I Did It

“If you don’t go after what you want, you’ll never have it.

If you don’t ask, the answer is always no.

If you don’t step forward, you’re always in the same place.”
― Nora Roberts

Folks, I did it. I finally took the plunge and applied for a new job. Correction, I applied for several new jobs.

It’s sort of amusing when you stop and think that it took me almost six, yes SIX years to realize my relationship with my ex was abusive. Now here I am almost six (must be my lucky number…) years into my relationship with my current employer fully acknowledging that this relationship is also abusive. In reality, I have know for a long time that my work environment is toxic. However, I approached it with the same blind optimism I applied to my failed marriage. I thought if I sucked it up and stuck with it that it would get better. I thought I could help fix it. I didn’t want to give up and admit defeat.

Again, my thinking was backwards.

It’s not me, it’s them. I can’t fix it because it’s not my problem to fix.

The sad part is that it took my health deteriorating (again) for me to realize that this relationship is indeed as unhealthy and abusive as my previous marriage. I have spent more days not feeling well than not in the past six months (since being “promoted”). I STILL have a cough and sinus infection that I just can’t shake- a full month after getting sick for the Timberman and after a full course of antibiotics. Actually, I am pretty sure what I had was pneumonia, which is probably why it’s taking so long to recover. Regardless, this is a COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE way to live.

I am tired of feeling sick and rundown 100% of the time. My eye twitches even on days I’m not at work. I have nightmares about having to go to work. I have no reserves left. There is nothing left to give. I told my supervisor I was looking for other work.

WHY DOES SHE STAY?

There has been so much conversation in the media recently about “Why does she stay?” thanks to the Ray Rice incident. Those of us who have experienced abuse know there a host a good and valid reasons not the least of which is SAFETY ***women who leave their abusers are 70 TIMES more likely to be murdered in those first two weeks than any other time in the relationship!!!*** However, if we all stopped and took a look into our own lives, we would realize we all put up with some type of abusive situation at some point or another. While it may not be as extreme as domestic violence in many cases, a lot of the reasons for continuing to endure other toxic situations and relationships are the same. I can tell you from personal experience that although my safety may not be in jeopardy at my current job, I feel as physically and psychologically drained as I did in my first marriage. So why did I stay so long?

As I said previously, the reasons are similar. I held out hope it would get better. I attributed my stress to other sources in my life. I tried to convince myself I was lucky to have a job [spouse who loved me and would do anything for me]. After all, there are so many people struggling just to find work, I thought I should be grateful to have the financial security afforded by my current employment. On a similar note, I worried that I would suffer financially if I changed jobs. As awful as my current situation has been, struggling to pay the bills and not being able to afford to eat did not seem like a better prospect. Loss of financial security is TERRIFYING even with a strong support system and second income. Imagine how individuals who are completely isolated and buried in debt by their abusers feel about this situation… Then add to that fear of retribution…

Beyond all the “practical” reasons, though, the thing that has kept from moving on the longest was LOSS OF HOPE. I truly didn’t think I could do better (in either instance). I believed that even if I got out of the situation I was in that I would just end up in another one just as bad or even worse. It seemed so much easier to face the enemy I already knew. To put effort into getting out only to end up going through the same mess again was something I was convinced would break me. It took everything in me just to get through each day, each hour, each minute. I honestly couldn’t think far enough ahead to get my head on straight. Abusive relationships (spouse, work, or otherwise) are so draining that there is no energy left to dream or hope or plan. There is no imagining a better way of living let alone surmising a strategy to get there. When you are completely surrounded by and enveloped in negative, toxic energy day in and day out, it is so easy to believe that every other job (or spouse) will be the same. That is why is each time I had to get to a point where it was completely unbearable.

In the case with my job, I finally realized that my fear of every other job being as awful was the same terrible logic I had applied to dating. Not every employer treats their staff poorly, just as not every relationship out there is dysfunctional. There are people out there who get up and actually look forward to going to work. Good jobs exist. The key to finding one is knowing your worth.

I am finally at a point where I know my worth both personally and professionally. I would not be true to myself if I continued to work in my current position. I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be respected, treated well, and appreciated. I am not willing to settle anymore. That is why I am seeking other employment. I will not feel guilty for putting myself and my health first.

This job is my last tie to my “old” life; and, to be honest, I will be happy to let it go. I am ready to put my the last piece of my past behind me where it belongs. While I obviously wish I had acknowledged how unhealthy the situation was sooner, I am happy that I am finally applying my new outlook and philosophy on all areas of my life. I can’t beat myself up for being an optimist and hoping things would improve. It’s at the core of my being and has gotten me this far in life. In the future, however, I will have to pay extra mind to situations and people that are wearing on me. After all, I should be able to still see the world through my rosy colored specs and still look out for myself. One would think the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Sometimes you need to just take the leap and have faith that the universe will take care of things. I am taking that leap.

Change is a good thing and I am 100% ready to embrace it.

I’m Going to Lake Placid!

“Opportunities do not come with their values stamped upon them.

Everyone must be challenged.

A day dawns, quite like other days;

in it a single hour comes, quite like other hours;

but in that day and in that hour the chance of a lifetime faces us.”
-Maltbie Davenport Babcock

For a long time I have dreamed of racing at Lake Placid. As it turns out, I’ll be there sooner than I thought! While, it may not be for my original fantasy involving a 2.4 miles swim, 112 mile bike ride, and 26 mile run, it will involve plenty of mileage.

In an unexpected turn of events, I have been invited to run with the Bondi Band Ultra Team at Ragnar Relay Adirondacks. Unluckily for the team (but lucky for me!), they had some runners drop from the event due to injury. Surprisingly (and also fortunate for me!) there are not tons of ultra runners available to travel to New York on short notice for a multi-day event (Go figure, right?). I guess there is some benefit to planning life at the last minute because I had no conflicting races or plans.

