self improvement

Doing The Hard Thing… Again

“The only way to find true happiness is to risk being completely cut open.”
― Chuck Palahniuk, Invisible Monsters

In the midst of all the drama going on with my family and my continued frustration at not being able to adequately blow off steam through training, I have once again been faced with the reality that Adam and I need time apart. As much as we both love and care about each other, we just can’t seem to make it work.

Although Adam has done a lot of things that have really hurt, I don’t question that he cares deeply about me. However, I’m just at a point where I can’t take it anymore. He has a lot he needs to sort out for himself; and as much as I want to be there for him and help… it’s just causing me more pain than him good.

Sometimes no matter how badly you want to help someone who is drowning, they will sink despite your best effort. At some point you need to let go before they take you down too. I have worked too hard at rebuilding my life and making myself happy to get dragged back down by someone unwilling or unable to help himself right now, so I’m taking a step back and letting him find his own way.

As much as I know it’s the right thing in my head AND that I have truly reached my breaking point with how much hurt and disappointment I can take- it hasn’t stopped me from second guessing, hurting, or beating myself up over it. The whole situation sucks, but I learned (quite painfully) from previous experience that it takes TWO people to make a relationship work. It’s not something I can fix on my own, and he needs to fix himself (and find his own happiness) before we can ever even begin thinking about fixing “us” again.

In the meantime, I need to take some overdue time for myself. My whole life has always revolved around taking care of other people, but right now I need to put me first. For now that just means keeping sort of a low profile. I haven’t even told anyone at boot camp yet because I didn’t want to make it awkward for all the people who know and like us both. There’s also probably a small part of me that is afraid of how they’ll react or that they may judge me (having no idea what I’ve been through in the course of our relationship). Ultimately, no one has the right to judge me and I can’t keep worrying about it.

Tomorrow is a new day, and everyday I’m a little stronger… eventually- like all wounds– this will heal too.

Reflections

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:

Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”

-Jane Howard

(Quote on my Archangels workshop folder)

“Day 3 of the Thriver Retreat and I am drained. I had nightmares overnight and didn’t get much sleep. I am still missing my natural rhythm of running in the morning and have had difficulty shaking off lingering negativity. I should have run this morning , but it’s too late to beat myself up over it. I do anyway. I feel guilty for not being more upbeat. I don’t want to drag down the rest of the group. I need to stop doing this. I need to allow myself to feel off at times. ”

Above is my journal entry from this morning.

I spent this weekend at an Archangel Thriver Retreat at the Guest House in lovely Chester, CT. It was both an energizing and exhausting experience. That is part of the reason my blog posts have been delayed and are now coming in a flood.

Naturally being an introvert, I find spending time in groups extremely tiring. I can’t even handle long periods with my own family without getting worn out. I need alone time to recharge. Don’t get me wrong. I truly enjoy other people’s company. I want to feel connected like every other person, but this was a little too much of a good thing. By the end of Day 2 I was over-extended and overwhelmed.

The lack of sleep that night only added to my fatigue. By the morning of Day 3 I felt like I had nothing left to give. I was drained. Breakfast was a bit a of a solemn affair. I could see the exhaustion I was feeling written on the faces of some of the other women. This made me feel a little better, a reminder that sometimes being off is normal and not a lingering remnant of abuse. We looked like we had been to battle- in many ways we had. The retreat had pushed each of us outside our comfort zone and forced us to confront our inner critics. Survivors of abuse have particularly loud inner critics (many times taking on the voices and comments of the past abusers). It’s a constant struggle to keep them quiet. It was clear the fight had worn on many of us.

The morning began by “opening the circle”, a chance for the group to meditate, offer prayer, share energy, and our thoughts of what we were grateful for. There were many apologies mixed in. Apparently many more people were experiencing low energy than I had realized. I was clearly not alone. Even Susan was not herself. Sharing this knowledge helped us try to shake off the negativity and embrace the day. Our theme of the retreat was “Fireworks”, inspired by Katie Perry’s hit song. It was the first time I had actually read the lyrics. They seemed so appropriate.

We let our colors burst by writing letters to ourselves from 6 months in the future. We were supposed to envision all we’d have accomplished by then. It was so wonderful to hear everyone’s positive vision of the next 6 months! I was the last to read mine to the group. I started strong but started to tear up (as usual). I congratulated myself on finishing my first half and full marathon despite doubting that I could do it, for fundraising for charity, for having a successful blog that was reaching and inspiring other women and spreading the word about domestic abuse, for using my desire to help and heal others to overcome insecurities and my inner critic, for accepting myself and others, for no longer keeping people at arms length, for letting go of the lingering notion that I “make everyone around [me] miserable” (something that still haunts me from my abuse), and for finding volunteer work that was meaningful to me. It was a tall order, but I’ve always been one to aim high.

