run

Enough

“All I can tell you really is if you get to the point

where someone is telling you that you are not great or not good enough,

just follow your heart and don’t let anybody crush your dream.”

-Patti LaBelle

There are a lot of things in this life that I am not good at… that I struggle with in fact. At the top of that list is feeling like anything I do is ever good enough. Despite being a complete devotee to self love and acceptance, I have to admit that I am by far my own worst critic. I am pretty sure I am not alone in this admission. The thing is, it’s not because I’m unhappy with who I am. It’s that I’m not happy with where I’m at.

I have accomplished EVERY major goal I set my mind to in the past year. I overcame numerous obstacles including not knowing how to bike or swim, surgery, and injury (and FEAR!) to not only become a triathlete, but complete my first Half Ironman (in less than 7 hours!). I finished not one, but TWO 50K ultras with a third in the works, AND ran in my first sponsored race thanks to Bondi Band at the Ragnar Adirondacks.

Beyond the athletic sphere I have made strides in my personal life as well. I successfully negotiated for a better (and more importantly healthier!) position at work with better pay and a better schedule… which means seeing the hubs more… YEA!!!! I also have spent another year actively involved with CT-ALIVE in various projects to raise funds for victims of domestic violence, including my next run for the Running For The Color Purple Campaign this weekend.

I have taken on every challenge full steam ahead without ever taking my eye off the goal. Yet, despite everything I have achieved, I have yet to ever feel satisfied or fulfilled. Sure, it’s exciting when the task at hand is accomplished, but almost immediately my thoughts turn to the next challenge. There is no resting or stopping to savor the moment. I simply don’t know how to slow down.

The fact is, no matter what I do or goal I reach, I always feel like I have more untapped potential that I am just wasting. So many people go through life fearing failing above all else. I, on the other hand, fear not trying. I would rather chase a dream I only have a fraction of a chance of completing than go after one I know I can obtain. I want to live every moment to the fullest and know I used every ounce of my potential. I don’t want to waste a single second! When I leave this earth, I want to be sure I made the absolute best use of my time here. That is why I constantly feel pressure to do more to make an impact.

I know there is something greater I should be doing with my life; and, at times, I struggle with trying to figure out exactly what that is. I am well aware that I am not the brightest, most charismatic, or talented person out there, but I do have the desire, drive, and resolute determination to make a difference. I want to inspire people to chase their dreams. I want to change the way they view what is possible. I want to educate the public, demystify domestic violence, and give a voice to those victims and survivors who can’t speak for themselves. I want to do all these things on a larger scale than I am now. I want to affect lives!

That is why I see myself as an author and public speaker. I am already taking steps to get there. I have no idea how long it will take, but I intend to stick with it until I am successful. All the women I admire (Diana Nyad, Meredith Atwood, Brook Kreder…) all have something in common- They are inspiring others, particularly other women, by chasing their dreams. They all took on goals that other people questioned their ability to obtain, and they found a way to make them happen in spite of any obstacles. These are my role models. They have achieved the type of impact I want to make. (Okay, so realisticly, I am never going to achieve Diana Nyad levels of inspiring, but I would settle for my own TED talk… just putting it out there, Universe)

It may all sound a little looney; but I am a firm believer that the people who possess the power to change the world are those who believe they can.

I believe. I just need to figure out what my path is to get there.

In the meantime, I have been trying to remind myself that while it is great (and completely healthy) to constantly strive for more in life, it is also necessary to accept yourself as enough. It may sound contradictory, but it falls in line with Maya Angelou’s quote “Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.”

I may not feel like I have reached my full potential in life yet, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t continually strived to become the best version of myself. Everyday I am doing the best I can with what I have to work with. That in itself is something to be proud of. I will continue to push outside my comfort zone and challenge myself until I grow into a person capable of changing the world. However until then, rather than focusing on the destination, I intend to make a better effort at appreciating the journey and trusting that the universe will guide me.

No Room For Fear

“It’s less about the physical training, in the end, than it is about the mental preparation”
-Jimmy Smits

I am officially less than one week away from the biggest race of my “career” and one of the biggest challenges if my life (thus far anyway). With the recent set back of my IT bands/knees acting up and the knowledge that I will likely not be 100% by race day, I feel fully entitled to be completely freaked out right now.

However, nothing useful has ever been accomplished by getting all worked up over stuff that can’t be controlled. I mean it’s certainly not going to enhance my performance! Rather, it will just exacerbate the situation and make for a miserable racing experience… which kind of defeats the purpose of signing up in the first place… unless you’re a masochist, which I am not (contrary to popular belief).