My initial reaction to the invite was that is was WAAYYY to good to be true! Here I had an invitation to run a Ragnar Event with my race entry and hotel paid for and free gear and nutrition from sponsors…. All I had to do was show up and run. I could not, for the life of me, figure out the catch. How was there not a line of people fighting over this AMAZING opportunity? When I saw the race finished in Lake Placid, I knew it was a sign to just go for it.

There are some times in your life when it just feels like the stars and planets perfectly align in your favor, and this was one for me. I was being offered an opportunity to do something I absolutely love, on a long weekend I just happened to have off from work, within hours of my house, at a location I have dreamed of racing. I felt like I won the karma lottery.

Even after registering and sending me measurements for my race gear, I still couldn’t believe it was actually happening. I held off on posting just in case something fell through… Then it did. Another runner dropped from the team, and we were sent scrambling for a replacement. Again, no one was available who could cover that kind of mileage. Just when it seemed all hope might be lost, the hubs volunteered to cover the toughest legs of the team (He is a keeper that hubby of mine!)

Sooooo now it is official! We have a full roster! Both the hubs and I will be running as Bondi Bandits at the Ragnar Adirondacks in less than two weeks!!! I am so psyched to be doing my very first sponsored event, and even more so that I’ll have my hubby there with me. Beyond that, I was thrilled to learn that our main sponsor Bondi Band is not only founded by a kick a$$ lady from New England, but also donates 10% of all profits to the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston, Massachusetts. That is the kind of company I am proud to run for and represent.

As great as it is to get a free race entry and new gear, I am almost more excited about being a part of a team of like minded individuals! I am so looking forward to finally meeting all the other ladies in person! I love ultra running, so the opportunity to connect with other passionate endurance athletes (and bad a$$ ladies) is a huge bonus for me. After all, there is nothing like spending hours end running and sleeping in a van to bond a group of strangers!

For those of you interested in learning more about some of the other fabulous members of the Bondi Bandits, I provided links to their blogs below. Be sure to leave them some love!

RunAllTheRaces– Share Perfect Goofy Gail and Kimberly’s adventures as they run Disney and everything in between

Mother Maker Marathon Runner– A blog about embracing life with a bit of grace, a lot of perseverance, and a positive attitude

Fabulosi-T– Because life is too short not to be fabulous

While your at it, you can check out our sponsors as well!

Bondi Band– In addition to generously sponsoring the team entries, they are also supplying us with new gear! They have so many cute headbands and socks, it was hard to choose!

Chase This Skirt– Um, did I mention we get to race in custom made skirts!?! Coolest team/race/moment of my life ever.

Clif Bar– The hubs and I already use Clif Bloks as our go to nutrition/electrolyte replacement on long runs and rides. I love that they even come in margarita flavor.

Krave– Healthy Gourmet Jerky, who knew there was such a thing? I am sure the hubs will love it; and as far as I am concerned, if it is good enough for Meb, it’s good enough for me!

I Had A Beyonce Moment

“One way to get the most out of life is to look upon it as an adventure.”
William Feather

Today I had a Beyonce moment. No, not in the Queen Bee-Feminist-Diva sense. Rather, in the Giant Metal Chicken sense. Let’s face it, one of these was more obtainable than the other… and I do have a slight fetish for giant metal animals.

It’s no secret that I am a ~~big~~ HUGE fan of the Bloggess. The women makes a living at being snarky… she is pretty much my hero. Anyway, part of the reason I think she’s so hilarious is that I find her oddly relatable. Back when I first read of her escapades with Beyonce, I immediately sent the link to my mother with a note that was something to the effect of “This is sooooo something we would do” because it was ABSOLUTELY something we would do.

Fast forward several years later, and my mom and I finally had our chance in Home Goods to live the Beyonce dream.

It started out innocently enough. It was my sister’s last day of summer vacation, and I promised her I’d take her out to enjoy it. She couldn’t decide between shopping for clothes or new stuff for her room, so we decided to do both. By the time we arrived at Home Goods (ie. the bargain hunter’s Mecca) we had already scored some sweet deals on new clothes next door at Kohls. I splurged and spent $8 on a new sundress, which already put me in well the lead for best deal of the day.

Upon stepping through the automatic doors it was as if the Heavens themselves were illuminating a path to the back of the store… that or I was simply drawn to the giant, metal, SHINY object towering over the aisles…

A GIANT METAL GIRAFFE!!!!! WHAT COULD BE MORE AWESOME?

There are no amount of photos that could do adequate justice to the magnificent creature that stood before me. She was over 7 feet of shiny, metal, giraffe AWESOMENESS complete with long, beautiful EYELASHES!!!!! The only thing that could have possibly been more awesome is if she were a giant llama, but still a 7+ foot metal giraffe? Come on people! I couldn’t just leave her there!

The stock guy could see my internal struggle. It was just too stunning to leave in the store, but how would I ever get it home? Then there was the issue of the hoodlums in my neighborhood who had already stolen my Halloween decorations. Suddenly the lightbulb went on! My brother is getting married!!!!! I had been trying to think of something both unique and completely over the top to get him and his fiancee. BINGO What could be more unique and over the top than a 7 foot giraffe??? Obviously they would love her as much as I did. She would be cherished and held in a place of esteem in their home. Not to mention the terrific reaction it’d provoke when they came home to a giant giraffe on their deck.

It was a perfect plan… minus the figuring out how to get it there. As if on cue, the stock guy egged us on “You know it comes apart”. Apart? As in, it would fit in the car? SOLD!!!!!

