kind of guy that doesn’t cheer from the sidelines; he runs along side me… even when it’s clear that the pace is painfully slow for him.

As awful as my life was back then, that’s exactly how wonderful it is now. I appreciate my life now in a way I never could have before. Furthermore, I appreciate my husband and marriage more because of everything I’ve been through.

I only wish I could let every person in an abusive situation know how much better life can be- richer, fuller, happier, fulfilling. People going through abuse are made to believe that they are weak and helpless, but nothing could be further from the truth. Before I was in an abusive relationship, I always thought that abusers were aware of what they were doing. However, having spent years with my abuser, I can honestly say that he didn’t believe he was abusive. Instead he blamed EVERYTHING in his life on EVERYONE ELSE. I just got the brunt of it because I was closest to him. He truly believed that I was everything wrong with his life because he was too weak to accept responsibility in his own life. Abusers are weak individuals who need to blame their problems on other people. They are the ones who can’t handle life, not their victims. Anyone who is able to endure abuse day in and out is stronger than any abuser out there. The problem is, they aren’t aware of it.

My goal is to make victims and survivors aware of just how strong they are… and how much better life can be.

In the end, it was never about me. (healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com)
A Letter To The Misused And Confused (msfinancej.wordpress.com)

An Epic Week!

“There’s nothing like biting off more than you can chew, and then chewing anyway.”

~Mark Burnett

Haha Story of my life!!! 🙂

I’m BAAACCKKK!!!! And no, I was not away on a honeymoon (Boo I wish!)… Instead I have been working my ass off; now I’m here to tell you all about it! The past few months I have been basically spending every spare second cramming for my recertification exam (the PANRE). Prepping for this exam basically involved having to relearn everything from medical school that I don’t use on a regular basis (which is A LOT given that I work in a specialized field). I was taking it a year early so that if I didn’t pass for any reason I would have time to try again; however this did absolutely nothing to make me feel better. By the time I actually took the test, I had not slept in over a week- despite taking ambien on a nightly basis. The exam itself sucked as badly as the initial certifying exam, causing me to leave the testing center with a pit in my stomach. I didn’t feel confident about the majority of my answer choices (it’s really more of “selective the least awful answer” than “select the best answer choice”). However, I just got my email confirmation this week that I PASSED!!!!!! That means no more cramming for another 11 years!!! I can’t even begin to explain the sense of relief. That was first awesome thing that happened this week. 😀

But wait! It gets better! Saturday I took my mountain bike out for a nice long 26+ mile ride which brought me well over my goal of 100 miles biked this summer! Beyond just being stoked about achieving my goal, I was thrilled that I managed the ride solo. It was my first long one without Adam AND I did it on a hilly route with lots of busy streets and intersections! This is HUGE for me! The first bike ride I took with Adam, I couldn’t even do the downhills. I was too scared. Our second bike ride was completely flat and, I was still in a panic and hyperventilating. Now, I’m riding difficult routes in traffic– without freaking out!

Instead, every time I get on that bike I feel strong and empowered. Even Adam admitted he was impressed with the hills I plow up on my regular rides to the gym. I can’t believe how far I have come in the past few weeks. I truly feel like I have conquered a HUGE FEAR, and I am ready to take it to the next level!

Since I reached my 100 mile mark, Adam and I went bike shopping this week. It turns out I am super short even by bike standards, so we had a hard time finding a shop with any bikes in my size to test ride. It also turns out we hit the season at a bad time. All the 2013 models are basically sold out, and the 2014s won’t be available for another few weeks. This is clearly a huge bummer if you happen to be vertically challenged and looking for a bike sooner rather than later. After 3 bike shops and several phone calls, I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.

