susan omilian

Life as a Whirlwind

“It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder.

We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.”

-Frederick Douglass

Holy Chaos! It has been a SUPER busy week over here! I thought it was about time to update you on all the exciting things this very busy Chik has been up to! FYI: You may want to grab a snack before you start reading. This is going to be a looong post… but don’t worry, I added lots of pictures to keep you entertained. You’re welcome!

I figured last week would be EPIC given that I ended the previous one with an Ultra, and it started with the Boston Marathon! I also expected it to be busy, but I never could have guessed how much I’d get accomplished.

For starters, I only worked two shifts because I have been ~~working like a slave~~ helping my parents move. My brother and I loaded and unloaded THREE moving trucks of furniture, boxes, tools, and household items. It took a full two days (of working almost 18 hours a day) to get the trucks filled and unloaded. Then another whole day to get the house unpacked enough to be livable… Plus, that’s not even mentioning how many car loads I have brought over and by car I actually mean my Subaru Crosstrek and my husband’s truck. Why yes, I do have other siblings. Um no, they didn’t help. My younger sister is a teenager, so her idea of helping consisted of inviting a friend over and throwing her stuff all over her new room… mostly on the floor. My older sister is contending with my niece who just learned to walk… and by walk I mean run (her daughter takes after me more than her… she is in sooo much trouble…) So it was basically my brother and I with some help from the hubs when he wasn’t working.

That being said, my mom is super thrilled with their new place, and that is all that matters!

So obviously given that I had just done a 50K and spent three days hauling boxes and moving furniture, it seemed like a really good idea to sign up for a half marathon. Okay, it actually seemed like a really bad idea, even to me, but I have run the Cheshire Half it’s first two years. I really love that race! I want to be one of those 80 year old ladies who they announce has run it every year since it started. Besides, I figured if I didn’t run it, I would just be super cranky when all my friends were posting pictures about what a great day they had. So really, I did it for the hubs so he wouldn’t have a crabby wife. I’m selfless like that.

I went into the race not really expecting much of myself. I knew I had logged some serious mileage at the Ultra and my IT bands were still wound up tight. Plus, it was super windy, so I expected that to really slow me down. Much to my pleasure, I found my friend Lu, who had also ducked inside to escape the cold, before the start. We both considered this a stroke of luck given the number of runners and took it as a positive sign for the day. We chatted a bit, mostly about running- big surprise there! He said his goal was a sub 1:50, and I told him I would be happy to break 2 hours. We both agreed that given the conditions, we didn’t have high expectations. Like me, though, Lu loves the Cheshire Half and didn’t want to miss it. Also like me, Lu runs for the joy of running. He’s not out there to compete with anyone but himself. He is really just a kind soul and a joy to be around.

Not long after running into each other, we found the rest of the boot camp crew. Seeing all of them made me seriously consider rejoining! They are such a great bunch of people. They were also super excited about the Half, and many of them were doing it for the first time. I felt very blessed to have found all my friends before the race! It was a definite boost because they are all so positive and inspiring.

In another stroke of luck, the sun came out and warmed us up a little at the start. The weather actually turned out to be PERFECT. It was overcast, cool, and there was a nice breeze instead of the strong winds when we arrived. Lu and I began together after losing the rest of the group walking to the start, and he left me in the dust in no time! My first few miles were a little rocky. I mentally prepared myself for a grueling 2 hours. However, after the first 5K I started settling in and felt okay. By mile 6, I was even feeling strong! Strangely, the longer the race went on, the better I felt.

The course, for the most part, is a flat one; and most of it runs through a tree lined bike path (part of the reason I like it, I am all about the trees). For the first several miles of the race I had to fight the urge to push myself harder as everyone passed me. Instead, I spent the entire race focusing on my form and zoning out with my ipod. The hubs had picked and loaded all the music for my first Ultra, so it made me smile to listen to his selections. He even put our wedding song on it! Who knew he could be so romantic?

Conserving my energy paid off because the few hills on the course came up between miles 8 and 10. All those people who passed me on the flats started to drop behind me when we hit them. My legs were tired, but they still felt good. I figured my pace was steady because the miles were still going by quickly, and I was passing people instead of getting passed. I also knew where the worst hill on the course was, and once I was over it I told myself I was in the home stretch. I was excited because I knew I would have a strong finish. I had also been running at a good pace the whole way and felt so good that I thought I might PR.

I hadn’t looked at my watch once. I didn’t want to psych myself out or get over confident. Instead I wanted to focus on running at a comfortable pace. I didn’t want to push my body to the point of feeling sick. I also didn’t want to push too hard after having just done an ultra. Mostly, I was just in awe of how strong I felt after what I had put my body through last weekend. I silently thanked my body and reveled in how far it exceeded my wildest expectations.