So we were now the VERY proud owners of a larger than life metal giraffe who was not so willing to be taken down without a fight. We got three of her legs off easily enough, but the fourth just wasn’t budging. I only wish I had a picture of what my mother, sister, and I must have looked like with our partly dismembered giraffe in the parking lot. We certainly drew plenty of unabashed stares. Strangely, no one offered to help. Ultimately, we found a store worker to aid us in popping off the last bolt and were merrily on our way (with a now completely dismembered giraffe). Lucky for us, she’s a skilled yogi.

Once we had our cargo safely tucked away, we decided to bring her straight to my brother’s so we could surprise them when they got home from work. We made a quick pit stop at my mom’s on the way and fashioned an uber cool sign for her to wear, just in case they didn’t immediately associate the random, giant giraffe appearing on their deck with being a wedding present.

Thankfully, our Liza (that was my name pick after Liza Minnelli. It seemed fitting with all the lashes. Mom preferred Georgette and Christy wanted Gloria.) went back together much more easily than she came apart. She also matched their deck furniture perfectly, so it was clearly meant to be. When we finally got her all set up with her sign and some extra colorful ribbon for good measure I got a text from the hubby asking “What did you end up doing today?”

I told him I got a wedding present for my brother and his fiancee… and sent him this picture:

Strangely, I didn’t get an immediate reply back. After some prompting, he asked how they liked it. (I truly appreciate my hubby’s ability to be so politic about these situations) I told him it was a surprise. I think he may have been worried for them, but that’s only because he fails to appreciate giraffes the way my brother (and his fiance) and I do. The rest of our conversation went something like this:

I’m lucky he loves me…

Ultimately, my brother and his bride LOVED their giraffe and were very surprised to have been greeted by her when they got home. Mostly, I think they were trying to figure out how on earth we got her there… which was a combination of ingenuity and determination.

I’m just thrilled they love her as much as I did. It was totally worth every penny (and the bleeding invoked by the disassembly process) to know they will smile when they see her. It was also well worth the money just for the amount of hilarity that ensued with my mom, sister, and I trying to get the giraffe in the car and to their house.

Anyone can buy a wedding gift on a registry, but those who are daring surprise their loved ones with giant metal giraffes.

My Training Goals

“There are no secrets to success.

It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure.”

-Colin Powell

What’s up peeps?! Today I bring to you yet another sick on the couch post, but fear not! I went to the Minute Clinic today and came home with three separate prescriptions. One of those scripts is for doxycycline, so I am pretty much covered for anything from a sinus infection to pneumonia to Lyme disease. Take that germs! Huzzah!

I figured I’d use my continued down time to update you all about my next step in training (you know how I like to be productive at all times). As you all know, I have had some serious issues with my IT bands and knee pain recently. That lead to several costly visits to the chiropractor (anyone else find it ironic that the Affordable Health Act has made health care anything but?… Thanks Obamacare for my insurance super crummy… not sure exactly who is benefitting from this legislation beyond insurance companies who are raking everyone now that insurance is mandatory)

Anyway… given that my copay alone is $50, the multiple visits a week start adding up pretty quickly. As much as I love my new chiropractor, it seemed sort of a waste to be spending over a hundred dollars a week on rehabbing an injury when I could have prevented the weakness and muscle imbalances by working with a personal trainer for significantly less cost. At least, that is how I have justified going back to personal training for myself. Truly though, I would MUCH rather pay money to avoid an injury than to fix one (Sorry Cassie! Maybe we can hang out socially instead of at your office).

Before I stopped working out with a trainer I had ZERO issues with injury or knee pain. However, between stopping the weight training and not being allowed to do anything for weeks after surgery, I think my muscle groups got imbalanced. All the quad heavy swimming, biking, and running was no bueno for my poor knees. I am just the type of person who NEEDS strength training to keep my knee caps in place and avoid injury. I can’t get by without it. I know and accept that. Now it’s time to address it.

For those of you wondering, I am choosing to work with a trainer rather than on my own because 1) I know myself and I won’t do it consistently or do the parts I hate if left to my own devices; and 2) This is my health. My #1 goal is to state injury free, so I am happy to pay up if it means staying out of the doctor’s office. Plus, I know having someone else to push me will get me better results.

After my last trainer left, I spent a good amount of time feeling lost. It didn’t feel right training with anyone else because (despite our rocky start and differences) we had built a solid relationship. It took a long time for us to work out the kinks in our communication, but when we did we had a real bond. At the end of the day I knew he was going to kick my butt every single workout, and he knew I was going to give it 100% without complaint. Without realizing it, I had come to really rely on him to push me in the gym. I wasn’t really sure what to do with myself after he was gone.

Then I became ~~obsessed~~ preoccupied with improving my cycling, which meant spending every spare second on my bike. So, basically, I went from lifting/cross training at least twice a week to being completely consumed by triathlon alone. Enter my surgery and all the activity restrictions and the wheels essentially fell off the cart. Looking back, it was the perfect recipe for disaster, but I so desperately wanted to get in a HIM (MOST EXPENSIVE RACE EVER!!! once you add up all the travel and medical bills anyway… totally worth it though)…

There was also likely an element of denial. After all, wouldn’t it be nice to believe that I don’t need regular strength training workouts crammed in between all the swimming, biking, and running? Oh and wouldn’t it be nice not to pay that extra money to a trainer?

Well, sadly, that’s just not how life works… Not for me anyway! I DO need to work with a trainer because I want to stay injury free and be the healthiest version of myself possible. That is a priority for me. For as expensive a sport as triathlon is, and as expensive as healthcare is, I’m trying to think of it more as an investment than an expense.

In that same spirit, I have picked a trainer this time around who is as passionate and motivated about fitness as I am. Together we are going to do great things… and possibly cause our male counterparts to groan at our neon workout clothes and unbridled enthusiasm.. but mostly we will kick a$$.