Instead I’ve decided to make “No room for fear” my mantra for the Timberman 70.3. Why? Because it’s absolutely true. There is no room for fear when you are taking on the biggest challenge of your life. Fear is a distraction and a hindrance. Ain’t nobody got time for that! Not to mention that fear will suck every ounce of joy out of what otherwise could be an amazing day! You can’t simultaneously live in the moment of race day while worrying about all the horrible things that might happen… or the terrible pain you may be in… at some point… probably hours from now…

That’s not to say I’m immune from the nagging fear and doubt that looms in the pre-race period. Tapering is enough to make anyone question your sanity, let alone tapering while nursing an injury. The thing is, while I fully acknowledge their presence, I refuse to let the pre-race jitters undo me. I know I am going to be uncomfortable at some point during my HIM. There is also a good possibility I will be in a fair amount of pain on my run. It is even probable that I will be absolutely hating life by the time it’s over. Of course, it is also possible that I may have a mind blowing endorphin rush and one of the best racing experiences of my life. The best part is, they are not mutually exclusive. I could have a gloriously miserable race experience and still come out as a win. (I may have lost a lot of you there, but I know my fellow ultra runners and endurance athletes understand what I’m saying… or maybe you don’t because it’s late and I’m rambling…)

The good news is my knee issue conveniently started at a point when I was supposed to be tapering anyway. With just about all my training behind me, the most useful thing I could do was get it taken care asap and trust the work I put in over the past year. I was fortunate that a fellow Tri club member happens to be a chiropractor. She managed to squeeze me in almost immediately (Did I mention it was a weekend? How lucky am I to know great people!?!). Within a few visits she’s been able to break up the scar tissue along my IT bands and stretch my uber tight hips and hamstrings. With her help and lots of rest, ice, and elevation my knees are now pain free, but they aren’t 100%.

There is a good chance they still won’t be 100% on Sunday, but that is okay. Yes, it is a set back. Yes, it really stinks to have worked so hard and avoided injury so long just to blow up my knee on a short, flat run. Absolutely yes, taking extra rest time pre-race completely sucks; but it also beats the alternative. I would rather risk being undertrained the last couple weeks than overtrain and potentially develop a real injury.

Plus, there is always a silver lining. Going into this event not 100% has actually given me an opportunity to step back and allow myself not to expect my absolute best. Instead, I plan on being in the moment on race day. I want to savor the whole experience and revel in just how lucky I am to be able to spend an entire day enjoying the outdoors while doing a sport I LOVE. So while I could wallow in how awful it is to have a setback two weeks out, I’d rather say ‘How lucky am I that I get to just race this one for fun?!?’

At the end of the day, it isn’t about the time or PR for me. It’s about stepping out of my comfort zone and taking on a challenge SO BIG that I had to take on TWO NEW SPORTS to even attempt it. It’s about pushing past my fear of swimming and cycling and failing and growing into a person strong enough to get to the starting line. The real victory won’t be crossing the finish line. The real victory came from overcoming every obstacle along the way. To me, the Timberman 70.3 may be the biggest challenge yet on this journey, but it is also the icing on the cake. It’s a whole day of doing something I truly love in good company with tons of support. What could be better than that?

Now let me ask, when’s the last time you allowed yourself to race with no pressure?

Taking It Easy is Not So Easy

“Strange, what being forced to slow down could do to a person.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

Hello My Loves!

I am on day 11 of Purgatory, and it’s going about as well as you would expect. The first week was not so bad because I had been planning to take it easy after the REV3 anyway. Plus, I was sore and tired from surgery the first few days, so I didn’t feel up to doing a whole lot. I took advantage of my extra free time and caught up on writing, cleaning, spending time with my family, and even doing some gardening. Then week #2 started…

The funny thing I have learned about myself in all of this is that aside from work and working out (and my family), I don’t really socialize. Now that I haven’t been allowed to do either, I’ve had no one to talk to other than the hubs and my mom… which is kind of a bummer (possibly even more so for them…). I guess I could take this as a newsflash that maybe I should make some new friends outside of the gym and tri club, but then what would we talk about?

On the bright side, my yard looks great! Before my surgery I had decided it was time for a change, so I painted my front door BRIGHT (think FIRE ENGINE) red. Then I repainted my front steps because they looked kind of drab in comparison, and they were due for a facelift.

With all my recent free time, I figured the gardens could use an overhaul too… Which was totally allowed because it involved no heavy lifting. So I finally divided some of my plants that were going bonkers and moved them to other parts of the yard that were bare. Then I went to Lowes with my mom and we found a CONCRETE BULLDOG!!!! My mom decided Adam and I needed to have him, so she bought him for us for our anniversary. (Isn’t she the best?)

Our new guard dog… I still need to name him. I was thinking Uga… he sort of looks like one. Isn’t he cute !?! I know it’s not a metal chicken, but I still think he’s pretty awesome.

Anyway on Sunday the hubs left me all alone for the entire day while he did a century ride for the Tour De Cure… so being left to my own devices, I got into all kinds of trouble (obviously). First, I went to yoga, but it was all good because I warned the instructor that I just had surgery. I totally did not do any poses that would compromise my healing… and I NEEDED IT. It was SO RELAXING! It completely got all my jitters out… temporarily.

Then I figured I would just stop at Home Depot on my way home and see if they had mulch on sale because we really needed some for the gardens (with all the hot weather we’d been having my transplanted flowers were not happy… they needed something to cover their roots and hold onto moisture). It turned out they did have mulch on sale, and the bags were really light…. so I bought 12. In my defense, if the universe did not want me lifting those bags (which I reiterate were really light, and I only used my arms… no core… I swear) then they wouldn’t have been on sale. Plus, some nice guy loaded them in my car for me because apparently I look helpless being all feminine and such.