I ran those last few miles hard because I knew I could. I felt great! Yes I was tired, but I also knew deep down that this was the best I had ever done running a Half Marathon. I wasn’t sick or hurting or hating life. I enjoyed almost the entire thing! When I hit mile 12, the clock read 1:45!!! My first thought was that if I was at this time at mile 12, then Lu must be finished. He absolutely must have met his goal! I did a little happy dance for him in my head. Then I realized “HOLY $HIT! I AM GOING TO PR!” I knew there was a possibility that the clock was wrong, but I just felt too good for that to be the case.

Despite the fact that it was still cold out, I stripped off my long sleeve shirt, so I could sport my Team Tough Chik jersey that last mile. I wanted to represent my fellow Toughies out there! They are all so inspiring, and I am beyond proud (and BLESSED!) to be one of them. I wanted to have that shirt visible when I crossed the line. It was a magical moment. I almost cried. The clock read 1:55. It was the fastest Half Marathon I have ever run, and I did it one week after running an Ultra (and two weeks after my first #1 in my age group). Holy-Freaking-Epic! I still can’t believe it!

The funny thing is, my last PR for a half was at the Hartford Half Marathon 2 weeks after my DNF at the Ultra Beast. Apparently Ultras agree with me. Perhaps I should do one before every half…

Oh and as if that were not enough #EPIC news, I also got this email:

That’s right! I am now an official Sweat Pink Ambassador!!!! Take that Fitfuential! At least someone appreciates my awesomeness. Just wait until I’m famous and the AWESOME-train has left the station without you. lol

But wait! There’s more! I also had a CT-ALIVE board meeting, and our program director Susan Omilian (the woman who changed my life after the abuse) has asked me whether I would be willing to become co-vice president of the board. Pretty exciting stuff! Either she appreciates all my enthusiasm, or she has not actually read this blog and doesn’t realize what a raving lunatic I am.

Anyway, I was telling her about my mad graphic designing skillz (that is an intentional typo btw, because I’m all ghetto with my mad skillzzzz) now that I have discovered picmonkey.com. She was so impressed that she gave me my first job as a graphic designer… minus the getting paid and it actually being a job part. Actually, I’m just doing her a favor and making uber cool graphics with some of her quotes. I already sent her a bunch, and she was pretty pleased. I consider this high praise because Susan is an even bigger perfectionist than I am. Here is one of my favorites:

If you are interested at all in the concept of thriving, you should totally check out her website. I cannot say enough about how wonderful and helpful her workshops were! Plus, if you don’t live in the area, she has a Thriver Workbook that you can do on your own at home. I know it sounds a little cheesy to do a self help workbook as an adult, but I have bought one for my mom, and she loves it. In fact, I have actually bought a few for other women as well, because I really believe not only in her book, but in empowering other women to live happy, fulfilling lives.

That is all for now my lovelies! I hope you are all off to a great week! What did you all accomplish this weekend? I would love to hear about it!

Still Reeling

“You are never given a wish without also being given the power to make it come true.

You may have to work for it, however.”

Richard David Bach

I am still in disbelief . I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that I ran 8 minute miles for over 7 miles and finished my first half marathon in just over 2 hours! I have a hard time believing my body did that– and yet I was there doing it. It’s a very surreal feeling even 3 days later.

Truthfully, I had no idea what kind of pace I would be capable of because all my training runs were with a weighted pack, on trails, and usually pretty hilly. My fastest run on pavement had been 10 miles in 2 hours, but this was a whole 5 K more in almost the same time!

For anyone convincing yourself that you are not capable of running, I’d invite you to take a look back at my first post; and then come back to read this. I am not an athlete. I’m not a naturally gifted runner. I am clumsy, awkward, and uncoordinated- but I ran 13.1 miles in 2:06! If I can do it, I guarantee you that anyone can.

What I did– and do– have in my favor is that I am willing to work hard. I will push myself as far as needed to reach a goal (and frequently probably a little farther than needed…) It is such an AMAZING feeling when that hard work finally pays off! I started training in the spring, and many months later I am seeing my dreams come to fruition. It’s more than I expected.

What’s more, it’s not just the running. It’s the work I’ve been putting into this blog, advocating for domestic violence, and creating a more fulfilling life for myself. When I started this blog, I didn’t have a clear idea of where it would take me. Now, I have a clear purpose for writing and running. It’s not about healing myself anymore- it’s about healing other women and victims of abuse. As passionate as I am about running- and as much as I love it- I am MORE PASSIONATE about this cause. That is why I am willing to put myself out there. I have a potential interview with a local newspaper this week to talk about the Running for the Color Purple Campaign, and with Susan Omilian’s help, there may be more publicity to follow. Normally, I would shy away from drawing any kind of attention to myself, but it’s really not about me anymore. My story is no different from any other women who has been through abuse. If I am truly committed to raising awareness, funds, and fight the stigma associated with abuse, then I need to be willing to do whatever I can to make it happen. I am a woman on a mission. I believe one person can make a difference, and I am doing my best to do just that!