I also gave myself the task of organizing a road race as a fundraiser for CT-ALIVE. It will be my first attempt at organizing any event, period. I don’t know anything about how to host a road race, but I will very shortly! It gave me a pit in my stomach on the ride home, and then I reminded myself that 1) I won’t be doing it alone, 2) even if I fail or it doesn’t work these women will support me and encourage me to keep trying, and 3) it will be COMPLETELY AMAZING if we actually pull it off! After all, my goal is to help other victims and speak out, and this will be a terrific opportunity to not only spread the word about domestic abuse, but also about THRIVING.

As worn and exhausted as I returned home today, I was equally inspired! I LOVE these women. I have never experienced such unconditional support and understanding from a group, many of whom are practically strangers. It is such a profoundly incredible feeling to belong to such an empowered and optimistic network of women.

Here is another terrific music video that one of the beautiful ladies at the retreat shared: “I Love Me Better Than That” by Shirley Murdock

What is a Thriver?

“Sisterhood is many things. It’s a warm smile on a cold and rainy day, a friendly hug, a cheerful hello… It’s all that a good and lasting friendship is, only better. It’s treasured. It’s sacred. It’s knowing that there will always be someone there for you. It’s dreams shared, and goals achieved. It’s counting on others and being counted on. It is real.”

This post dedicated to all my Archangel Sisters. I love each and every one of you!

This morning I was charged with the task of defining what “thriver” means to me. I compiled a list of the first words that came to mind: self knowing, embracing life, living to the fullest, empowered, open, secure, unbroken, girl power, liberated, and vibrant. It was a good start. However, truly grasping the essence of thriving is not something that can be broken down and explained on paper. It’s something that needs to be felt.

The most wonderful thing happens when you attend the My Avenging Angel Workshops and follow-up sessions. You become part of a sisterhood: a loving, accepting, flaw embracing community of women committed to improving not only their own lives, but also the lives of others. That is where the thriver energy emanates. It comes from each and every woman.

The Angels are a diverse group- coming in every shape, size, age, color, and religion- a reminder that domestic violence does not discriminate. Yet, we do not dwell on our past. Instead, we celebrate the beauty of our differences and bond over a common experience. Surprisingly, it’s not the trauma or past suffering that brings us together. It is the desire to bring about change- in ourselves and in the world that binds us. Together, we see a future filled with limitless possibilities. In each of us there is hope, faith, and the courage to embark on a journey to a more fruitful and fulfilling life. We give each other strength. Our ties cross town and state lines across this country. We are feminism at its best- an abuser’s worst nightmare! Are motto: “Living well is the best revenge”.

Being a thriver is more than becoming a self-aware, self-loving individual. It is about belonging and becoming part of a community. The community is necessary to impact other lives. It’s the sense of sisterhood that helps to empower us. I could not imagine what a difficult journey it would be, or it even being possible to thrive without a strong support network. No one individual is self-sufficient enough not to need a shoulder to cry or lean on during hard times. A house is only as good as the foundation it is built upon, and the individual is no different. You are only as solid as your base. In this respect I have been very lucky (not only to have the Angels, but also the unconditional love of my amazing family, friends, and boyfriend who always back me 100% – equally in success and failure).

I am so grateful to belong to such an awe-inspiring group of women. Each is a blessing in a my life, a window to the possibilities of how the future could be. I am fortunate to not only have such a tremendous family (both by blood and bond), but to be part of one. Knowing that I play a role helping and healing others is more healing and empowering than anything I could achieve on my own.

If you reside in or near Connecticut and are interested in moving beyond survivor to thriver please visit Susan Omilian’s website for more information on the FREE My Avenging Angels Workshops. You can also email me at runningthriver@gmail.com.

If you do not live near Connecticut and are still interested in joining the Thriver community, check out the Thriver Workbook. In it you will find many of the exercises Susan uses in her workshops. You can also check out The Thriverzone.

As always, thank you for reading! Please feel free to share any of the information here if you know someone who can benefit from it (just give credit back to the site please 🙂 ) Comments and feedback are always welcome and appreciated. Good luck in your Thriver Journey!!!

First day on new legs…

“Man imposes his own limitations, don’t set any”

-Anthony Bailey

I have finally begun my (not so triumphant) return to trail running!