In an effort to start this relationship on the right foot, I already discussed some of my training goals with my new trainer. In addition, I also told her I would come up with a more complete list. I figured, what better way to really commit than to share it publicly with all of you, so here it is:

MY TRAINING GOALS

Main/General Goals:

Improve overall strength and endurance (General Conditioning)- Translates to improved endurance for races and effective injury prevention
Work on balance and coordination- This will help with all areas of triathlon, but especially cycling
Strengthen core- 6 weeks of no core post surgery translates to WEAK core muscles. Having a strong core is essential in general- so obviously in all three sports of triathlon as well.
Strengthen glutes- To help with hill climbing on the bike and keep my hips from dipping with I run
Balance muscle groups– Currently my quads are out working their opposing muscle groups and causing knee issues

Specific/Short Term Goals:

Get back to doing unassisted chin ups
Unassisted pull ups
Military push ups, Diamond push ups, One handed push ups… & someday plyo push ups
Unassisted dips
Learn to Love Plyo (ie get better at it… or at least not dread it…)
Dead lift, Squat, and Bench my body weight (Maybe not a true “short” term goal, but I have dead lifted my body weight before… once we do all these we can try my body weight for power cleans)

Personal Goals:

Become as fit as possible- Beyond just generally improving, I’d like to strive to be as fit as I can. It’s about always having a goal currently beyond reach to strive for.
Complete an Ironman or Ironman distance race
Stay injury free
Body building competition (Not figure or fitness… this is a someday/bucket list goal)
Improve as a swimmer, cyclist, and runner
Write a book on my fitness journey (Not directly relevant to personal training, but a good insight to me as a person… and it is technically a fitness related goal of mine)
Learn more about proper nutrition and do a better job at it.

There you have it folks! I think that’s a good start. Now I am 100% accountable. It should be a fun adventure! As always, I’ll keep you all posted on my progress.

Fever and Chills and Coughing… Oh My!

“Even when I’m sick and depressed, I love life.”
Arthur Rubinstein

As you may have guessed, it’s another day home sick for me. The good news is I have at least made it out of bed to the couch. I also am surprisingly not very sore at all anymore, so it appears that my body has recovered from the insult of the HIM. Now I just need to kick this blasted sinus infection! (I think I’m finally winning!) I was super fortunate yesterday that my mom came to check in on me not once, but twice. She even brought me some warm, mushy foods to heat up, which was a total God send given I’ve been to dizzy and feverish to drive.

The funny thing about being under the weather is that it’s a great eye opener to how easy it is to take for granted all the days I wake up not feeling like absolute crap. I mean, when you think about it, there are plenty of people who wake up in pain and feeling awful on a regular basis, and they still find time to be grateful. How fortunate am I to not only be healthy (present symptoms excluded), but also to live in a nice house with a wonderfully supportive husband and family, and an amazing network of friends? I wake every morning knowing I am loved. I have a good job which has given me the means and privilege of participating in a (three) sport(s) I love. I have SO MUCH to be thankful for.

While it stinks to be sick, at least I have the opportunity to be sick. I can stay home from work and not have to worry about getting paid. There are a lot of other people who don’t have the luxury of paid time off. I also don’t have to worry about taking care of anyone else right now which would not be the cases if Adam and I had a family. There are plenty of moms who never get a day off no matter how sick they are.

So beyond being grateful for my warm, mushy breakfast this morning (thanks mom!), I was thankful for the opportunity to stay at home curled up on the couch and not worry about anything other than getting better.

There is always something to be grateful for; some days you may just need to look harder than others. Today I didn’t have to look very hard which is something to be thankful for in itself. 🙂

One More Thing

“Try to look at your weakness and convert it into your strength. That’s success.”
-Zig Ziglar

I was supposed to be back at work today, but instead I am typing from my bed. (boo!) My sinus infection has gotten the better of me, and I figured my patients wouldn’t appreciate me coughing on them for 13+ hours… Not to mention that medicine head is probably not great for clinical judgement. The good news is that at least I am home in bed and not in a hospital bed, which is a huge improvement from my last triathlon. I am hoping on the next one we can just avoid getting sick altogether… that would be just fine with me.

Anyway, I figured I would use this mandatory downtime to update you all on the one other thing I learned about myself at the Timberman that I didn’t mention in my previous post. Basically, I found out I am a complete and utter wuss on the bike. Now don’t get me wrong! I am certainly not complaining about the amount of time it took me to finish the bike course or the race overall. (I actually was hugely impressed that I broke 7 hours on my first HIM, especially being under the weather and injured) What disappointed me was how quickly I unravelled mentally when the bike started to hurt.

Truthfully, I knew the bike was my weakest link going into this event. After all, of the three disciplines I’ve had the least experience with cycling. I have been a runner most of my life and had been solidly working on my swim for almost a year. The bike, on the other hand, I only had a few months riding beyond spin classes and time in the trainer, and even that time was limited due to injury and having surgery. All that being said, I realize I am being a little hard on myself… buuuuutttttt if I don’t honestly examine the areas I am weak in, I won’t ever improve. If I don’t improve, I’ll never make it to a full 140.6 distance race. Therefore, it’s all in the name of the greater goal.

The funny thing is, I can just run for hours and hours on end- through pain, blisters, chafing, sprains, falls, and spasms. I can tune everything else out and just keep pushing. I know my when my body has more to give and just keep on grinding. Meanwhile, on the bike, the second it starts really hurting I come completely undone. It’s just not pretty, and I hated feeling like an absolute wimp on that entire bike course. I knew I had better speed and power in me, but I just couldn’t get my body to perform. I was having a big ugly battle the the Doubt Monster… Man I hate that biotch!

Granted, the bike course was extremely congested making it hard to pass or ride at my own pace, and I was injured, and sick, and it was significantly more windy than the previous time I road it, but none of that makes me feel any better about just how mentally defeated I was by the bike. My inner critic was on heavy metal volume, and there was no tuning her out. I sang songs and counted miles, but mostly I thought about how improbable it was that I would ever make it through to the end. That Doubt Monster completely had her way with me, and that is totally unacceptable- sick and injured or not.