Coming Out and New Arrivals (runningthriver.wordpress.com)
Crushing Goals (runningthriver.wordpress.com)
Preparation (runningthriver.wordpress.com)

Revelations

“Happiness is a form of courage.”

~Holbrook Jackson

"The Happy Person Inside"

As a ~~survivor of abuse~~ thriver, I have often tried to get in touch with “the happy person inside” me who was untouched by trauma. It started with the My Avenging Angel Workshops when we had various exercises to draw this happy person out. We did writing prompts and compiled letters to ourselves in the frame of that happier, unscarred person. At the time, it felt so strange to write to myself in such a loving and accepting manner. It was hard to love myself. It was hard to stand myself. I knew I was capable of being happier, more centered, and generally, more functional- I just didn’t know how to get there.

When I pictured my happy inner self, I would envision the photo above. I was so fearless as a child. I was vibrant. My mother always told me she needed to hold me back growing up because I was ready to take on the world. I lost that girl somewhere…

What I found instead was PTSD: anxiety, nightmares, hyper-vigilance, low self-esteem, and above all a NEGATIVE OUTLOOK on life. I hated feeling so negative, but it followed me everywhere. It stalked me. It was on my back. It kept me up at night. Every time I thought I eluded it, I’d find it creeping up somewhere. I couldn’t escape it. I didn’t know how to stop it. It was a terrible feedback loop. The more negative I felt, the more I hated myself for it, which only made me feel more negative about the whole situation. I was stuck in a cycle of beating myself up- overly concerned with how other people were perceiving and judging me. I was withdrawn. I didn’t want to spread my negativity, so I shut people out. I was trapped.

In retrospect, I think my negativity served a purpose. It was my armor. It kept people at arm’s length where they couldn’t hurt me. Being betrayed by people in my life who I had loved deeply and trusted had completely reframed my perception of the world. If they could hurt me, imagine what other people might do. I couldn’t handle any more hurt. I couldn’t handle anything, period. However, it way over-lasted it’s usefulness. It kept me from myself. I was surviving- just going through the motions of existing, exhausted at the thought of another day.

Today I realized a remarkable thing. I am no longer working toward getting in touch with the happy person inside. I AM that happy person. What a REVELATION to finally have arrived at the point I’ve been struggling to ge to for so long, and it took me until today to finally realize it. I don’t know how or when it happened, but I am here. I have made it through the muck and finally emerged on the other side as a smarter, stronger, and more self aware person. I have taken control of my life back. I feel so light, so refreshed, so OPTIMISTIC. I have so many great things going for me — volunteering with CT-ALIVE, the Archangels, my blog (thank you everyone for the kind words and positive feedback), my running, fundraising… I could go on and on.

I have no room for negativity in my life anymore. It’s not in my nature. I only have space for positive thoughts, so the negativity and I are breaking up for good. I am ending our two year relationship and not looking back. I’m not entertaining anymore negative thoughts. I’m not letting it crawl into bed with me anymore when I’m feeling tired and vulnerable. I’m not giving in to the temptation to blame my trouble on others.

The one person in life I have power to change is myself, and that is exactly what I am doing. I am reevaluating and renewing the relationships in my life with a more positive outlook. As a final act of closure, I left cards for my coworkers to thank them for all their support on my journey and to apologize for being distant and not myself for so long. I wanted to make a commitment to them and myself to work on more positive relationships with them- the kind that involve actually opening up and showing myself. Plus, I really wanted to acknowledge all the support I had received from each of them. I feel like now that it is all in writing- it’s official. I have let go of any negativity still lingering in the past and stepped forward into a brighter future. Who knows where this road will take me, but one thing is for sure- there are good things in store!

I spent so long not knowing what to do with all that negativity. I couldn’t find a way to stuff it down or shove it out of my life. Today I finally found the solution- I faced it head on and threw it out the window. 🙂

Once again, thank you for reading! Comments and feedback are always welcome and appreciated. Questions can be directed to runningthriver@gmail.com.

Reflections

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:

Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”

-Jane Howard

(Quote on my Archangels workshop folder)

“Day 3 of the Thriver Retreat and I am drained. I had nightmares overnight and didn’t get much sleep. I am still missing my natural rhythm of running in the morning and have had difficulty shaking off lingering negativity. I should have run this morning , but it’s too late to beat myself up over it. I do anyway. I feel guilty for not being more upbeat. I don’t want to drag down the rest of the group. I need to stop doing this. I need to allow myself to feel off at times. ”

Above is my journal entry from this morning.

