Happiness

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

In the midst of all the drama going on with my family and my continued frustration at not being able to adequately blow off steam through training, I have once again been faced with the reality that Adam and I need time apart. As much as we both love and care about each other, we just can’t seem to make it work.

Although Adam has done a lot of things that have really hurt, I don’t question that he cares deeply about me. However, I’m just at a point where I can’t take it anymore. He has a lot he needs to sort out for himself; and as much as I want to be there for him and help… it’s just causing me more pain than him good.

Sometimes no matter how badly you want to help someone who is drowning, they will sink despite your best effort. At some point you need to let go before they take you down too. I have worked too hard at rebuilding my life and making myself happy to get dragged back down by someone unwilling or unable to help himself right now, so I’m taking a step back and letting him find his own way.

As much as I know it’s the right thing in my head AND that I have truly reached my breaking point with how much hurt and disappointment I can take- it hasn’t stopped me from second guessing, hurting, or beating myself up over it. The whole situation sucks, but I learned (quite painfully) from previous experience that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. It’s not something I can fix on my own, and he needs to fix himself (and find his own happiness) before we can ever even begin thinking about fixing “us” again.

In the meantime, I need to take some overdue time for myself. My whole life has always revolved around taking care of other people, but right now I need to put me first. For now that just means keeping sort of a low profile. I haven’t even told anyone at boot camp yet because I didn’t want to make it awkward for all the people who know and like us both. There’s also probably a small part of me that is afraid of how they’ll react or that they may judge me (having no idea what I’ve been through in the course of our relationship). Ultimately, no one has the right to judge me and I can’t keep worrying about it.

Tomorrow is a new day, and everyday I’m a little stronger… eventually- like all wounds– this will heal too.

“I am Woman. Hear me Roar”

I am sorry about the profanity, but the censored version wouldn’t load

Dear Mr. “X”,

I don’t know you, but I know I don’t like you. I have a serious problem with the way you’re treating my friend. You may think you can break her, but you have truly underestimated the woman you’re dealing with. Maybe it’s because you never took the time to love or know her as a husband should. Let me just enlighten you, that girl has more strength and character in her little toe than you’ll ever have in your life. Tell me, exactly what kind of man spends his time trying to tear down the mother of his child? What kind of miserable person wastes his own life trying to destroy someone else’s?

You may think you can convince the world with your lying and manipulation, but I am on to your games. You abusers all study from the same handbook; not one of you ever has anything original to say. You spend your time telling your target she is crazy, unlovable, selfish, unattractive, and a terrible mother. The list goes on and on. You try to convince her she’s isolated and cut off her support system. You make her feel like her problems are a burden to other people. You attempt to tear everything that makes her happy out of her life. You know how to play the victim card, how to fein concern, and how to strike for the jugular once her guard is down. This time, however, in your case, it isn’t going to work.

You won’t convince her she’s crazy because she has too many people who care about her to show her the truth. Plus, thanks to your insistence on having her head examined she now a psychologist to back up the fact that YOU- NOT HER are the problem. YOU are the crazy one. YOU are the weak one. YOU are the one who needs therapy. Strong men don’t chip away other peoples’ self esteem. Cowards lacking any self esteem of their own do… BULLIES do. You are a coward and a bully, and I can’t stand either.

You won’t convince her she is unlovable because I LOVE HER, and I tell her everyday. I will continue to tell her everyday until she’s tired of hearing it. That girl is like a sister to me. I know exactly what she is going through. I know WHAT YOU ARE PUTTING HER THROUGH. For every insult you utter in her direction I will offer 100 words of encouragement. THAT is kind of treatment she deserves. Guess what else… I’m not the only one behind her. She has a MULTITUDE of people who genuinely love her without conditions or criticism- a kind of love you can’t comprehend. We will continue to love her no matter what you do.

You may try to convince both her and yourself of how worthless she is, but everyone who meets her loves her. She has a gift for touching people. She is capable of compassion you’ll never understand. She is not someone you meet and forget. That girl has star quality, and she SHINES IN SPITE OF YOU. She is handling the most difficult situations (that’s right- plural) a person can face in her life- ALL AT THE SAME TIME and still manages each day with more strength, determination, grace, and optimism than you could ever imagine. You ARE TOO BLIND TO SEE IT. That girl is NEVER bitter. If there was ever a person who had a right to be angry at the world it is her, but instead she is CARING, GIVING, and LOVING. THAT IS WHY WE LOVE HER. That is why we ADMIRE her. She may think we lift her up, but it is she who lifts us up on a regular basis.

That is NOT the behavior of a selfish person. She doesn’t have a mean or selfish bone in her body. Making her health a priority is not selfish. Going after her goals in life is not selfish. Wanting to be the best person she can be, to be the best mom she can be is not selfish. HOW DARE YOU TRY TO MANIPULATE HER INTO FEELING GUILTY FOR TRYING TO BE HAPPY. It’s bad enough that you are completely incapable of being EVEN REMOTELY SUPPORTIVE. To be MEAN and SPITEFUL enough to call a woman a bad mother FOR EXERCISING and EATING HEALTHY is down right inexcusable. What gives you the right, please tell me? Are you so threatened that you can’t stand the sight of her getting stronger? Are you so demasculinated by the fact THAT SHE CAN NOT ONLY SURVIVE WITHOUT YOU, BUT BE HAPPIER WITHOUT YOU that you have to threaten to take away the one thing that matters to her most? You need to attempt to take her child from her simply to get even and make her miserable? A child you don’t even have the slightest idea how to care for, seriously? The fact that you would even consider tearing your daughter away from the person who loves her most, that she is most closely bonded to proves in itself what a flat out TERRIBLE PARENT YOU ARE.

That is the mother of your child and SHE DESERVES YOUR RESPECT. She is a beautiful person inside and out. You were LUCKY to have ever gotten her at all. You knew she was too good for you and were afraid of her realizing it, so you tried to tear her down to your level. But it didn’t work because despite all the garbage you tried to fill her head with, that girl still knows her self worth. Even if she doesn’t believe it 100% to the core yet, she will. You’re hold over her gets weaker everyday as she makes further steps to improve her life. She went and got healthy and it pissed you off. How dare she be happy when she has so much to fall apart over. I’m sure it just eats away at someone like you who could have the world on a plate and still manage to be miserable.

You can’t cut off her support system or keep her from the people who care about her. WE WON’T LET YOU. There are too many of us who love her way too much to ever let you get in the way. You have grossly underestimated your ability to control her. You can’t manipulate everyone into seeing her in the twisted light you do. We aren’t blind. We can see her for who she truly is. It’s too bad you are too busy seeing your own flaws in her to appreciate it yourself. While you’re still finding reasons to blame others for your problems, THAT GIRL IS GOING TO CONQUER THE WORLD. She will succeed IN SPITE OF YOU and BE STRONGER FOR HAVING GONE THROUGH IT. You just keep it coming because it’s all fuel to keep her pushing forward toward success and happiness. It won’t be long before she leaves you in the dust.

Sincerely,

Jenny