After my new friend and I got all the much in the car, I went back and bought a bunch more stuff… including a lot of stuff I probably didn’t need. The thing is, putting me in the garden department is like putting me in a running store. I can’t be trusted on my own. So, like I said, my yard looks great. Also just for the record I did ask my family for help with the mulch when I got home… and then took care of it myself when they didn’t come. I assure you that it was rather uneventful. I only had one small turf war with the wasps/bees (who have dug holes all over my garden and yard), but I am pretty sure I won. I have the hose to thank for that… that and my crazy ninja skills sneaking during the night. They looked pretty irate the next morning when they found their homes covered in a layer of wet newspaper and a few inches of mulch. I’m sure my neighbors thought I was nuts, but what else is new?

Aside from my antics with the yard, I have managed to stay pretty low key. Interestingly, with my all my spare time for reading and stalking the internet, I learned that my idol The Bloggess is suffering the same fate. She also recently had surgery because she had a Who trying to escape from her belly button. Clearly we live parallel lives because we are both so awesome. My friends have warned me that I too will have a hernia if I continue to push my luck post-op, but I have assured them that getting a hernia through a laparoscopic incision is actually incredibly difficult to do. In fact, I have actually only seen it happen twice in my whole career. I guess that just makes the Bloggess extra special… and talented.

Oh and speaking of my career, I got two separate packages from my coworkers yesterday to wish me a speedy recovery. I would like to remind you that these are surgical PAs and Nurse Practicioners… Look what they sent:

The cards said “get well soon,” but this is what I think it probably should have said…

Clearly, these are my people. They said they even waited a week to send all these treats, so I could actually enjoy them without getting sick… although I am pretty sure if I eat all of it, I will be in a sugar induced coma anyway. These are the same people, by the way, who think the amount of exercise I do is bad for me. Really guys?

In case you were wondering, I did bust open that candy and eat it. No, I did not even make a dent in it, however I did enjoy some peanut butter cups. MMmmmm Peanut Butter…. I also did not get sick or have pain after, which is pretty epic in my opinion.

That is all I have to update you on for now. Sorry for the long post, but I did add lots of pictures to make it more interesting! I hope you all have a fantastic day!!!!

#thriveon

Feeling Tri-Umphant

“Believe you can and you’re halfway there.”

-Theodore Roosevelt

You know how I’m always saying that “I will succeed because I am crazy enough to think I can”… Well this past weekend, I was crazy enough!

That’s right! It’s the post you’ve all been waiting for: My REV3 Olympic Recap

It would be wrong for me to tell you that it started Friday night with the race expo because the truth is, it started loooooonnnnng before that. It started as a little, tiny, glint-of-hope, pipe dream. It was one of those crazy goals that I wanted to do someday. It was so far out of my comfort zone, I never actually believed I would do it. Yes I hoped and I dreamed, but I couldn’t wrap my mind around ever getting there.

Through countless hours of training (and regular public humiliation) I learned to swim and bike… from scratch. Ten months later, I found myself at a safety briefing for my first real triathlon. It would have been far too sensible to start with a sprint distance. Instead, I had set my sights on a half and downgraded to the Olympic. I was clearly ~~smoking crack~~ out of my mind.

I am reasonably sure that the actual job of the race director who gave our briefing was to scare the bejesus out of all the newbie triathletes. I found this both cruel and sadistic. I had visions of him knocking over the ice cream cones of small children for fun while he spoke. After stressing how hilly and difficult the course was, he actually made it a point to say that the race officials would be focusing their attention on all the newbies who didn’t know what they were doing. Well thank you so much Mr. Sunshine, because I wasn’t terrified enough already.

After his glorious pep talk, I went home and couldn’t sleep. In fact, I called the hubs almost in tears on my way home. He assured me I would be fine. I made him promise that he would have told me if he thought I couldn’t do it. I tried my best to calm my nerves, but it was no use. I applied my race number tattoos (while second guessing where I was supposed to put them, convinced that it would invariably be wrong) and headed to bed.

By 3 am I was wide awake and still utterly terrified. There was no peaceful calm, no get it done attitude- just sheer terror. I forced down some water and sweet potato and headed back to the park and bike transition. I hadn’t racked my bike ahead of time because it was raining when I left. I did heed the advice of the director and arrived well ahead of check in only to find it completely empty. This dramatically dropped his credibility in my book. I tried to catch some sleep in between trying to cram last minute calories and frequent trips to the bathroom for that wonderful pre-race nervous pee ritual we all know and love (hate). Thankfully, I was forward thinking enough the evening before to have asked one of the transition volunteers about the set up, so I was at least fairly confident arranging my transition area.

Before I knew it, it was time to head to the shore. On my way, I saw my personal kayak escort from my open water swim! It was like the heavens themselves opened up and smiled down on me I was so relieved to see her! She told me I would be fine, and I actually believed her… for like 30 seconds before I hit the water. I did take the advice of the director and do a warm up swim. It definitely helped with calming my nerves. Once I was confident that I could swim without having an all out panic attack, I headed over to watch the other waves start.