I spent this weekend at an Archangel Thriver Retreat at the Guest House in lovely Chester, CT. It was both an energizing and exhausting experience. That is part of the reason my blog posts have been delayed and are now coming in a flood.

Naturally being an introvert, I find spending time in groups extremely tiring. I can’t even handle long periods with my own family without getting worn out. I need alone time to recharge. Don’t get me wrong. I truly enjoy other people’s company. I want to feel connected like every other person, but this was a little too much of a good thing. By the end of Day 2 I was over-extended and overwhelmed.

The lack of sleep that night only added to my fatigue. By the morning of Day 3 I felt like I had nothing left to give. I was drained. Breakfast was a bit a of a solemn affair. I could see the exhaustion I was feeling written on the faces of some of the other women. This made me feel a little better, a reminder that sometimes being off is normal and not a lingering remnant of abuse. We looked like we had been to battle- in many ways we had. The retreat had pushed each of us outside our comfort zone and forced us to confront our inner critics. Survivors of abuse have particularly loud inner critics (many times taking on the voices and comments of the past abusers). It’s a constant struggle to keep them quiet. It was clear the fight had worn on many of us.

The morning began by “opening the circle”, a chance for the group to meditate, offer prayer, share energy, and our thoughts of what we were grateful for. There were many apologies mixed in. Apparently many more people were experiencing low energy than I had realized. I was clearly not alone. Even Susan was not herself. Sharing this knowledge helped us try to shake off the negativity and embrace the day. Our theme of the retreat was “Fireworks”, inspired by Katie Perry’s hit song. It was the first time I had actually read the lyrics. They seemed so appropriate.

We let our colors burst by writing letters to ourselves from 6 months in the future. We were supposed to envision all we’d have accomplished by then. It was so wonderful to hear everyone’s positive vision of the next 6 months! I was the last to read mine to the group. I started strong but started to tear up (as usual). I congratulated myself on finishing my first half and full marathon despite doubting that I could do it, for fundraising for charity, for having a successful blog that was reaching and inspiring other women and spreading the word about domestic abuse, for using my desire to help and heal others to overcome insecurities and my inner critic, for accepting myself and others, for no longer keeping people at arms length, for letting go of the lingering notion that I “make everyone around [me] miserable” (something that still haunts me from my abuse), and for finding volunteer work that was meaningful to me. It was a tall order, but I’ve always been one to aim high.

I also gave myself the task of organizing a road race as a fundraiser for CT-ALIVE. It will be my first attempt at organizing any event, period. I don’t know anything about how to host a road race, but I will very shortly! It gave me a pit in my stomach on the ride home, and then I reminded myself that 1) I won’t be doing it alone, 2) even if I fail or it doesn’t work these women will support me and encourage me to keep trying, and 3) it will be COMPLETELY AMAZING if we actually pull it off! After all, my goal is to help other victims and speak out, and this will be a terrific opportunity to not only spread the word about domestic abuse, but also about THRIVING.

As worn and exhausted as I returned home today, I was equally inspired! I LOVE these women. I have never experienced such unconditional support and understanding from a group, many of whom are practically strangers. It is such a profoundly incredible feeling to belong to such an empowered and optimistic network of women.

Here is another terrific music video that one of the beautiful ladies at the retreat shared: “I Love Me Better Than That” by Shirley Murdock

What is a Thriver?

“Sisterhood is many things. It’s a warm smile on a cold and rainy day, a friendly hug, a cheerful hello… It’s all that a good and lasting friendship is, only better. It’s treasured. It’s sacred. It’s knowing that there will always be someone there for you. It’s dreams shared, and goals achieved. It’s counting on others and being counted on. It is real.”

This post dedicated to all my Archangel Sisters. I love each and every one of you!

This morning I was charged with the task of defining what “thriver” means to me. I compiled a list of the first words that came to mind: self knowing, embracing life, living to the fullest, empowered, open, secure, unbroken, girl power, liberated, and vibrant. It was a good start. However, truly grasping the essence of thriving is not something that can be broken down and explained on paper. It’s something that needs to be felt.

The most wonderful thing happens when you attend the My Avenging Angel Workshops and follow-up sessions. You become part of a sisterhood: a loving, accepting, flaw embracing community of women committed to improving not only their own lives, but also the lives of others. That is where the thriver energy emanates. It comes from each and every woman.