The first bike shop had nothing in my size. The second shop was super helpful and had a few I could test ride, but would have to order the bike I wanted in a paint job I didn’t care for. The third shop had crummy service and wanted to sell me the 2012 version with a better paint scheme for almost the same price as the newer models. Luckily, REI had the bike I originally fell in love with in my size. Unluckily, they don’t have a store that they will ship it to in our state. So there I was, stuck with the dilemma of whether it was really worth paying a little extra to get the paint job I really wanted AND have to drive to another state to get it… not to mention pay another shop to have it fitted properly.

While I anguished over the decision, Adam went ahead and ordered me the one I fell in love with. He said he didn’t want me to settle. He was afraid if I went with a different bike that I would be disappointed at some point that I didn’t splurge on the one I really wanted. I can’t help but think of how lucky I am to have him helping me through this process. Despite having to work that night, he shuttled me from bike shop to bike shop and was never anything but supportive about it. I’m not sure I could have been as patient as he was if the situation was reversed! He is definitely a keeper!

As far as financing this whole process, that leads me to my last big news. For the past several years I have had my first engagement ring and wedding band on consignment. I put them in a store that belongs to a family friend because I wasn’t sure what to do with them, and I didn’t want to get ripped off. To be honest, I never liked my original ring set. In fact, I thought the engagement ring was hideous. It was everything I said I didn’t want in a ring, but, of course, my ex thought he knew better than me and didn’t care what I liked or wanted. Up until now, I had never had a good idea of what to do with the money if I sold the rings. I did know it would have to be for something special. When I was trying to figure out how to afford a road bike, it just suddenly clicked.

The reason I took on cycling was to get into triathlons- and the reason for getting into triathlons is to ultimately (someday) do an Ironman. I could not think of a more fitting way to spend the money than purchase a vehicle to do the impossible. My ex made it a point to regularly tell me how I never wanted to do anything and couldn’t “handle any little thing”. I’m sure he would just die if he knew what I was doing with the money from his ring… or he would insist I was just doing it to spite him and take credit. lol More likely the latter.

The truth is, I am always looking for a new way to challenge myself- physically and mentally. Ever since I started hearing about the Ironman, it’s been one of those “maybe someday” goals. Now that I am getting a road bike, that “someday” goal has morphed more into a plan. Right now, I am focusing on getting comfortable on the bike. I know I need to ride a lot faster and longer, but I am confident I can get there. That will be my project for this fall. In addition, I am working on keeping my running mileage up. In fact, I did a 15+ mile run to celebrate my 26 mile bike ride on Sunday… at least that’s how far I made it before my groin acted up and I had to call Adam to rescue me from the 7 miles separating me and my car… In retrospect a 20 mile run may have been ambitious following the bike ride, but I digress…

I know what you are wondering, what about the swimming? Well, that will be the real challenge because I never learned to swim properly- like the whole front crawl face-in-the-water style. I do, however, happen to know a very good swimmer and trainer who is willing to give me some lessons, so now I have my winter goal set as well: tackle swimming.

Finally, conveniently, this spring their will be a REV 3 Half Ironman just a few hours from our house… SOOOOOO if I accomplish my biking and swimming goals (and manage to stay injury free), I plan on being there. With all Adam’s talk about family planning and baby making I feel like this is my one shot before I will have to put it off for God knows how long. THEN, should the heavens smile upon me, and I accomplish this monumental task, we will see about a full Ironman. Aside from the swimming, I think it’s TOTALLY doable… lol

So that is my epic week so far. What makes it even better is I am still on vacation AND Adam and I are going away for the weekend to the Berkshires for some hiking and relaxation!

More than anything, I am so happy to feel like I am on the right path to something. The amount I got for the rings was exactly the amount I needed for the bike and shoes. Somehow, I just don’t feel like that’s a coincidence. If I can come from where I started both mentally and physically and even take on just the Half Ironman, I think it will be a huge accomplishment AND speak volumes to what victims of violence can accomplish when they decide to embrace life and challenge themselves. The fact that the start of my journey to the Ironman coincides with getting rid of the very last piece of my past is purely poetic to me.