I distracted myself by making friendly conversation with some other first time triathletes which, thankfully, gave me a sense of ease. In fact, I entered the water feeling relatively calm. I knew my task for the swim would be to remain calm and conquer my nerves. It is something I have had to do countless times being terrified of swimming from the beginning (who knew that’d turn out to be such a plus?). I just kept repeating “I love to swim” over and over in my head and focused on my stroke. The course went by fairly quickly, and I learned my first newbie lesson- wear tinted goggles when open water swimming. For approximately one third (the backstretch) of the course, I could not see anything above water due to the sun. Instead, I tried to follow the trail of bubbles in front of me and hoped that the people ahead of me knew where they were going. Once we were back on the final stretch, it was smooth sailing. I was complimented on my way out of the water for being the first to exit smiling- which is amusing when you consider I started in the 4th wave and got passed by a good part of the 5th (the last)… who literally swam over me. Did I mention that was the Athena wave (ie. Amazonian sized women)? Yea, that was not intimidating at all…

I took my time in transition because I knew I could. I didn’t want to rush and forget something. My goal for this race was simply to finish, and I knew I had enough people behind me in the water that I wouldn’t get pulled. I had no idea what my swim time was when I headed out for the bike. (It turned out to be 38:59) I was so relieved that the hubs and I had done the course earlier in the week as a test ride. I felt so much more confident knowing every turn and hill on the course. More than that, I had enjoyed the ride, and looked forwarded to repeating it. It was beautiful with rolling hills and picturesque scenery. There were two steep sections and a couple sucky hills, but there were also some AWESOME downhills with nice wide roads. The best part was that the bad uphills were in the middle of the course while the fun downhills were all in the second half. In my mind, they were my reward for all the hard work I had put in up to that point. I slid back on my seat, tucked in, and FLEW down those stretches (On the preview I clocked just shy of 40 mph!). I barreled past other riders- despite the fact that I managed to drop my chain on the way down. I had to stop twice to fix it at the bottom and toppled once unclipping, but none of that even remotely dampened my spirits. Even with dropping my chain and the stops, my bike took 1:54:39.

My free finisher photo. Thanks REV3!

My transition time between my bike and run was shorter than my first primarily because I ate while running out. The run course was hilly but completely manageable; and the miles went by quickly. Because I knew I was in no danger of getting pulled, I ran smart instead of fast. I picked a comfortable pace. When the hills got steep and I thought I could walk faster than run, I did. If ultra running has taught me anything it’s that there’s no point or glory in running when all you are going to accomplish is burning out your legs. It’s better to spare the energy and kill it on the downs and flats.

So that is what I did, and it worked for me. I finished the run strong- blasting through the finish (It’s amazing how much faster I can move when the end is in sight!) with a total time of 3:43. The hubs was there waiting with one of our friends. They had actually ridden out to meet me on the bike course and cheer, though, in truth, they met me going up while I was headed down and were completely out of breath. I was still happy to see their faces, nonetheless! I also was fortunate to have AMAZING support from the the Waterbury Tri Club peeps volunteering throughout the course. It was definitely a HUGE boost every time I saw any of them- and especially when I hit the aid station at mile 5 of the run and they all erupted into cheers. I would have stopped to hug each of them had I not been so ready to be finished!!!

I can’t even begin to explain what it feels like to work SO HARD for something and then FINALLY achieve it. Even though I still have not reached my dream of a half or full ironman, I did accomplish my goal of becoming a triathlete- and that is HUGE! I am now officially a woman who is too badass for just one sport. I swim, bike, and run. I will continue to swim, bike, and run until the day when I no longer can. There may even be an ~~Ironman~~ Full REV at Cedar Point 2015 on the agenda. Who knows what the future holds.

You can bet no matter where life takes me that I will keep pushing and challenging myself. To me, that’s what really living is. It’s taking risks, getting out of my comfort zone, and redefining myself everyday. #thriveon

Are you a triathlete? Thinking of becoming one? You may be interested in checking out the ladies below for some laughs and inspiration:

Brook’s Tri Sprint Recap: The raw, [uncensored] TRUTH about my race day mistakes. – Make sure you aren’t drinking anything when you read Brook’s blog or it may come out your nose. You’ve been warned! Also consider joining her Sole Sisterhood while you’re there! It’s completely free.

Swim Bike Mom’s Journey to 140.6: Week 3 of 24– Really you should just read her WHOLE BLOG and her book. In case you hadn’t noticed yet, I’m kind of a big fan. She speaks my language, and by that I mean snarky… oh and she refers to her lady parts as “the queen”… This may make us soulmates, but I don’t think she’s realized that yet so we’ll keep it on the DL (That’s “down low” btw)

Norma Bastidas’ Record Triathlon Brings Awareness– I first heard of Norma in reference to her ultra running, which is pretty darn amazing in its own right. I am not going to give you all the deets of what makes her such an awe inspiring individual because I really want you to read it yourself, but I will say that this women has truly persevered beyond just learning to swim for her Mega Triathlon (woman after my own heart…).

That is all for now my loves!!!! I hope you are having a wonderful week!

Go chase your dreams!!!!

Trust In Yourself and Your Training

“Never give up.

And most importantly, be true to yourself.

Write from your heart, in your own voice, and about what you believe in.”

-Louise Brown

Hello My Lovelies!

I meant to update you all sooner, but I had an unexpected detour. Before I get into the details of my recent #EPIC adventures, let me update you on the preceding events.