The Angels are a diverse group- coming in every shape, size, age, color, and religion- a reminder that domestic violence does not discriminate. Yet, we do not dwell on our past. Instead, we celebrate the beauty of our differences and bond over a common experience. Surprisingly, it’s not the trauma or past suffering that brings us together. It is the desire to bring about change- in ourselves and in the world that binds us. Together, we see a future filled with limitless possibilities. In each of us there is hope, faith, and the courage to embark on a journey to a more fruitful and fulfilling life. We give each other strength. Our ties cross town and state lines across this country. We are feminism at its best- an abuser’s worst nightmare! Are motto: “Living well is the best revenge”.

Being a thriver is more than becoming a self-aware, self-loving individual. It is about belonging and becoming part of a community. The community is necessary to impact other lives. It’s the sense of sisterhood that helps to empower us. I could not imagine what a difficult journey it would be, or it even being possible to thrive without a strong support network. No one individual is self-sufficient enough not to need a shoulder to cry or lean on during hard times. A house is only as good as the foundation it is built upon, and the individual is no different. You are only as solid as your base. In this respect I have been very lucky (not only to have the Angels, but also the unconditional love of my amazing family, friends, and boyfriend who always back me 100% – equally in success and failure).

I am so grateful to belong to such an awe-inspiring group of women. Each is a blessing in a my life, a window to the possibilities of how the future could be. I am fortunate to not only have such a tremendous family (both by blood and bond), but to be part of one. Knowing that I play a role helping and healing others is more healing and empowering than anything I could achieve on my own.

If you reside in or near Connecticut and are interested in moving beyond survivor to thriver please visit Susan Omilian’s website for more information on the FREE My Avenging Angels Workshops. You can also email me at runningthriver@gmail.com.

If you do not live near Connecticut and are still interested in joining the Thriver community, check out the Thriver Workbook. In it you will find many of the exercises Susan uses in her workshops. You can also check out The Thriverzone.

As always, thank you for reading! Please feel free to share any of the information here if you know someone who can benefit from it (just give credit back to the site please 🙂 ) Comments and feedback are always welcome and appreciated. Good luck in your Thriver Journey!!!

First day on new legs…

“Man imposes his own limitations, don’t set any”

-Anthony Bailey

I have finally begun my (not so triumphant) return to trail running!

I may have been pushing it, but the combination of rest due to nagging IT band syndrome and my subsequent viral invasion had left me home bound and stir crazy. At the first sign of being able to stand upright and marginally breathe through my nose I was out the door. I needed to run.

I brought Penny along to ensure I took it easy and give her some much needed exercise and attention. We did an easy couple miles with a few good hills. Penny disappeared frequently into the nearby streams before finally rolling in a particularly large, muddy puddle. She instantly turned from yellow lab to chocolate. She was delighted with herself. I couldn’t help but laugh. It’s a good thing I’ve gotten past keeping my car meticulously clean!

The trails were particularly wet and buggy from all the rain earlier in the week. There was evidence of recent flooding with fine silt covering the leaves of the low lying shrubs. The pavement and large concrete blocks had been upheaved and oddly twisted out of place. There were branches and leaves scattered that had fallen prematurely, likely from some violent wind storm. The whole scene had changed dramatically from my previous run there just a few weeks earlier, a reminder that nature is always changing and evolving. The bugs, however, were the same- a reliable drawback of trail running. They swarm so closely that I have frequently inhaled and swallowed them accidentally. I wonder if it is still bad karma to kill bugs even if it isn’t on purpose…

Overall, my trail performance was not stellar. However, I made it out and I enjoyed it. More importantly, I didn’t aggravate my IT bands- a promising sign. 🙂

Be the Change you want to See…

“Be the change that you want to see in the
world.”
Mohandas Gandhi

Reclaiming my life after abuse has been both the most difficult and rewarding experience of my life. Last night I took a huge step toward becoming the positive change I want to see in the world. I was officially voted onto the board for CT-ALIVE, and even graduating with a degree from Yale does not compare in the sense of accomplishment. I have come such a long way on this journey!

From the time I first left my abusive relationship, I have wanted to get involved and give back to other women. Participating in Susan Omilian’s “My Avenging Angels Workshops” has only served to intensify this desire. The women in her follow up group are all amazing, strong, and beautiful people (both inside and out). They have so much to offer, and I wanted to be like them. So many of them had gone on to obtain degrees in social work and counseling in order to help other victims. Several work in healing and advocating for victims of violence. There is an amazing energy in the room whenever they are together. It’s palpable.