I feel like this song was made for me and thivers everywhere. 🙂

The Things that Linger

The shock of any trauma, I think changes your life.

It’s more acute in the beginning and after a little time you settle back to what you were.

However it leaves an indelible mark on your psyche.
-Alex Lifeson

When I wrote in my blog how I am finally in a ~~good~~ great place and actually thriving, I completely meant it. I love the life I have built. I love the place I’m in… but that doesn’t mean that there are no effects of the abuse that still linger. Now I am not saying that I am still plagued by the horrible symptoms of PTSD. I am relieved and thrilled to say that my anxiety has dramatically lessened (basically to pre-trauma levels… let’s face it, I’ll always be high strung).

However, the one hurdle I can’t seem to get over is that nagging fear of losing control. I don’t mean in the OCD control freak sort of way (although I have that too!), but rather in a I’m too terrified to let go and have fun when snow boarding kind of way.

Ever since my trauma, I haven’t enjoyed snow boarding. Prior, I had LOVED it! It makes me a little sad that I just can’t get myself back to that place again. I’m always too terrified to let go and just be in the moment. The second I start to pick up speed I panic because I’m so afraid of going fast and getting hurt. It’s as if I have lost trust in my ability to control my board.

Snow boarding was the first time I noticed this, then I tried taking up biking with Adam. He bought me my first mountain bike, and it spent a year in the garage because I was terrified of being so high off the ground. I had never ridden on a real bike and was not accustomed to the seat being up so high. I also had never used a bike with gears as a child, so I was a bit overwhelmed by all the technology.

Then a month or so ago I decided I didn’t want to be confined by my fear (or for Adam to have wasted his money). I took that bike out on a trail and scared the daylights out of myself. lol Adam was there with me, coaching me the whole way. I don’t think we even covered 4 miles in the course of an hour because I insisted on walking every downhill. However, I made a commitment to myself that by the end of the summer, I would have the hang of riding that bike.

Our next ride, we picked a flat, paved bike path and cranked out over 18 miles. I was practically in tears the first half trying to get through the turnstiles (or whatever you call those ridiculous things!) at the intersections and avoid all the other ~~obstacles~~ people on the path. By the time we turned around to head back toward the car, however, I was pedaling as fast as my little legs could carry me. The best part is that I wasn’t even tired. I think it was the high for truly looking my fear in the face. 🙂

Since then, Adam and I have made it out on another 24+ mile bike ride. I am definitely getting more comfortably with operating the gears, and more excitingly, with riding fast. I think I even clocked over 20 miles an hour on part of our ride! I have even made a new deal with myself that if I can cover 100 miles of riding by the end of the summer, that I will invest in a road bike in the fall when they go on sale… with clip in pedals and the whole nine yards! (clip-ins… YIKES!!!)

In the meantime, I still have some hurdles left to get over… like holding the handle bars with a death grip and being afraid to let go or stand up and pedal. I did finally give up on clutching the brakes the whole time at least! lol

And here is the bike I have already fallen in love with… I can’t explain it; I just feel drawn to it.

Then and Now

“Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living.”
― Alysha Speer

It’s approximately 3 years and 7 months since I left my abuser, yet it seems like a lifetime ago. I’m not sure when things changed so dramatically in my life since then, but they have. For starters, I had to count back to figure out how long it’s been since it happened. It’s not something that crosses my mind anymore. The anxiety and nightmares are all but gone, and something even more amazing has happened… Somewhere along the way I found myself.

I have taken some time recently to go back and read some of my early blog posts. I was so unsure of myself when I started this blog! I wanted to speak out about domestic violence and show the world that abuse can happen to anyone and it isn’t something to be ashamed of. I wanted people to see that there is life after abuse beyond just surviving. I wanted to let people know about the concept of THRIVING, even though I didn’t quite have the hang of it yet.