I may have been pushing it, but the combination of rest due to nagging IT band syndrome and my subsequent viral invasion had left me home bound and stir crazy. At the first sign of being able to stand upright and marginally breathe through my nose I was out the door. I needed to run.

I brought Penny along to ensure I took it easy and give her some much needed exercise and attention. We did an easy couple miles with a few good hills. Penny disappeared frequently into the nearby streams before finally rolling in a particularly large, muddy puddle. She instantly turned from yellow lab to chocolate. She was delighted with herself. I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s a good thing I’ve gotten past keeping my car meticulously clean!

The trails were particularly wet and buggy from all the rain earlier in the week. There was evidence of recent flooding with fine silt covering the leaves of the low lying shrubs. The pavement and large concrete blocks had been upheaved and oddly twisted out of place. There were branches and leaves scattered that had fallen prematurely, likely from some violent wind storm. The whole scene had changed dramatically from my previous run there just a few weeks earlier, a reminder that nature is always changing and evolving. The bugs, however, were the same- a reliable drawback of trail running. They swarm so closely that I have frequently inhaled and swallowed them accidentally. I wonder if it is still bad karma to kill bugs even if it isn’t on purpose…

Overall, my trail performance was not stellar. However, I made it out and I enjoyed it. More importantly, I didn’t aggravate my IT bands- a promising sign. 🙂

Be the Change you want to See…

“Be the change that you want to see in the
world.”
Mohandas Gandhi

Reclaiming my life after abuse has been both the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life. Last night I took a huge step toward becoming the positive change I want to see in the world. I was officially voted onto the board for CT-ALIVE, and even graduating with a degree from Yale does not compare in the sense of accomplishment. I have come such a long way on this journey!

From the time I first left my abusive relationship, I have wanted to get involved and give back to other women. Participating in Susan Omilian’s “My Avenging Angels Workshops” has only served to intensify this desire. The women in her follow up group are all amazing, strong, and beautiful people (both inside and out). They have so much to offer, and I wanted to be like them. So many of them had gone on to obtain degrees in social work and counseling in order to help other victims. Several work in healing and advocating for victims of violence. There is an amazing energy in the room whenever they are together. It’s palpable.

It was at one of the follow sessions that I got the idea to use my passion for running to help raise money and awareness for victims of violence. I told Susan how I could use the races I was running to raise money for her scholarship fund and sent an email to CT-ALIVE to ask for their blessing (without realizing that I already knew many of the members of the board). Susan replied back on both accounts with great enthusiasm and even extended an invitation to join the board. I was honored. Then she asked me for my résumé, and my heart sank a little. I had never volunteered on a board, or even for any organization focused on domestic abuse. My entire resume had to do with medical work. I sent it to her and attached the following cover letter:

Dear Members of the Board:

My name is Jenny W; and as you can see from my résumé, I am currently employed as a physician assistant in general surgery.

I have never functioned as part of a board, and have limited experience working with victims of violence. However, I do have experience at being a victim of violence and speaking out against it. I have always been a compassionate person, but surviving abuse and living with the daily struggles of PTSD has given me the ability to empathize with other victims. It is important to me to let them know they are not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.

I have recently started a blog titled “The Running Thriver” to raise awareness about domestic violence and provide resources and hope to other victims. I am also planning to use my passion for running to raise money and awareness for victims of domestic abuse.

What I lack in experience I can more than make up for in sheer drive, determination, passion, and enthusiasm. As someone with the strength and resources to speak out and advocate for others, I feel it is my duty to do so to the best of my ability. Violence and abuse destroy lives. I want to be a force in this world against them.

Sincerely,

Jenny W. PA-C, MMs

As I typed the letter, I had a slight sense of dread that I would show up at the board meeting and not be voted in. I was unsure of how they would react to my lack of experience. I didn’t know what to expect. I should have know better.

Stepping into the meeting was like walking into a bubble of positive energy. In addition to the many delicious snacks, the room was filled with enthusiasm and ideas. They were eager to hear what I had to say, which I found very humbling. It was like being in a room full of giants. They have all accomplished such great things, and here I was just starting out. (Check out my Blog Roll for further info on their individual projects) However, everyone was extremely gracious and made me feel completely welcome as part of their group. I felt like I was part of a terrific think tank with a single mission to reach victims of domestic violence and improve their lives. It was completing energizing, a feeling that I typically only associate with working out.