It was at one of the follow sessions that I got the idea to use my passion for running to help raise money and awareness for victims of violence. I told Susan how I could use the races I was running to raise money for her scholarship fund and sent an email to CT-ALIVE to ask for their blessing (without realizing that I already knew many of the members of the board). Susan replied back on both accounts with great enthusiasm and even extended an invitation to join the board. I was honored. Then she asked me for my résumé, and my heart sank a little. I had never volunteered on a board, or even for any organization focused on domestic abuse. My entire resume had to do with medical work. I sent it to her and attached the following cover letter:

Dear Members of the Board:

My name is Jenny W; and as you can see from my résumé, I am currently employed as a physician assistant in general surgery.

I have never functioned as part of a board, and have limited experience working with victims of violence. However, I do have experience at being a victim of violence and speaking out against it. I have always been a compassionate person, but surviving abuse and living with the daily struggles of PTSD has given me the ability to empathize with other victims. It is important to me to let them know they are not alone and there is no reason to be ashamed.

I have recently started a blog titled “The Running Thriver” to raise awareness about domestic violence and provide resources and hope to other victims. I am also planning to use my passion for running to raise money and awareness for victims of domestic abuse.

What I lack in experience I can more than make up for in sheer drive, determination, passion, and enthusiasm. As someone with the strength and resources to speak out and advocate for others, I feel it is my duty to do so to the best of my ability. Violence and abuse destroy lives. I want to be a force in this world against them.

Sincerely,

Jenny W. PA-C, MMs

As I typed the letter, I had a slight sense of dread that I would show up at the board meeting and not be voted in. I was unsure of how they would react to my lack of experience. I didn’t know what to expect. I should have know better.

Stepping into the meeting was like walking into a bubble of positive energy. In addition to the many delicious snacks, the room was filled with enthusiasm and ideas. They were eager to hear what I had to say, which I found very humbling. It was like being in a room full of giants. They have all accomplished such great things, and here I was just starting out. (Check out my Blog Roll for further info on their individual projects) However, everyone was extremely gracious and made me feel completely welcome as part of their group. I felt like I was part of a terrific think tank with a single mission to reach victims of domestic violence and improve their lives. It was completing energizing, a feeling that I typically only associate with working out.

As horrible a situation as going through the abuse was, it would be difficult for me to say that no good has come from it. After all, it’s given me a tremendous opportunity to meet some incredibly amazing women and find volunteer work that I am truly passionate about. I also have a new found appreciation for exactly how much inner strength I possess. People who are never challenged in life miss out on ever realizing their full potential. I, on-the-other-hand, have had the privilege of finding out exactly what I am made of; and that is something I don’t regret at all. It has made me a stronger, more self-aware person, and (among other things) a better runner.

I would encourage everyone to visit the new and improved website for CT-ALIVE and read more about the work they do. They are making a terrific impact on women’s lives and provide their services free of charge. Please consider donating to help support their ongoing work. If you know anyone who you think may benefit from reading this blog, feel free to share. Also if you have any questions or comments you can either leave them here or email me at runningthriver@gmail.com.

Another night, another nightmare

“Life is not about how fast you run or how high you climb but how well you bounce.”

~Vivian Komori

Last night I dreamt I was in my ex-husband’s house. Even though we were no longer together, I was visiting for some reason. He had a bunch of company in the living room. including some of his brothers. I was tired from having worked late and excused myself to go to bed. When I left, the rest of his guests decided it was getting late and left to go home. Enraged by the notion that I caused all his friends and family to leave early, my ex came after me upstairs and attacked me. He wrapped his hands around my neck and squeezed for all he was worth. I could feel myself being suffocated, gasping for air with no relief. Then out of no where, Adam (my boyfriend) came in and stopped him. I can’t remember much of what happened after that because I woke up.

That is just one example of the many nightmares that have kept me up at night over the past two weeks. They typically come in cycles, but this one has been particularly long. They don’t always feature my ex, and they are nowhere near as bad as the night terrors I had while I was with him. However, they are bad enough to wake me up all night and leave me exhausted during the day. On the bright side, this was the first nightmare I ever had someone come rescue me in, so maybe I’m making some progress.

Sometimes I wish I had a system reset button I could hit when this stuff happens, but instead I’ve come up with other methods (through trial and error) of dealing with it. The hardest one if trying not to focus on or stress about the sleep deprivation because the more I fixate on it, then worse it seems to get. Another trick I use is completely wearing myself out. If I go through a particularly tough workout, many times that’s enough to work out the excess anxious energy. Plus, it’s usually a great self-esteem boost! I also try not to eat, watch TV, or use the computer right before bed (typical sleep hygiene stuff). However, recently none of this has been particularly effective.

One thing that has changed dramatically over the past year is how much better I can deal with this situation now. I can acknowledge that it sucks, but it doesn’t send me spiraling backward with frustration and despair like it used to. I can reassure myself that it will be temporary, and I only need to work “X” more days until I have another one off to attempt to catch up on sleep. I am also more aware of my negative thinking, and the fact that it is just that. It doesn’t make me a negative person, it’s just a sign that I’m fatigued or processing more than usual. I am finally getting the point where I can cut myself some slack, and that is a MONUMENTAL step for me.