Every race I entered, I wasn’t sure that I could finish. I would have anxiety and not sleep beforehand. I was still terrified of failure. I was afraid of what not meeting my goals might do to my self esteem. With each victory, I set my sights on something bigger; but all the while I doubted my ability.

However, at some point I stopped worrying about failing. Maybe it was my first DNF that broke me out of it. After all, I had technically failed the issued challenge, yet I was nothing but impressed with myself that I had accomplished as much as I did. Was I disappointed? Yes, but only that I didn’t have the opportunity to finish- NOT because I didn’t think I could. In the end, I didn’t quit. The course was shut down- but before it did, I had accomplished something few people could say they they have done. I took on that mountain and all it’s grueling torture and I DID NOT QUIT.

Perhaps I was stronger than I realized all along. Maybe I wasn’t ready yet to take on life at the extreme pace I am capable of. Ever since my abuse, I had found myself afraid of being overwhelmed. I wouldn’t plan multiple activities in a week or too many projects at once for fear that it would be too much to handle. It’s only recently that I’ve found that I NOT ONLY can handle multiple projects and commitments at once, but I am better off for it. I have more energy and enthusiasm for life when I’m channeling all my energy into being productive. This has been especially true of my work for CT-ALIVE. It’s been completely inspiring to brainstorm and put our plans into motion. It makes me feel like my life has purpose and like I can take on anything. So instead of taking time to myself to “relax” or zone out in front of a movie at night, I’ve been working on making a difference in the world… and I can’t say I really miss the TV.

It has been as if I all of a sudden woke up one day recently and decided, “you know what, I like who I am, AND I’m ok with it if other people don’t“. If someone says something negative about me, I no longer have that knee jerk reaction to defend myself. I feel like I finally have found myself, and I like the person I am today. I am secure, confident, and more relaxed, AND REMARKABLY: I’ve stopped apologizing. I am done apologizing for who I am, for having opinions, or for other people’s issues. I am keeping my head above the drama, and, for the most part, doing a good job at it. I have better things to do with my time than get caught up in cattiness. I don’t want to hear negative things about other people, especially when they aren’t even present to defend themselves. I have finally found my voice, and I’m ready to use it! (For the greater good, of course)

Three years ago, I was lost and broken. I was in a terrible place and suffered from crippling anxiety. Today, I stand before you not cracked or broken, but solid and resolute. There’s very little that ruffles me at this point. I have too much to be happy about! I’m focused on seeing the good in people and the beautiful things in life. I don’t have time for hate or resentment, even toward people who have wronged me in the past. If someone doesn’t appreciate me for the loyal and caring person I am, it’s his/her loss, truly. People in this world make bad decisions, and I have FINALLY learned not to take them personally. I can only control my own behavior, so that’s what I choose to focus on.

I am moving forward in a positive direction and life continues to get better… I’m pretty sure all the endorphins have had a role to play in it as well. 😉 It’s pretty amazing to look back and see how far I’ve come on this journey; however, I am even more excited about where I’m going!

The Good You Do

“The good you do matters”

Hello Friends!

It’s been a while! Life has been chaotic, and crazy, and wonderful! My trip to Zion was AMAZING! I will need to devote a post to it at some point, but today I have more important things to discuss- things that pertain to why I started this blog in the first place.

Yesterday was a big day for me on a lot of levels. I spent it both volunteering and running at the Lavery/McDermott 5 K Race to End Domestic Violence in Newington CT. I never could have imagined how much one small race could impact my life!

I’m not normally big into 5ks. Oddly, I feel far more comfortable running a half marathon than a 3 mile race… Possibly, because if my time sucks at least I can still feel good about having covered that amount of distance… jk My original plan was just to go to help staff our table for CT-ALIVE; however, after watching the video above I knew I had to run. Did you watch it yet? No seriously, go back and watch it before you read the rest… I’ll wait.