Yes, I am still proud that I stuck with it and got it done, but I also realize I have a loooonnnngggg way to go to improve. Bottom line: I need to spend more time on my bike. I need to get more comfortable with riding in general and knowing my limits. I need to get more God-awful rides under my belt so I am accustomed to what normal hurting feels like. I need to work on climbing hills and getting the hang of rocking. I need to get more confident in my handling skills and actually learn to drink and eat while riding. I need to get to a point where my mental grit on the bike is on par with running. At the end of the day, it’s confidence that I am lacking. The only remedy is more time in the saddle.

Timberman may have been an eye opener as to how far I still have to go before taking on a monster Ironman, but it is also a testament to how much closer I am to getting there than I was a few months or even a year ago. I am literally half way there, and that is kind of a big deal… especially when you consider all the setbacks and fact that this is only my second triathlon ever.

For those of you wondering how it is that I was able to grind out all those miles on the bike despite being racked with pain and filled with doubt, the truth is I went into “Ultra Mode”. I refused to think about anything beyond the mile I was in. If I allowed myself to think of the whole 13.1 mile run at the end, it would have undone me. I recognized the Doubt Monster playing her evil games, and I told myself to just get through the next mile… a whole bunch of times (just like in an ultra! Ultra Mode!)

It is so much easier to set a small goal than try to digest the entire magnitude of what lies ahead. Every time I race a new distance (first half, first marathon, first ultra, first triathlon) I have to fight the impulse not to get overwhelmed by the task ahead. Each time I fall back on focusing on one mile at a time and then set a simultaneous larger goal (ie. “get to the next aid station” or “just get through this segment”).

I know from experience that the worst part for me psychologically always falls in the middle of an event. For Timberman, that did not bode well for me and the bike. The thing is, I have learned to recognize that about myself, so I am prepared when it happens. I also try to remind myself that usually the races where I feel the worst are the ones when I’m doing my best because working harder means more discomfort and the miles seem longer (even if you are moving faster).

Another tactic I use is simply to remind myself that the pain will get better and a second wind will come. I know from experience that this is generally true. The trick is to just hang in there long enough and focus on my form in the meantime. I also try to sort out whether I’m actually in pain or just bored because when it comes to running, many times it’s the latter. Plus, I find it also helps to smile and remind myself that I’m doing something I love (though frequently it’s in the “I love you, but I don’t like you right now” sense). I take time to be grateful. Then when all else fails, I remind myself that every pedal stroke and step are getting me one step closer to the finish, and that as long as I don’t quit I will eventually get there. One step, one minute at a time until there are no steps left to take.

That, my friends, is what works for me. What works for you?

#thriveon

Lessons Learned From Timberman 70.3

“To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream,

not only plan, but also believe.”

~ Anatole France

Instead of sharing a standard recap of the Timberman 70.3, I thought I would change things up a bit and impart some of the wisdom I obtained during my first HIM experience. So without further ado, here are my Lessons Learned at the Timberman 70.3:

Not every race day is going to be a good day. You can train. You can taper. You can hydrate. You can do everything you are supposed to do beforehand and still have a crappy race day. I went into Timberman knowing I would not be at 100% due to my recent knee injury; however, I was not prepared to wake up race morning with a brewing sinus infection. Despite feeling pretty crummy, I had an okay swim. However, I suffered miserably through all 56 miles of the bike. My knee had blown up and was swollen by mile ten; and my legs felt like they weighed 100 lbs each. Even worse, my entire body ached so badly (think flu-like body aches) that all I think about was to curling up into a ball and sleeping. I truly wanted to enjoy the experience, but instead I spent 3 and a half hours literally counting down every mile. I played songs in my head, I thought about places I’d rather be, and desperately tried to distract myself from just how much I dreaded the run. I thought about quitting, fantasized even. Then I reminded myself that I have been through worse runs, worse rides, and worse pain. I worked too hard. There would be no quitting.

Smiling through the pain. Just a few more miles to go!

Things can always turn around. For as awful as the bike was, that is how awesome my run went. I had dreaed those last 13.1 miles, but actually felt the best I had all race. Just as easily as things can go downhill, they can also turn around for the better. That is the secret of endurance sports. If you can just hang in there long enough (and eat/hydrate properly), a second wind will come.

Starting the run. Happy to see my hubby cheering.

It’s supposed to be fun. Thankfully, it’s hard to forget that fact when you’re assigned to the Whoopee Cushion Swim Wave. I may have hated every second on the bike, but I still smiled and tried to have fun the whole race.

I know you’re jealous…

You are only as good as your support network. I never would have gotten to the start line of my first half without an amazing network of people to help and encourage me. From my husband and family to my tri club, friends, and fellow Toughies, I have been extremely blessed with some great people in my life which makes all the difference when you are taking on larger than life goals.

I had the angel my mom gave me almost the whole way

(it would have been tough to wear it on the swim)