As horrible a situation as going through the abuse was, it would be difficult for me to say that no good has come from it. After all, it’s given me a tremendous opportunity to meet some incredibly amazing women and find volunteer work that I am truly passionate about. I also have a new found appreciation for exactly how much inner strength I possess. People who are never challenged in life miss out on ever realizing their full potential. I, on-the-other-hand, have had the privilege of finding out exactly what I am made of; and that is something I don’t regret at all. It has made me a stronger, more self-aware person, and (among other things) a better runner.

I would encourage everyone to visit the new and improved website for CT-ALIVE and read more about the work they do. They are making a terrific impact on women’s lives and provide their services free of charge. Please consider donating to help support their ongoing work. If you know anyone who you think may benefit from reading this blog, feel free to share. Also if you have any questions or comments you can either leave them here or email me at runningthriver@gmail.com.

Fatigue- My Enemy

“When we are tired, we are attacked by ideas we conquered long ago”

Friedrich Nietzsche

Nothing makes me feel more stuck in a rut than coming up a against a week without restful sleep. Even when I am really making progress at life, all it takes is a few nights of nightmares for my “inner critic” to go crazy. Fatigue makes me vulnerable, and it is always a reality check as to just how much work I have left to do and my road to a “normal” existence. The truth is that every day I am waging war with myself. Like the cartoon characters with a little angel and devil on each shoulder, I carry an ongoing argument in my head with my negative inner critic. On good days, I can tune out these thoughts (generally along the lines of feeling like an isolated, negative, unlikable, damaged, worthless person). However, a few nights of sleep deprivation sends me into a tailspin of self-deprecation.

In my life before abuse, I didn’t stress over much because I had absolute faith that things would always be okay and I would always land on me feet. It was a rosy view of things, but every problem I ever faced had always worked itself out without too much fallout. I figured that if I was a good person and treated other people with kindness, generosity, and respect that I would – in the grand Karma scheme of things- receive the same in return.

Over five years of psychological, emotional, and ultimately physical abuse (not only on the part of my ex-husband, but also his family- whom I loved as my own) shattered my view of that reality. It was a gut-wrenching, devastating, and absolutely heart breaking experience. There are not words to describe the sensation of betrayal. A group of people who professed to love and care deeply about me had used me. I had shown them nothing but love, kindness, compassion, and generosity; and in return I was greeting with back stabbing, lies, cruelty, and manipulation. I didn’t deserve it, and I didn’t understand how any person could be capable of treating another that way.

As much as I want to regain my rosy-colored perspective of the world again, I have found it tremendously difficult. The whole situation wreaked havoc on me both emotionally and physically. The thought of ever being in that place again (of feeling completely unstable) still gives me anxiety and nightmares. It literally keeps me up at night. Not every night, but frequently when I’m over tired or run down.

I don’t ever get upset about any of the belongs I lost in my escape from my abuser; however, I am at times resentful that a man came into my life and took my view of the world as a safe place from me. It is the ONLY thing that I miss from before. It wasn’t his to take, and I want it back. I want my sense of security back. I want to stop keeping people at arm’s length to avoid getting burned again. I want to believe that because I am a good person, good things will happen to me.

I am getting there, but it is a process, a LONG process. That is why every time I get into a bad sleep cycle and the negative thinking creeps in I feel like it’s no progress. One thing I have regained for certain,though, is my determination (running has been crucial in rebuilding both my determination and self-esteem), and I am determined to let go of worrying and focus on the positive change I want to be in the world. 🙂 I am also determined to get some sleep tonight!

Goal for tomorrow- short leisurely run with Penny, and maybe some gym time.

“I am woman! I am invincible! I am pooped!”

~Author Unknown

The amazing view on my run today.

Today I continued my quest toward running a full marathon! I figured it would be a good day for a long run because I have not run much this week and will be working the next two days without a lot of other opportunity to get mileage in. Earlier this week I had attempted a light, fast paced run; but my body was not cooperating, and I ended up at the gym instead. I was a little disappointed, but got some solace in the fact that I survived 15-whole-minutes on the stair climber- which I hate more even more than push ups (and that is saying a lot!).

None-the-less, I wanted to make up for my less than par workout and gain some ground. I got up early and straightened up the house a little before setting out. It was still cool and looked like it was shaping up to be a beautiful day. I headed over to the Bridle Trail, a relatively flat, gravel path not far from my house. I had not been there in several months, and thought it would be a nice change in scenery. The trail runs through the woods, so it stays well shaded and keeps the temperature significantly cooler than running on the road. I was actually a little chilly when I started, but quickly warmed up as I settled into my pace. I chose my beat up asics over my vibrams because I don’t like running over gravel (or pavement) in toe shoes.