I wish I had the talent to put together a youtube video and convey to the world what it’s like to endure and subsequently overcome the trauma of abuse; however, now I don’t need to because this girl (Tasha) does it in a perfectly eloquent, touching, and sincere way. Her message rings loud and clear: The Good You Do Matters! It matters whether it’s big or small. There is no wrong way to make a difference, and it may just be that you are making one without ever realizing it.

Running was (and still is) such a huge part of my healing, it seemed only fitting to lace up my shoes and run that race. I wanted to honor people like Tasha who have the courage to make a stand, as well as all the victims who never had the chance to speak up.

I went into the day with a solid sense of purpose. I wasn’t worried about my time or how fatigued my legs would be after punishing them all week (especially after the 10 miles of trail running at a brisk pace Thursday and max incline sprints on the treadmill Friday)… okay maybe I was a little worried, but I figured even if it was awful I could handle roughly 30 minutes of misery for a good cause… and obviously I would love every second of it regardless!

I have to just take a moment and say how wonderful all the staff and volunteers were at that race. They were organized, warm, and genuinely appreciative of every person who came out to show their support. I have done MANY races with fabulous organization and staff, but this race was special. There was a palpable sense of purpose. People were there to celebrate the lives of two important members of their community and to make a difference in the fight to end domestic violence. There was a great sense of commaradery from the time we arrived to set up, to the warm up (which by the way was SO MUCH FUN!!!!), through the race, and even after the finish.

So pumped to be there!

The course itself was a very wet, hilly, trail run through lots of slushy grass fields and occasionally through calf deep water (more like waste deep on me… and oh yes I loved that too!). My legs were like lead from the start, but my race mantra was “You don’t have to have a great time to have a great time.” Instead of focusing on how uncooperative my body was being, I paid attention to the scenery and people around me. Everyone had such a great positive vibe.

That being said I was thrilled to see the finish and completely hauled ass to get through it. I was pretty pleased with my time of 28 minutes, especially given the course was tough, my legs were shot, and I had to stop and tie my shoe at one point. lol Mostly, I was just happy to be there and present in the moment.

My “I can’t believe that just happened!” face.

Then something completely unexpected happened (well, unexpected by me at least!) I was totally and utterly shocked when they announced my name for second in my age group! It was my first medal for placing in a race EVER. The only medals I’ve ever earned up to this point were for finishing. I had just been joking with the other CT-ALIVE members that my age group was to fast to have placed, and that I needed to get older to place better in races. In fact, I specifically told them that if I continued to run into my 80s I might have a chance at qualifying for Boston… or winning in my age group. lol Of course, their belief in me was not deterred, and I think they were almost more excited than I was when my name was called. Actually, I think it took several minutes for it to sink in I was in such disbelief.

The thing is, I couldn’t care less that it wasn’t my best race performance, or that it was a tiny race without a bunch of elite athletes. I LOVED that race. I loved everything about it (aside from maybe the steep hill that went on forever in the beginning.. jk). Furthermore, if that is the only medal I ever earn for placing in my age group then I will still be a happy girl because it meant that much for it to happen at that race on that day.

The moral of my story is that Tasha is right. The good you do matters, even if you don’t think it’s enough or even realize it helps. So, maybe just maybe this blog matters too. Maybe it’s making a difference for someone somewhere who just needs that little nudge to get out and live life to the fullest. Maybe there’s someone who needs to hear that I’ve been there too, and it’s going to be ok… In fact, it’s going to be better than okay. It’s going to be as AMAZING AS YOU WANT IT TO BE, as long as you’re willing to work for it.

My deepest thank you to all the staff, volunteers, and organizers of the Lavery/McDermott 5K for a truly amazing experience. Thank you to Tasha for your indescribably wonderful video. I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I watched it, cried through it, or ~~forced~~ encouraged someone else to watch it. Thank you all for making a difference in my life, and reminding that I can make a difference in other peoples’ lives too. I will carry that day with me always and treasure the memories (and the medal) forever.

Until next year,

Jenny