The rules in triathlon exist for a reason. This may seem common sense, but it has never been so apparent to me as to why these rules are in place as in racing at an event where no one followed them. Now while I understand that with over 2000 athletes the bike course was crowded, that was still no excuse for teams of athletes riding in packs three or four wide. Not only was it dangerous (especially considering the course wasn’t closed), but it forced everyone around them to travel at their pace and further congest the course. Not to mention, with all the wind it gave the drafting riders a HUGE advantage. The other thing people kept doing which was both hugely inconsiderate and dangerous was riding to the left when not passing. This meant other riders had to pass way out in the road to get around them. If you are going to participate in a triathlon attend the safety briefing and follow the rules. They are in place for everyone’s safety, including yours.
There’s no need to be rude. The one other negative lesson I learned is that I never want to swim ahead of a men’s wave EVER AGAIN. I get that triathletes are competitive, but is beating on a woman half your size in the water really going to improve your time that much? We ladies have more of an understanding. Sure there are women who will plow over each other, but for the most part we get that we aren’t there to win. Getting run over by a bunch of dudes in the water is not my idea of a good time… And by the way guys-who-don’t-understand-personal-space, I swim way out to the side to avoid the contact nature of triathlon swimming, so if you are over in my turf chances are you aren’t winning your age group either. On that same note, there’s no need to be rude on the bike or run either. I have never done any running event where I have been elbowed or shoved. It’s completely unnecessary. “On your left” is generally sufficient to get people out of your way. Plus, I go out of my way to be out of the way (I like personal space), so if you are crashing into me you are really working at it. We are all out there trying to do our best, let’s try to be courteous of each other. It’s called sportsmanship, and I’m pretty sure it’s in the rules too.
There’s always someone more miserable than you are. When you are suffering in your own circle of hell during a race, it’s hard to think of anything else. You feel like you’re in worse shape than EVERYONE else, the worst athlete out there even. The truth is, there is always going to be someone suffering more than you. I thought I was in terrible shape on my bike and couldn’t imagine making it to the run. Everyone around me seemed to be struggling so much less than I was. Then when I was on the run and able to see much more of the race field, I realized I was not as bad off as I originally thought. Yes, I was tired and having some pain; but I could still hold a steady pace. Many of the people I crossed paths with were walking, moaning, grimacing, and limping. It was a quick reality check as to just how lucky I was to feel good at all on my run.
It’s all worth it when you cross the finish. All the training, the sacrifice, and suffering is 100% worth it when you cross that finish line. There’s not much that can compete with the sense of accomplishment that comes from achieving your dream. The setbacks and pain don’t matter. They become a distant memory. It’s all sunshine and rainbows at the other end.

I see you finish line, and I am coming for you!

There is value in bad race days. Sure it’s great to wake up feeling fantastic on race day and know you did your absolute best. After all, it’s the only time you really get to see the absolute limits of which you’re capable. However, it’s unfortunate that people often overlook the value in the horrible racing days– the ones that you struggle to survive let along finish. While great race experiences demonstrate to us what we are we can do on our best days, the bad ones remind us of just how strong and resilient we are under the absolute worst circumstance. After finishing the Timberman 70.3 I don’t just know I’m tough enough to finish a Half Ironman, I know I’m bad ass enough to do it with limited training (thanks to surgery), a knee injury, and a sinus infection on next to no sleep. Not to mention that I stuck with it despite how absolutely miserable I was the entire bike and still hammered out the whole 13.1 mile run without walking. In fact, I blasted through the run in under 2 and a half hours… after a 1.2 mile swim, 56 mile bike, and feeling like death. That is how far sheer will and determination will get you in life. My calves and feet went into spasm the last 2 miles of my run, but as long as I could physically keep my body running, I was going to keeping moving. I didn’t stop to walk because I was afraid I wouldn’t be able to start again. Instead, I pressed forward and prayed my muscles didn’t seize completely and cause me to face plant. I can’t remember the last time I wanted something as badly as I wanted to see that finish line. At the end of it, I was most proud that I pulled that run out after such a horrific ride on the bike. To go from 3.5 hours of misery on the bike to running a pace that was faster than the second half of my marathon and not far off from some of my stand alone half times was just mind blowing to me, especially given how terrible I felt in general.
Smile through the pain. Not just in racing, but in life. Smiling will not only make you feel better, but also attract positivity. When I smile during a race it reminds me of how lucky I am to be there. I’m not only healthy, but also doing something I love. I am happiest when I am outside and physically active. That is why I race. I smile because I’m happy and grateful to be there. Guess what else… I get extra cheers from the spectators for smiling!

So happy it’s over!

You have to REALLY want it. At the end of the day, it’s going to be your drive and motivation that carry you through to the finish. You have to want it enough to get through the training and the setbacks along the way. There are so many opportunities to get derailed on the path to our goals and dreams. It’s so much easier sometimes to quit than stick with it. That is why you have to want it with every ounce of your being, so when the pain and suffering come you aren’t tempted to give in. It doesn’t matter how much support you have if you aren’t 100% committed. Once you get to a point where every pedal stroke, every step hurts and you hurt everywhere, the only thing that is going to keep you going is how badly you want it.

Some nice bling for my effort 🙂

There is always a way. Regardless of what your goals and circumstances are, there is a way to achieve your dreams if you are willing to put in the work and never give up. If you stick with it eventually you will get there. It may take years or a lifetime, but as long as the drive is there it will happen. Keep dreaming. Keep working toward your dreams.

It’s Almost Go Time

“Fear is gradually replaced by excitement and a simple desire to see what you can do on the day.”

-Lauren Fleshman

As I type this post, I am waiting for my husband to get ready for our trip to New Hampshire. I figured this would be a more productive use of my time than nervously drumming my fingers while breathing down his neck. My original hope was to be on the road by now; however, my hubby works second shift and runs on what I affectionately term “California Time”. Thus, I expected when he agreed to come that we would get a late start. It’s a small price to pay to have his undying support. (At least that’s what I tell myself when I start to feel stressed…)

At this point, I have packed, unpacked, laid out all my gear to double-triple-quadruple check I have everything, and re-packed. I am pretty sure I will still forget something, but at least I know I have the essentials. Plus, it’s not as if we are traveling out to the middle of nowhere. Anything I’ve forgotten beyond my gear (which we’ve established is all accounted for… 4 times) we can replace when we get there.

Lucy would like you to know that she helped. She’s such a good girl!