Not long into my run, I was greeted by another runner with a happily meandering chocolate lab in toe. His companion lagged behind him enough to keep me company for a while before he wandered off again with his owner. I made a mental note to start bringing my lab, Penny, out on more of my short runs. (I used to run with her regularly; however, now that she is getting older, her endurance is not what it used to be. )

I had set the timer on my phone (which I use as an ipod) to alarm after an hour and forty-five minutes figuring I would just turn around and run back. I hoped to be able to cover at least 15 miles in that amount of time. For most of the way out I felt terrific. I soaked in the beautiful views and wondered why anyone would run on the road when they could have a much more peaceful and splendid backdrop. I was so absorbed in my surroundings that it felt like no effort at all, and I started to think that running a marathon would not be that difficult. I frequently joke to Adam that “running on a flat surface is easy. I could run forever it’s flat.”

I was just beginning to believe my jest was true when I brushed my hand across my leg and realized I couldn’t feel it. In fact, I could not feel anything from the small of my back down. I wondered if this was what an epidural felt like. Like any other endurance athlete (and I use that term loosely), I figured that if I ignored it long enough, it would just go away. Besides, I wasn’t having any pain. I tuned it out and kept going, but it didn’t go away. Instead, it got worse. Then my back and legs started to hurt. I looked at the time. I had only been running an hour! This was disheartening. I wondered if my asics were a bad choice. Yet, I kept running because it was not just about the mileage- it was about training my body to keep going when it didn’t want to. I knew I would have to get used to this feeling if I was going to get through over 26 miles.

By the time I was ready to turn around and head back, it was becoming increasingly more difficult to move my legs. I was afraid to stop and walk, convinced that I would not be able to get my body to run again. I began to doubt my ability to complete this task, and kicked myself for adding an additional 15 minutes each way. At times, I was distracted by butterflies and bright yellow birds who seemed to follow me along with curiosity. There were also a wide variety of wild flowers in white, purple, and yellows abutting the tree line. I tried to concentrate on the scenery: a lovely pond, tall fields, small cottages. However, my legs were aching and numb. I didn’t think it was right that they could be both at the same time. I kept plodding and hoping the time would go by quickly.

When I finally reached a stretch of the trail I remembered from early in my run I was elated- only to be crushed again by the long stretch before the next familiar site. I thought it was funny how quickly I went from feeling like I could run forever to feeling like I had been running forever. I dreaded the idea of doing this for over 5 hours and began to question why I ever thought it would be a good idea. Maybe I was capable of running 10 or 15 K thanks to my vibrams, but this was starting to seem insane.

Then, before I knew it, I was back at the 2 mile mark. I remembered how I used to struggle to run from my car to this spot and back when I was first breaking in my toe shoes. Now it seemed like such a small distance! Over and over in my head I chanted “TWO MORE MILES, JUST TWO MORE MILES!!!!” I kept pushing; my body kept trying to quit. I wanted to finish running, not walking. I continued to drag myself until the sites became more familiar; and, finally, I knew I was almost there. I dragged myself all the way back to the car, and a funny thing happened. I didn’t die. I didn’t fall over. I didn’t even throw up! Instead I drove myself home and tried to stretch- until my lap was filled with a very happy lab and bulldog.

it got a little muddy

another view from the trail

You can’t always get want you want…

“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need”

The Rolling Stones

Yesterday I completed the last 15 K of my YES Endurance Race journey. Adam and I had both been sick all week, so I was terrified that I would not be able to finish (although I told Adam I would drag myself across the finish line if I had to). Reducing the mileage was not an option. I wanted to complete the longest distance offered. Anything else would not feel like a challenge. I had been training for weeks, and I didn’t want to sell myself short. Unfortunately, the day before the race my throat was ON FIRE. I had taken decongestants all day to try to relieve the sinus pressure. That night I had nightmares about not being able to compete (and by compete I mean finish, as I have no delusions about my skill level at running).

When I awoke on the morning of race day, I was relieved to find I was feeling a little better. Adam and I both got up early, took our decongestants, and had some hot tea to soothe or throats before heading out. The weather for the race was beautiful, but a bit hot. Luckily the humidity had broke! It was not as crowded as at some of the other venues, but there was still a good turn out. I was one of 7 women who had signed up for the 15 K option. I recognized a few familiar faces, as the race has developed bit of a cult following.