The weekend prior to my BIG RACE, I decided to go for a ride with my tri club peeps. I had originally hoped to do the Rev3 Olympic course for practice, but instead we did the local Griskus Olympic course. I wasn’t terribly disappointed because I figured any time on the bike would be good for me. Plus, I typically enjoy riding in groups more than riding on my own, so I thought it might be a good confidence boost. Turns out, it was not my greatest ride. In fact, it was my most disastrous in some time. I think this was partly due my nerves about the upcoming race and partly because I was super intimated by the group of individuals who came out.

Normally when I meet up with people from the club, there tend to be one or two people at my skill level. However, these people were all far more experienced than me not only with cycling, but triathlon in general. A few of them seemed surprised that I had signed up for the Rev3 Olympic as my first tri, especially given my obvious lack of confidence (and skill) with the bike. I did not even bother to mention to them that I had actually downgraded to Olympic and had originally planned on the half. Given that they were already questioning my sanity, I didn’t want to go ahead and confirm their suspicions for them.

Needless to say, before we even started our ride I was feeling out of my league. It only went downhill from there (cycling pun). Despite my best efforts to relax and have fun, I just couldn’t find my groove. I was fumbling with my pedals and even tipped over upclipping at the top of a hill. Then, because I had dirt in my cleat (I HATE you Speedplays), I couldn’t get back in my pedals to get down the hill. Everyone else was light-years ahead of me. And just because that wasn’t bad enough, I managed to get my chain completely stuck between two gears during a steep climb. For those of you unfamiliar with cycling, that means I had to dismount and fix it (not such a big deal)… and then try to get started again… uphill… on a steep incline… yea not so fun…

I can’t actually remember if I did anything else to embarrass myself on that ride. The whole experience was rather mortifying. I was frustrated because it was the mechanical stuff I was struggling with, not the actual riding. I knew I could do better, but everyone assumed I was just struggling because I was new. I did manage to run a few miles as part of a brick, but I still couldn’t relax. I felt like I was being silently judged (and unfavorably judged at that!)… I am sure that most of this angst was just my nerves and in my head; however, it was the little comments here and there I had trouble tuning out. Things like how the Olympic Rev3 bike course was very similar to the half, how hard open water swimming is, and how I should be doing my bricks in order (instead of swimming last which I still stand by as more efficient in terms of showering and making me a stronger swimmer… I mean if I am statistically most likely to die on the swim then doesn’t it make sense to make sure I am comfortable swimming tired? just saying…) kept working their way up into conversation.

So here’s the thing, I am just not a subscriber of the cookie cutter training method. I truly fail to believe that one training regimen can work for everyone. For example, what if I don’t feel up to a 10 mile run on the day it’s scheduled? Am I supposed to just push through and do it anyway? Where is the allowance for listening to your body? Plus, I find a lot of those plans require significantly more mileage than I would do on my own. Now that is not to say that they don’t work great for some people, but I just would rather do my own thing. I feel like I have trained for enough endurance events to know what I need to do to be prepared. Apparently, that makes other people a little nervous… especially Type A people.

The thing is, those people aren’t with me when I’m at the YMCA every Saturday morning doing 24-30 miles of spin, followed by a 7+ mile incline run, and a 1 to 2 mile swim. They aren’t there for the other countless miles I swim, bike and run. They aren’t with me when I’m running half marathons or ultras, and they have no idea that I’ve been cross training with a personal trainer twice a week. Beyond that they aren’t aware of what kind of background or mental conditioning I have had up to this point in my life, and they don’t know me.

All that being said, it’d be silly of me to take it personally. It’s not that I’m incapable in their eyes; it’s that they don’t understand where I’m coming from. There are some people who would just never sign up for a race they weren’t sure they would do well at, let alone finish. The way I train and challenge myself is scary to them, and that’s ok. I don’t need them to believe in me. I believe in myself.

Perhaps when those same people see me crossing those finish lines and chasing my dreams it might inspire them to break out of their comfort zones and do the same.

The Next Step

“All our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.”
-Walt Disney

Can you all guess what I did today? Anyone? Okay I’ll just tell you then. I started my book! I wrote the whole preface/introduction today. That means that writing a booking has gone from being one of the dreams I want to accomplish someday to one that I am currently making a reality. Holy cow!!! It doesn’t matter if it’s only a few pages because it’s started, and someday it will be finished. To be honest, I don’t care if it is ever published. It’s more about the principle of following through on something I’ve always wanted to do.

Up until this point I’ve have been doing the ground work. I’ve gotten into the habit of writing regularly. I put a lot of effort (and myself!) into this blog. I have found my voice and identity as a writer, and been more open and honest than I ever thought I would be. I’ve even built up my media presence. All these smaller goals I’ve set for myself have been stepping stones for this major leap.

I’m sure there are people who will be surprised or think I’m not qualified, but as far as I’m concerned their opinions don’t matter. Every great author was once an everyday guy or girl just like you and me. People aren’t born into greatness; they set out and create it. I will succeed because I am crazy enough to believe I can. I am a writer not because I have been published, but because I write. My message to the world is no less valid or needed than any other work out there today.