The hubs is currently installing a new derailer on his bike. No, he’s not racing, but he’s bringing it with him to spectate. Therefore, it obviously needs to be in PERFECT working order. Yes, this is the best time possible to fix it. No, I am not freaking out. Instead, I’m distracting him with awesome videos like this:

Aside from being behind on our scheduled departure, I am ready to go! I went to the chiropractor yesterday and got stretched out and taped up.

Having a good chiropractor is my Ace in the Hole!

I also had my parents over for dinner last night to celebrate both their anniversary and my Dad’s birthday (which happen to fall on race day… Is that a good sign or what?). I surprised them with fresh cut flowers from my garden and they surprised me with this:

Having an awesome family also helps…

Then before I went to bed, I completed my triathlon pre-race ritual and made sure I had some fire on the outside to match the fire within…

Sky Above, Earth Below, Fire Within… Ready for Go Time!

All that being said, I am set to go! I have put in the work, now it’s time to reap the reward. Sure, I didn’t expect to go into my big day with an injury, but I am certainly not going to let it dampen my mood or detract from the experience! I earned my spot at that start line, injured or not. I am ready to take on those miles and enjoy every wonderful/awful minute of it. I am an endurance athlete. This is what I do. It’s what I love. I get to spend an ENTIRE day outside swimming in a beautiful lake, riding my bike, and running my favorite (running) race distance. I honestly cannot wait to get out and start!

This a dream that has been over a year in the making. It’s required more grit and determination than any race I’ve taken on to date. A year ago I didn’t know how to swim or even own a rode bike. I had to grow tremendously as a person and athlete to become a triathlete. It’s been an amazing journey which has been a roller coaster at times. (Triathlon mirroring life..) There were so many points when I felt so close only to have one set back after another. Yet, I stuck with it, and now it’s really happening. This will truly be my biggest physical challenge to date, and I feel 100% ready to take it on.

The great thing about chasing a dream like this is how much it forces you to grow and change. The person who arrives at the start line is not the same as the one who started training. Nor is she the same as the person who crosses the finish. The whole process is a crazy metamorphosis. I know I will finish that race a different person than when I started. I am already so far removed from the runner who dreamed of an Ironman. I am now a swimmer, cyclist, and triathlete. Tomorrow (God willing!) I’ll be a Half Ironman. It a huge step on my journey to Ironman.

The best thing about chasing a huge (and at times insurmountable) dream is inspiring other people to do the same. I never hid how much I struggled with the swimming or cycling or how terrified I was. I wanted to show that it’s ok to suck and fail as long as you don’t give up on your dream. Failing is part of growing. It’s a sign that your are truly challenging yourself, and there’s a lot of value in that.

There’s a chance that I may fail tomorrow. I could get sick or crash or have my injury get the best of me, but I won’t give up. I’ll find another half. I’ll keep chasing my dream, and I will get there. Regardless of how the day goes, I’ll be grateful for the experience. I’ll be thankful for the opportunities triathlon has given me and the personal growth that has happened as a result.

More than anything though, I’lll be delighted to be finished tapering! I miss all the high volumes of swimming, biking, and running! Plus, I have a great game plan to get Ironman ready. 🙂

No Room For Fear

“It’s less about the physical training, in the end, than it is about the mental preparation”
-Jimmy Smits

I am officially less than one week away from the biggest race of my “career” and one of the biggest challenges if my life (thus far anyway). With the recent set back of my IT bands/knees acting up and the knowledge that I will likely not be 100% by race day, I feel fully entitled to be completely freaked out right now.

However, nothing useful has ever been accomplished by getting all worked up over stuff that can’t be controlled. I mean it’s certainly not going to enhance my performance! Rather, it will just exacerbate the situation and make for a miserable racing experience… which kind of defeats the purpose of signing up in the first place… unless you’re a masochist, which I am not (contrary to popular belief).

Instead I’ve decided to make “No room for fear” my mantra for the Timberman 70.3. Why? Because it’s absolutely true. There is no room for fear when you are taking on the biggest challenge of your life. Fear is a distraction and a hindrance. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Not to mention that fear will suck every ounce of joy out of what otherwise could be an amazing day! You can’t simultaneously live in the moment of race day while worrying about all the horrible things that might happen… or the terrible pain you may be in… at some point… probably hours from now…

That’s not to say I’m immune from the nagging fear and doubt that looms in the pre-race period. Tapering is enough to make anyone question your sanity, let alone tapering while nursing an injury. The thing is, while I fully acknowledge their presence, I refuse to let the pre-race jitters undo me. I know I am going to be uncomfortable at some point during my HIM. There is also a good possibility I will be in a fair amount of pain on my run. It is even probable that I will be absolutely hating life by the time it’s over. Of course, it is also possible that I may have a mind blowing endorphin rush and one of the best racing experiences of my life. The best part is, they are not mutually exclusive. I could have a gloriously miserable race experience and still come out as a win. (I may have lost a lot of you there, but I know my fellow ultra runners and endurance athletes understand what I’m saying… or maybe you don’t because it’s late and I’m rambling…)

The good news is my knee issue conveniently started at a point when I was supposed to be tapering anyway. With just about all my training behind me, the most useful thing I could do was get it taken care asap and trust the work I put in over the past year. I was fortunate that a fellow Tri club member happens to be a chiropractor. She managed to squeeze me in almost immediately (Did I mention it was a weekend? How lucky am I to know great people!?!). Within a few visits she’s been able to break up the scar tissue along my IT bands and stretch my uber tight hips and hamstrings. With her help and lots of rest, ice, and elevation my knees are now pain free, but they aren’t 100%.

There is a good chance they still won’t be 100% on Sunday, but that is okay. Yes, it is a set back. Yes, it really stinks to have worked so hard and avoided injury so long just to blow up my knee on a short, flat run. Absolutely yes, taking extra rest time pre-race completely sucks; but it also beats the alternative. I would rather risk being undertrained the last couple weeks than overtrain and potentially develop a real injury.