After a few minutes idle chit-chat, all the runners approached the start line, and soon we were off. My body fought me the entire fist 5K, but I continued to force myself to run. However, by the time I hit the steep hills my legs were giving out. I wondered if I could survive 10 K let alone 15! I kept reminding myself that “what goes up must come down” and that this stretch of hills had to end eventually. I knew getting downhill would give my legs a chance to recover, and that (with any luck) the course would get easier. Still, it was one thing to think it and another to force my achy, virus ridden body to do it.

It’s funny something as simple as a cold can really affect your running performance. I was aware that the 15 K would be a struggle for me, having done a few lengthy runs on my own without hills as tough as the YES series offers. Yet, I did not expect for my symptoms to affect my running as much as they did. Frankly, it took almost all the fun out of it. As much as I tried to find my rhythm and enjoy the scenery, my body felt like it was burning up, and I was having trouble breathing. I sincerely wanted to quit- which is actually not unusual for me. It generally happens at about mile 4 when I hit the first “wall”. I had experienced it enough to expect it and to know that I would feel better if I push through it. However, this was not my typical 4 mile wall; this was like hitting the wall for the whole first half of the race.

When I caught up to Adam, I could see that he was as miserable as I was. This initially made me feel a little better; but when I lost him a short distance later where the course split, I became concerned that he was sicker than he looked. I wondered if he had opted for the 10 K path instead of the 15. Then, as I had hoped, the course got slightly easier. The hills were less steep, and I could finally feel my body settling into a rhythm. I was still miserable, exhausted, and my legs felt like lead, but I wanted to finish. I thought about how far I’d come, not just in the current race, but through the series. I had already covered so many miles. I knew that if I wanted to conquer the marathon in Oct. that I was going to have to get used to pushing my body through fatigue and exhaustion. I couldn’t stomach the idea of quitting, no matter how enticing it seemed at the moment. Besides, it was a long walk back to the start and would take significantly longer than just running and getting it over with. Plus, I really wanted that finisher medal!

By the time I hit 10 K, I was pondering whether to take another shot blok or hold out a little longer when my body gave me the answer. Too tired to lift my feet over the rocks, I tripped and fell flat on my face. It took me a minute to get myself up and going again. I so badly wanted to be finished. I was desperately hoping there were no more steep hills ahead, as I was convinced they would be the end of me. I was also terrified that I would lose the trail again, as I had already managed to get off track once and had to double back. However, the further I ran, the more attainable the finished seemed. Then before I knew it, I saw the familiar path back to the start, followed by a cheering crowd. I sailed out the woods to the finish, elated to have found it at last. When I looked I at my time, I didn’t believe it. I was certain I missed a loop to the course. Then the race organizer announced that I had won the female ultra point series (they tally the number of people you beat and multiply it by the number of races- I won mostly owing to the fact that I was the only female to race all 4). I was in disbelief, and then overwhelmed by dread. I didn’t see any of the women that had been ahead of me. I must have missed a loop. I didn’t want to watch the other finishers, afraid I would see them and confirm my fear. I was so terrified of being disqualified. I didn’t even care about the ultra title. I just wanted to be counted as a finisher so I could get the medal I worked for so hard.

They never came. A few people finished after me, but not the ones I’d been following. The last of the group was Adam. He got loud applause, as a rumor had already been spread through the crowd that he was running with the flu. I wondered if someone had seen him throw up on the course to arrive at that conclusion. I knew he had to be sick not to have been way ahead of me. We stayed briefly for the award ceremony, but I never got the medal. I wish I could say this didn’t bother me; but, in truth, I was devastated. Once I got into the car, I cried (I’d like to think this was in large part due to a combination of PMS and exhaustion). I felt cheated. I pushed myself through pain and misery, through four races for a total of 46 kilometers and felt like I had nothing to show for it. Sure, I had the experiences; but I wanted something tangible that I could put in a frame and look at on a bad day to remind myself of what I achieved. Adam tried to reassure me that they would probably send it in the mail. Despite the fact that this made complete logical sense, I didn’t believe him. I thought to myself how silly it was that I would rather have a cheap medal than prize money and free race entry to an exotic race in Ireland. Then I thought about the Rolling Stones lyrics about how “you can’t always get what you want…you get what you need”. I realized that maybe, even though I really wanted a medal, what I needed was the experience of another challenge. I was slightly discouraged at the idea of a 100 K race. However, when I got home and looked it up online, I saw that they have a 50 K option, and that 2 nights lodging and a shuttle from the airport are included in the registration fee. I wondered if this was part of the “free entry”. Perhaps there is a trip to Ireland in my future…

Motivation

“The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.”