I believe in leading by example, and I want the world to know that you don’t need to have a perfect life or upbringing to get somewhere in life. Every life is full of setbacks and failure. It’s how we deal with them that builds our character. Does surviving trauma leave scars? Yes, absolutely! Does it mean that you are damaged? Heck no!

I would never wish the trauma I’ve experienced in my past on anyone, not even my worst enemy. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t appreciate the lessons I’ve learned from it. We all know that bad things can happen to good people. What we sometimes fail to realize is that good things can come from bad situations, good things like growth and strength.

I want people to know it’s ok to embrace your past along with your present and future- even if it’s ugly and full of mistakes. Take what you’ve learned and draw from it. Don’t for even a second stop to be ashamed. We all have made poor choices in our lives. They make us human. They don’t define us. It’s never too late to let go and start living fully. Nor is it ever to late to set a new goal or chase your dreams.

It’s not about living a perfect life. No one is perfect. Perfect is the enemy. It’s unachievable. Authentic, however, is achievable; and it’s a great way to go.

There is nothing particularly original about sharing my story from victim to survivor and ultimately thriver, however that is the point. I’m not some elite super athlete. I am an everyday women who took a rather round about journey to finding herself, a journey that involved a lot of anxiety, tears, self doubt, and crazy mileage and dreams. Never in a million years would I have ever believed that I would be a survivor of domestic abuse, but I also never dreamed I would be a marathoner, ultra runner, swimmer, cyclist, or triathlete. I am not fearless. If anything I am a huge chicken. I’m clusmy. I was cut (repeatedly) from my track team and kicked out of swim class, but I never quit. Now I am training for a Half Ironman.

Believe me when I tell you that “If I can do it, so can you!”

Becoming a Gear Girl

“I think I can. I think I can. I think I can. I know I can.”
– Little Engine That Could

Hello My Lovelies!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend, especially all the moms out there! I had an unexpectedly prolonged weekend due to be home sick from work on Thursday. That means I have been off from work for almost a week… Unfortunately, I spent more than half that time too sick to move from bed or the couch. I know! It was a total bummer and definitely threw a wrench in my training plans. The good news is, I still made it to our Tri Club Brick and BBQ with the hubs.

So here is the thing about that… Back when the hubs was in the Marines, he decided on a whim that he was going to do a Half Ironman (IM). Mind you, this was before he ever owned a bike. His training consisted of borrowing a bike from a friend and doing some swimming. Of course, he finished without a problem.

Fast forward a few years, and here I am almost 9 months into training (including learning to swim and bike), and I still don’t feel prepared enough to meet the time qualifiers. Why? Because I am not where I need to be with my cycling. This is something I have been aware of, however it became more abundantly clear at the duathlon… and even more so this weekend.

Now granted, I went into our group ride this weekend still under the weather, and most definitely dehydrated and short on calories. The hubs also skipped out on a real breakfast, but a 30 mile ride is a walk in the park for his cycling-loving-self. I have read in triathlon books that people who do Full IMs average 17-18 mph on the bike portion. Up until this weekend, I had no concept really of just how fast that is. Then our group ride started… and I was left in the dust. I am not exaggerating when I tell you I was literally last. I did actually catch up with two people in front of me, but the rest of the group was not even within viewing distance for the rest of the ride (aside from when they all pulled over and waited at the first few intersections… yeah, that didn’t last long).

I have to be honest when I tell you it was somewhat demoralizing. While I understand I am still a newbie cyclist, I have been on other group rides where I was not utterly annihilated by the rest of the riders. These people, on the other hand, were completely out of my league. Thankfully, the only two people I could keep up with were a married couple I knew from my swim class. However, even they were light-years ahead of me on every downhill due to my over generous utilization of my brakes. Did I mention I was the only one actually using them? I repeat, Out Of My League.

At least the view was pretty!

I was incredibly grateful to Tammy (the wife of the couple, who I happen to know better from our traumatic experience in beginner’s swimming) for keeping pace with me to chat for a while and waiting at intersections to make sure I wasn’t lost. There was also a more experienced rider from the group who periodically circled back to make sure we were all ok, and I was beyond appreciative of her as well. (She even gave me tips on climbing the hills, and was incredibly patient with my slow-as-heck self. God Bless her!)

In all honesty, if it had not been for Tammy, I probably would have broken down in tears. The ride was by no means an easy one, and the descents were nerve-fryingly, white knuckled, terrifying. The roads were wet which did not help my fears, and my husband was somewhere off in the front of the pack leaving me in the dust along with everyone else.

More beautiful scenery as consolation…

I kept telling myself that I am not a bad cyclist, I am an inexperienced cyclist. I also reminded myself how terrible I was when I first started swimming. At least no one was kicking me off the route! Instead, I heard only words of encouragement. After all, I was the only newbie cyclist out on that loop, and it consisted of a lot of killer hills. Here I was sick, dehydrated, and alone (for at least a good part of it), and I didn’t break down or quit. I stuck with it- even when I got super dizzy and light-headed. I drank from my water bottle, took some cliff bloks, and got back to pedaling.