So, although I am currently being plagued by nightmares and had an absolutely terrible day of being run into the ground at work, I give this day an A+. My reasoning: it sucked...A LOT, but I made it through and held it together. I didn’t get down on myself, cry, or allow myself to become completely overwhelmed. Six months ago this day would have broke me, but today I made it through exhausted and smiling.

In other related news, I managed to drag Adam with me to the gym yesterday and conquered another 15 minutes on the stair master- and we did push ups (and by “we” I mean I and he critiqued)… It was terrible and wonderful all at the same time. 🙂

Cannoli Pie…Breakfast of Champions

“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.”

William Barclay

My newest inspirational running shirt 🙂

I have putting off my weekly long run for the past two weeks, so this morning I knew it was time to bite the bullet , get my butt in gear, and up my mileage. The recent heat wave has taken a toll on my motivation to work out, especially with the sporadic use of air conditioning at my local gym. With the plan of a three-day road trip to Tennessee looming, it was now or never; and putting it off would only make for an incredibly stir crazy car ride.

I’m the type of person who goes through what could best be described as withdrawal symptoms when I don’t get in a good work out too many days in a row. For this reason, I was dreading the idea of being cooped up in a car for days on end with little opportunity to even get out and stretch. I was hoping that a long run would” get the wiggles out” and make the drive more bearable.

Initially, I wanted to get in 10 miles, which is the furthest mileage I’ve achieved to date. However, given the involuntary three-day hiatus ahead of me, I figured “what the hell, may as well push it to the and try for 12 or more.” With no functional GPS device at hand, I decided I would try to run at least two and a half hours and hope it was more than 10 miles. I woke up with the determination necessary to accomplish the task, but, admittedly, significantly less enthusiasm. As much as I LOVE running, I have to confess that the idea of doing it for anything more than an hour feels a lot like work and more than two hours brings on an all out sensation of dread. In order to prepare myself for the long, arduous task ahead I opened the fridge and scoured for something that would not induce vomiting in the sweltering heat.

I have tried countless pre-running meals from cereal to yogurt, to protein shakes, to fruit, and even salad. Generally. I find the result the same. Within 30 minutes of starting a run, my stomach is growling and my focus goes to mush. That is unless I am running with my boyfriend, Adam, in which case, I’m already starving by the time we set out due to the additional amount of time required for him to get ready. (He runs on California time…I could afford to be more like him) So all that being said, I reached for the cannoli pie. Yes, cannoli pie…breakfast of champions! I rationalized it as follows: it was loaded with calories, and there were carbs, dairy, and even chocolate. How could it be a bad choice? Besides didn’t I deserve it for all the hard work and torture I was about to embark on? I mean I practically already earned it, right? I had a piece with a glass of water and headed out the door.

I ran to my favorite park and stuck mainly on the trails. Surprisingly, the cannoli cake stayed down. In fact, I felt pretty good, and remarkably made it through over two and half hours of running without so much as a rumble in my stomach. I think I may have found my pre-long distance run meal (just kidding…sort of) I was also pretty pleased to find all my training was paying off as, even in the heat, the run felt significantly easier than my previous 10 mile run. So, I am now halfway to my goal of running a marathon, and I owe it to the cannoli pie.

When I got back home I had salad and humus for lunch, partly out of guilt for my indulgent breakfast. Then a few hours later when my stomach was growling again, I went back and had another piece of cannoli pie and savored every bite.

It all started with a pair of shoes…

Marylin Monroe once said “give a woman the right pair of shoes and she can conquer the world”.

My "ugly" shoes have grown on me. Now they are always close by. 🙂

My boyfriend had been on my case for several weeks that I needed to switch over to vibram running shoes. I wasn’t paying him much attention. I knew my limitations. From the time I started high school, I had a multitude of orthopedists explain to me exactly why I wasn’t built to run and shouldn’t do it. They told me that my bone alignment was wrong, my arches were flat, my IT bands were too tight, I needed orthotics and knee replacements. One particularly delightful fellow (and by delightful I mean arrogant and dismissive) even explained that women, in general, are not built for running. He thought I should not only stop, but also avoid stairs and knee bends greater than 30 degrees. I have patellar subluxation (a fancy way of saying my kneecaps pop out-of-place when I move), so running for me was always associated with pain. However, the thought of not running was pretty much on par with not breathing in my mind. I tried physical therapy, ice, the whirlpool, medication, tape, stabilizing shoes, and cross training before, I ultimately learned to tune it out and run through it. However, I was still limited in my mileage.