Walter Bagehot

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Finisher Medal for the YES Endurance Series

This week is exciting for me because Saturday is the last race in the YES Endurance Series and also my first 10 mile race. I am bubbling with anticipation for a few reasons. 1) If I finish I will earn my very first shiny medal. Not just my first running medal, but my first real athletic medal– a VERY big deal for someone naturally unathletic and pathologically clumsy. As a woman, I am naturally drawn to shiny things, so the promise of some serious bling at the end of the race (pictured above) would be enough to motivate me through 10 miles of tough terrain. 2) I love running on the trails and have not logged much running time this week; so, I am really itching to get out there and go for a run on a completely unfamiliar path. In fact, when I am out running these races, there is honestly nothing I’d rather be doing than taking in the scenery and the amazing energy of the people and course around me. 3) I love being around all the other running fanatics, who run purely for the joy of it. The people who organize this series do a great job at making the event social and fun. It’s like there’s a whole intimate running community associated with the series, and the people who come are from all over the spectrum of training, from super competitive to everyday mom’s and novices trying to get back in shape. Plus, there’s a ton of first timers for each distance (like me in this case!).

Having progressively longer races booked has really helped me stay on track with my training, and I has allowed me to successfully and steadily increase my mileage for several months now. When I find myself slipping, I add a tougher challenge. For example, while I was training for the Diva Half Marathon and recently reached the distance necessary several months ahead of time, I added the goal of the Hartford Marathon (only two weeks after) to keep myself on track. I also have set a goal to do a Super Spartan as part of the Spartan Chicked movement, in addition to the NorCal Tough Mudder.

Another factor that helps me stay motivated is running for charity. I currently am collecting bottles and cans as a fundraiser for the Wounded Warrior Project in conjunction with the Tough Mudder, and also plan on using my future half and full marathon races to raise money for CT-ALIVE (the CT Alliance for Families of Violence and Their Families). This way I not only benefit myself, but also others who truly deserve it as well.

Other tricks that keep me inspired to run 1) Reading other running blogs or Facebook pages (I am hoping soon to add a page of links to my favorites and would love to hear some of yours) 2) Reading inspirational books like “The Perfect Mile” or “Born to Run” 3) Watching a movie about runners such as “Without Limits or Spirit of the Marathon” 4) Buying myself some cool new running gear (especially goofy shirts!) because then I will obviously want to use it. 5) Inviting a friend to go with me. It’s amazing how much longer you’ll run if you’re enjoying good company!

At the core, I would say my true motivation to run comes solely in the ability to do it. The same way a golfer plays round after round to enjoy the sweet victory of a hole in one, I train and run day in and out for the fleeting moments when it feels completely effortless- when my body is in perfect rhythm with the trail and it feels like running is exactly what I was made for. To me, it’s an absolute expression of freedom and the closest I will ever get to flying. Every mile I run is one the doctors insisted I shouldn’t be able to. It brings me a tremendous amount of pleasure and gratitude to be able to run farther than I ever had without pain or limitation other than my own will and determination.

Conquering Inner Demons

We have to learn to be our own best friends because we fall too easily into the trap of being our own worst enemies. ~Roderick Thorp, Rainbow Drive

Made it the whole way, still a happy couple...minus the restless legs 😉

This weekend I headed off on a road trip to Tennessee with my boyfriend, which left me with a lot of time to think… and some seriously restless legs. His plan was for me to drive down with him to provide company (and alleviate some of the mileage) and then fly back in order to make it back to work on Monday. Adam’s parent’s were going to meet us at his sister’s house in order to drop off the family boat so Adam could haul it back home. He had been planning the trip for months and had even specifically picked out his new vehicle with towing the boat in mind. It was a big deal to him, and I wanted to be there to support him- especially when he specifically asked for me to come with him.

That being said, I was absolutely dreading it. I hate long car rides (my definition of a long car ride is anything longer than 45 minutes), driving in general, and even more: the idea of driving someone else’s car, which in this case happened to be twice the size of mine. In fact, if his truck were any larger, I would need a ladder (or perhaps a gentle boost) to get in. Further adding to my apprehension, Adam is incredibly quite at baseline and becomes increasingly silent in the car. The prospect of spending 18+ hrs in a car with a person who doesn’t speak did not exactly appeal to me.

My motivation 1) it was obviously important to him or he wouldn’t have offered to buy a plane ticket back so I could go and still make it back in time for work 2) I hadn’t met his sister or her family and was looking forward to seeing his parents again 3) I already had the time off from work and figured that spending silent time together in a truck for 3 days was better than not seeing him at all.