I am pleased to report that I only toppled over once due to bumping a curb on my way up a steep hill. I also had one near miss, but was able to correct myself. I finished behind every other cyclist, but I finished… and I wasn’t far behind my back of the pack buddies. The hubs and the more advanced riders finished a full 20 minutes ahead of us… which I suppose isn’t too bad considering it was a 30 mile ride. Their average speed was in the 17-18 mph range, which consisted of riding between 40 and almost 60 mph down the hills (Um, no thank you...) I headed off on my run just elated to have survived (I think I exclaimed something to the effect of “Yea! I feel so much safer!”). Meanwhile, the hubs skipped his run and took a nap instead of finishing the “brick”.

I suppose when you achieve celebrity status with the Tri Club for your superior cycling talent, the run isn’t necessary. That’s right, my super shy and antisocial hubs is now Mr. Popular. Apparently when you ride in a group there’s a lot of chatting that goes on. I suppose I would know these things if I actually rode fast enough to keep up with other people… Can you believe he is already friends on Strava with all of them? One bike ride, and they are all BFFs. Go figure. I guess that’s what happens when you put a bunch of like minded, uber competitive, cycling fanatics together. How did I not see this coming?

What’s better is he even impressed Coach M and kicked her butt (her words) on the ride… though she admittedly likes the bike considerably less than the swimming and running.

In general, I have to say that I am pretty happy for the hubs. I do find it slightly ironic, though, that I am the one who dragged him into joining the YMCA and Tri Club with me; and now he is the popular one and I’m struggling (and failing miserably) to keep up. I guess that just means I have more work to do.

The good news is, I am getting the hang of bike maintenance a lot faster than the actual riding. I currently am able to de-grease and re-lube my chain. Plus, I now know how to get my wheels on and off to get all the nooks and crannies clean. The hubs even taught me how to floss my cassette with a rag to get it extra clean. Oh! And he happened to puncture one of his tires on the ride, so I got extra practice on changing flats. Pretty soon I think I will be at the point where I can do these things all on my own without the hubs for supervision. 😉

I biked today and lived! And I’m still smiling!

Today I spent the morning doing P90X chest and back, and then took some more time getting used to my bike. I spent 30 minutes focusing on starting, stopping, coasting, balancing on one foot, letting go of one hand, starting and stopping on hills, and then I tried to practice climbing the really steep hill next to my house… I had to stop when I started freaking my neighbors out with my wipe outs. So instead I came in and did another 14 miles on the bike trainer… in 80 degree heat and humidity. Can you say good time?

So sexy… I know you’re jealous…

It wasn’t glamourous, but I got it done. The way I figure, any time I spend on my bike is better than nothing! My next task (other than getting generally comfortable) is to start familiar with some of the nearby triathlon courses. In fact, I already mapped the REV 3 Half IM course in Map My Ride… I know it’s ambitious, but I figure I can do sections of it at a time and work up to the whole 56 miles. Hopefully. it shouldn’t take too long to get there.

That’s all I have to share for now. I hope you all are off to a terrific start to your week! My goal for this week is to survive work and continue to work toward becoming one with my bike. What are you hoping to accomplish?

Haters say what?

“That’s my gift. I let that negativity roll off me like water off a duck’s back.

If it’s not positive, I didn’t hear it.

If you can overcome that, fights are easy.”

-George Foreman

You know those super perky, obnoxious people who just seem to be happy about everything all the time for no reason? Does it make you just want to hate them? Well, I happen to be one of them. Okay, well not all the time. Certainly not when I’m at work anyway. However, I am when it comes to any kind of exercise. I truly LOVE and enjoy working out. I am an absolute endorphin junkie.

I remember back when my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, they prophylactically put her on prozac to avoid situational depression. She loved that stuff. She would always comment about how it was making her “fat” but she didn’t care because she felt so great on it. She said she would rather gain weight than give it up. That is how I feel about exercise. Sure I appreciate that is good for me, but mostly I do it for the endorphins. It is literally the only thing that helps my anxiety; so even if I gained a hundred pounds doing it and found out it wasn’t good for me… I think I’d still do it. I’m an addict.

Perhaps that is why I can’t seem to grasp how other people can workout and not enjoy it even a little bit… like not even when it’s over. Do they have endorphin resistance? Are they so determined to be grouchy that even a good workout doesn’t help?

What’s more, I can’t fathom why anyone who doesn’t enjoy exercise or racing would sign up for an endurance event.

Last weekend, the hubs and I had a fantastic time at the Waterbury Duathlon. However, there was a gentleman near me for much of the course who was ABSOLUTELY hating life. He was moaning and screaming up all the hills on the bike section, and I (being a friendly and supportive runner at heart) would yell encouragement to him each time I passed. (SIDE NOTE: This was primary because I have a compact crank that makes my bike better suited for climbing… and I’m tiny which also works to my advantage on the way up). While watching him struggle, I thought of suggesting he invest in having his bike properly fitted, but figured the timing would not have been good. Besides, what do I know?… well, at least a little more than this guy.

Anyway, apparently I annoyed the bejeezus out of him because when we were about halfway though our second 5K, he grumbled something to the effect of “Congratulations, you are the person I HATE this race.” At the time, I assured him that I was not trying to pass him and simply trying to run at a comfortable pace. He growled he would prefer if I just passed him already. Then, after making a rude comment about one of the finishers coming back through the course to cheer the other athletes on, he admitted to being an “angry runner” (two terms I didn’t think could ever be used together). So, I asked if he preferred cycling instead.