All that being said, how could a 6’2″ naturally athletic marathon runner possibly think that eliminating the support in a shoe would help me- the orthopedic disaster? It sounded insane, but I had nothing to lose. He was so confident that I would love them, that he even bought me my first pair. I teased him at the time that he was just afraid of looking ridiculous by himself. Nonetheless, I was now the owner of an ugly pair of toe shoes with a date set to test them out.

The day we planned our inaugural run I had done a particularly hard work out at the gym and didn’t expect much. We headed to a flat, gravel trail and started jogging at a slow place. We were two miles into our run before I felt any pain in my knees, which was remarkable for me. By three miles, my calves and ankle muscles were SCREAMING. I was hurting in places I had never hurt before. We did another mile and called it a day. The following day at work I passed out. Yup, out cold- like dreaming and then rudely awakened to a room full of people staring… Maybe I overdid it a little. My calves were like jello for days, making walking difficult and stairs near impossible. It was amazing none the less. I had accomplished something I wasn’t supposed to do in shoes with absolutely no support.

Overcoming the physical barriers was only part of the sense of triumph. As a survivor of domestic abuse, I had suffered from crippling anxiety and nightmares for well over a year. Just waking up in the morning was enough to provoke a sense of the world closing in around me . I was miserable, exhausted, and completely drained both physically and emotionally. I never reached the point where I wanted to die, but I certainly wanted to disappear on multiple occasions when facing another day seemed like too tremendous an effort to stomach. I saw counselors, therapists, and even a psychiatrist who all reassured me that I was experiencing a “completely normal reaction to a traumatic experience”. It certainly didn’t feel normal, or even remotely acceptable. I was prescribed medications to help me sleep; but the first one made me completely sedated and irritable. The second one caused me to outright hallucinate (which made nightmares seem not so bad in comparison). By the time an antipsychotic called seroquel was suggested I threw in the towel and fired the shrink.

That was when I found Susan Omilian (creator of the My Avenging Angel Workshops) and decided to attend one of her 2 part sessions. I desperately wanted to feel “normal” again and move on with my life. I knew there was a happier and more carefree person inside, but didn’t know how to let her out. Like she has with so many other women, Susan allowed me to get in touch with the part of myself that wasn’t “damaged”. She helped me rediscover what I am passionate about and establish short and long-term goals for myself. She and the other women in the group also made me realize that I was not alone, and it was the first time since my world turned upside down that someone told me I was going to be okay and I actually believed it.

So in a sense, that 4 miles was more meaningful to me than any other distance I had ever achieved. I was redefining myself and my limits, and I didn’t stop. I registered for my first 10 K with my boyfriend. It was last-minute and a distance I hadn’t run or even been able to run in years. However, it happened to be a trail race at one of my favorite cross-country venues from high school; and I (in a viewing myself as the center of the universe sort of way) took at as a positive sign. During the run, I was convinced that if I did manage to finish it would be well behind everyone else; yet, that was not the case at all. I not only finished, but also managed to finish ahead of one other runner. It was a slow pace, but I was moving and moving pain free at that. Plus, it was a great experience to realize that most of the people I was running with were struggling as much as I was. Luckily, that race was part of a 4 race series and I was hooked. I did the second and third 10K and then decided it was time to set my sights on something higher. The final race offered a 15K option, so I signed up and kicked up my training. Then I registered for a Tough Mudder in NorCal with my boyfriend and the Diva Half marathon in Long Island. I was excited at the opportunity to combine two things I loved: running and helping other people. I started a bottle and can drive to raise money for the Wounded Warrior Project, then I approached Susan Omilian about using the Diva Half Marathon as a way to raise money and awareness for other victims of domestic violence.

Currently my plan to use all my future half and full marathons to raise money for CT-ALIVE (the CT Alliance for Victims of Violence and the Families). I would encourage other runners to find a cause to run for as well. It is a great way to give back and an opportunity to make the whole experience richer.

So, that pretty much brings us up to present date! If you hadn’t figured it out yet, my purpose for this blog is to encourage other people, especially women, to get out there and do whatever it is that makes you feel alive. I love running because I feel like it’s the only time I get to be alone and selfish and not feel guilty for it. It’s my quiet time. Plus, it’s hard to waste energy being anxious when you are using every ounce to push up a tough hill.

I think many people discount themselves thinking they can’t run, and that women specifically short change themselves instead of realizing what tremendous inner strength they possess. Distance running is a women’s sport- especially ultra running- because women are built to endure better than men. They are the glue that holds their families together. They deliver babies. Running a few miles is no big deal compared to that!

That is why I am here to tell you to get out and run because if I can do it, you can too!