Knowing how much I was dreading going made me feel extremely guilty; because, in all honesty, I wanted to be enthusiastic. However, the fact that Adam had recently discussed picking up and moving to Philly and buying a house together had sent me reeling. It triggered my anxiety in a big way. In my head, I had started criticizing every aspect of our relationship- resulting in a laundry list of reasons why I wasn’t currently happy. That, in turn, made me feel guilty for not being happy and for (in my mind) making Adam unhappy. At the top of my list was feeling like we lacked communication, followed by feeling unimportant, unappreciated, and finally, that we weren’t on the same team.

Adam will openly admit that he is unsure of how to function in a relationship, and when it comes to me needing help, would prefer assigned tasks. He is more than willing to do whatever needs attending, but I get frustrated at having to ask when it is so blatantly obvious to me when the dishes need to be washed, the laundry needs to be done, or the floors need to be vacuumed. I get even more aggravated over things like the closet door always being left open with the laundry on the floor instead of in the hamper, the clutter of things dropped through out the house, the dresser drawers left open with clothes hanging out, and the dishes that can’t seem to find their way to the sink. It’s the sort of picking-up-after-him on a daily basis that makes me feel most of the things above. Most of all, though, I feel guilty for getting irritated in the first place (even if I don’t act on it or say anything). After all, it is his home too, and I want him to feel welcome.

Furthermore, I also feel guilty that I want someone who is naturally and self-sufficient to open up about things that bother him, let me know when he won’t be home, or tell me what’s going on in his life. I feel guilty that I may be impossible to please, that I respond to feeling injured and shut out by shutting down myself, and that when a kind, genuine man who loves me wants me to move with him to another state rather than be away from me I respond by pushing him away.

And the guilt is not just limited to my relationship. I feel guilty for not being able to do more for my parents, and for getting annoyed at work when I am overwhelmed or feel that I am being dumped on (even when I don’t express my frustration, and even more if I do). I feel guilty for not being a better parent to my dogs, even though they’d be considered spoiled by most standards. I feel guilty whenever I eat something unhealthy (frequently) or miss a day of working out. I felt guilty for thinking negative things about other people, even when they probably deserve it. I feel guilty for not being happier, more even keel, more fun, or self accepting. That’s right, I even criticize myself for being critical of myself- and of others; and three days in a car offers a lot of time to reflect about all of it. (One reason I run is it’s a break from picking myself apart; although, occasionally, on particularly tough days it creeps in there as well. Generally, running gives me a sense of accomplishment and helps clear my head.)

While anticipating a copious amount of further downtime on my journey home, I stepped into the airport bookshop and looked for something inspiring to read. Plane rides are one of the few times I grant myself the luxury of leisure reading, and recently I had enjoyed The Perfect Mile and Born to Run. I was hoping to find another book related to running; instead, I was drawn to a cover titled The Happiness Project and found the author was struggling with many of my own frustrations. It reminded me that feelings of self-criticism and guilt seem to be more common among women than we may be willing to recognize or admit. Perhaps we all could make a better effort to give ourselves and those around us more credit. For example, I am very quick to pick up on anything Adam or I are not doing well, but rarely acknowledge the instances when either of us does something thoughtful or exceptional. Again, running forces me to acknowledge at least some small accomplishments, and it’s something we can both enjoy together.

I always used to be someone who strived to be more happy and grateful. However, going through years of abuse left me at a point where I was just surviving, and barely surviving at times. My journey back to thriving has been exactly that- a journey, complete with detours and setbacks. As you’ve been reading, I still have days or even moments within days when my insecurities get the better of me, and I self sabotage and pick myself apart the way my abuser used to. However, at the end of the day, I can honestly say I am not only working toward becoming more like that person again, but making progress at it. Afterall, even a small step in the right direction is still growth.

In the meantime, I will continue to work on accepting that it’s not only okay, but normal not to be perfect, to question myself and my sanity when life is difficult, to feel overwhelmed at times, and to get irritated occasionally. I will also work on acknowledging that what I lack in other areas, I make up for in sheer determination.

The only difference between those who achieve their dreams and don’t is the unconquerable will to block out their inner critic and go far it without reservation.

As difficult as it was to share this personal information and open myself to criticism, I have a feeling that I am not alone is harboring these self criticisms and insecurities. Please comment and share your own experiences, or if you prefer email me at runningthriver@gmail.com