Plus, there is always a silver lining. Going into this event not 100% has actually given me an opportunity to step back and allow myself not to expect my absolute best. Instead, I plan on being in the moment on race day. I want to savor the whole experience and revel in just how lucky I am to be able to spend an entire day enjoying the outdoors while doing a sport I LOVE. So while I could wallow in how awful it is to have a setback two weeks out, I’d rather say ‘How lucky am I that I get to just race this one for fun?!?’

At the end of the day, it isn’t about the time or PR for me. It’s about stepping out of my comfort zone and taking on a challenge SO BIG that I had to take on TWO NEW SPORTS to even attempt it. It’s about pushing past my fear of swimming and cycling and failing and growing into a person strong enough to get to the starting line. The real victory won’t be crossing the finish line. The real victory came from overcoming every obstacle along the way. To me, the Timberman 70.3 may be the biggest challenge yet on this journey, but it is also the icing on the cake. It’s a whole day of doing something I truly love in good company with tons of support. What could be better than that?

Now let me ask, when’s the last time you allowed yourself to race with no pressure?

What I’ve Learned From Triathlon

“One can acquire everything in solitude except character.”

-Stendhal

Today I applied to be an ambassador for the 2015 Swim Bike Mom Team. I think my heart may have actually skipped a beat when I saw this post on my Facebook feed:

Since it is a goal of mine in life to be just like Swim Bike Mom when I grow up (ie. a badass triathlete and author inspiring woman to “keep moving forward” and chase their dreams), I jumped at the chance to join. Plus, I figured I would be perfect for her team since I already tell everyone how awesome she and her book (and blog) are every chance I get… Oh and I’m into that triathlon stuff too 😉

As part of the application they asked how triathlon has changed my life. I spent a lot of time putting together my response because the truth is, it has dramatically changed my life. Given that this was a topic I have been wanting to write about anyway, I figured I would share my answer:

I have never considered myself an athlete. Even when I became an avid runner, I still never identified myself as athletic. I’m about as uncoordinated as they come… downright clumsy actually. I have been plagued with all sorts of knee and joint issues, and even when I ran, I wasn’t able to really excel at it because I was limited by pain.

After extricating myself from an abusive relationship, I found myself again through my love for running. I discovered the minimalist movement and built my way up to running ultras. That is when I first felt the pings of desire to enter the world of triathlon.

From day 1, the goal was never to do A triathlon, it was to do THE triathlon– an IRONMAN. At the time I didn’t know how to swim or bike, so I would say the first way triathlon changed my life is by making me a swimmer and cyclist.

Unlike people who learn to swim or bike simply for the sake of triathlon, I have learned to LOVE both swimming and cycling. I now have two more forms of retreat from the everyday stresses of life. I have two more sports that help me feel connected and centered. Everyday I am grateful for that simple gift for triathlon has given me.

Beyond that, learning to swim and bike have taught me some lessons in humility and perseverance. I was kicked out of my first swim class because I couldn’t rotary breath, but I didn’t quit. I had anxiety every time I went to the pool, every time I had to put my face in the water. I was THE WORST SWIMMER EVER, but I still wanted to be an Ironman. I practiced everyday until I was invited back to class. Then I graduated up a lane. Now I swim at an open water swim group.

It was the same story with the bike. I was TERRIFIED. I rode with white knuckles and braked down every hill. Then I discovered group riding. I felt so much safer. Instead of worrying about going too fast, I was engaged in conversation. I enjoyed the company and almost immediately the fear dissipated.

Through those first attempts at swimming and cycling I LEARNED THE VALUE OF COMMUNITY IN SPORTS.

Running is an individual sport. You train and compete alone. Yes, there are running groups and the whole running community- and don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my running community– but you don’t NEED other people to run. Triathlon is different. There is SO MUCH technical skill involved in swimming and cycling, let alone the rules and logistics of racing. It’s near impossible to pick it all up on your own.

In triathlon you need other people to help you navigate the sport. You need people to talk you down when you are hyperventilating on your first open water swim and teach you how to grab your water bottle while riding in a straight line. Plus, there’s a ton to learn not just about swim and bike technique, but about all the bike maintenance and the gear. It’s a whole foreign world which is much easier to understand when you have other people to guide you through it.

They say “it takes a village” when it comes to raising a child, but I think the same applies to entering triathlon as well. One of the best things I did getting into the sport, was join our local YMCA tri club. Those people have changed my life. What they have done for me is on par with teaching me to walk. They have stood by through every struggle, crash, fear, doubt, and meltdown. Their support has been unwavering and unconditional. They truly are some of the most inspiring people I have ever met and not just based on their athletic achievements (which are both impressive and endless). Everyone is so willing to share what they’ve learned. They are humble, kind, and without judgement. Above all, they genuinely love the sport. It’d be hard not to enjoy training in their company.

So by far, one the best ways triathlon has changed my life is by giving me an amazing community to both support and inspire my dreams… Not only the amazing people I have met and trained with in person, but also the online communities like the Swim Bike Mom Army, Team Tough Chik, blogs, and Facebook pages.

Finally, triathlon has forced me to realize that I am, in fact, an athlete. I am a clumsy chicken of an athlete, but an athlete none the less. I swim, I bike, and I run; and that makes me a pretty tough lady… and yes, a triATHLETE.

***************************************

Just about one week from today, I will be taking on my first half ironman. There have been plenty of setbacks along the way, including a recent knee injury, but I am determined both to finish and have fun. Above all else, I know I’ll be appreciating the journey, the places it’s taken me, and the people I’ve met along the way.

My heroes are the ordinary people in lycra chasing their dreams. The everyday people who step outside their comfort zones and take on great challenges. I am beyond fortunate to have met so many new ordinary heroes in the past year. Hopefully someday I can be as inspiring as they are.