In retrospect, it was probably a really stupid question… just based on the amount he was screaming and carrying on during the bike leg. Which begs the question, if he hated the running and the cycling then what on God’s Green Earth was he doing there? It just sort of boggles my mind. I didn’t think people who ran and biked that far were capable of being so cranky. Perhaps he didn’t train enough, but still… what a tremendous waste of energy.

Here is was a beautiful day with a well organized event, and this dude was hating everything and everyone- me most of all, apparently. Well excuse me Mr. Grumpy Pants, but you’ll just have to pardon my enthusiasm. If you are truly in the habit of picking a person to hate every race; then maybe you, dear sir, need to find a new hobby.

The day that I stop loving and enjoying running and working out is the day I will stop altogether. What is the point of going out there and doing these things if not to enrich our lives? Sure, there are times when I hate the training and the discomfort during an especially long run or tough workout, but mostly I am grateful. I am grateful because there are so many people who give anything to be able to walk let alone run. I can do amazing things with my body, and that is a privilege. It’s also something that can change in an instant- a thought I try to remind myself regularly.

Above all things, trail running is pure bliss for me. Even in the midst of running a full ultra, I still love it. I smile the whole way through. I consider myself lucky to be able to take a whole day to myself to do something I love. I am not torturing my body when I’m out there running a 50K, I am challenging it. Yes, sometimes it can be painful, but that is what the training is for. More than anything, though, it’s empowering and rewarding. The reality is, there will come a day when I can’t run, bike, or swim anymore. Until that day comes, I am going to appreciate each opportunity I have. I will be chasing dreams until the day I die. That is what makes me feel most alive.

I just don’t understand how Mr. Grumpy Pants missed the boat on what a gift it is to be able to bike and run at all, let alone compete. Maybe I offended him because I made it look easy. Perhaps it was because I smiled and cheered on everyone around me. More likely it was my sheer joy and enthusiasm which resonated exactly the opposite of how he was feeling.

Regardless, it wasn’t my issue. I’m not going to dial down my enthusiasm and friendliness to avoid offending some cranky dude I’ve never met. Frankly, there is no pleasing people like that. The struggle they’re facing has nothing to do with you or me. It’s entirely with themselves. No one should ever feel obligated to apologize for simply being happy, genuine, and loving life.

Go out there and love life to your heart’s content. The world needs more passionate people. Be like George Foreman and let all the negativity around you just roll off your back. You know I’ll be in your corner. 😉

Why Would You Do That?

“Happiness comes only when we push our brains and hearts to the farthest reaches of which we are capable.”
-Leo Rosten

I have stopped telling people I’m training for a half ironman. In fact, I have stopped mentioning to people that I want to do tri’s at all. Why? Well, frankly, I am tired of people asking “why would you do that?” The first question in itself is not too bothersome, but the barrage that follows is: “don’t you have to swim?” “isn’t swimming hard?” “aren’t you worried about the swim?” “do you have any experience at that?” “don’t you think you should start with something shorter?” “you know I heard that course was hard”… It goes on and on.

While I appreciate the genuine concern, sometimes it makes me want to scream. OF COURSE I know the course is hard! It’s a half ironman! That is the whole point! Why would I expect it to be easy? Also, I am well aware there is swimming involved; but last time I checked, it was not impossible to learn to swim as an adult. As far as having experience, if we all waited to have experience at triathlons before ever doing one, I suppose none of us ever would, would we? Besides, I am an endurance athlete. My favorite race distance is 13.1 miles. I ride my bike for hours at a time. Why on earth would I want to do anything with the word “sprint” in it? The race would be over before I ever hit my groove. Plus, I just don’t move that fast. It’s not my thing, end of story.

People don’t understand this though when you try to explain it, so I’ve stopped trying. I know they don’t mean to rain on my parade, but I’m still tired of the negativity. I don’t want to be told I can’t or shouldn’t do something when my heart is already set on it; and I especially don’t want to hear how unhealthy my endurance training lifestyle is from people who drink, smoke, and over eat. I feel like there is something a little backwards when people chastise me for running long distances, but pat each other on the back for binge drinking and hooking up with random strangers.

What these people don’t understand, and there is no hope in explaining to them, is the deeper why: The is a reason I push my self through grueling endurance events that goes beyond a new record or shiny bling. It’s about building inner strength and reminding myself what I’m made of. I try to pick at least one race a year that is way outside my comfort zone because I don’t ever want to stop challenging myself or pushing my limits. I want to keep finding things that look impossible and prove to myself they aren’t. Every event is an opportunity to look fear and doubt in the face and then leave them in the dust. These events have helped mold my identity and make me feel good about myself.

For me, it’s also a reminder that all pain ends eventually. Not just on the race course, but in life. It’s a conditioning exercise in dealing with bad times and crisis. Anyone can handle life when things are going well, but doing these events gives me that extra faith in myself that I’ll be able to handle whatever else life throws at me as well.

When I was with my abuser, he made it a point to make me feel like I wasn’t good enough. He pointed out that I couldn’t handle “any little thing” and regularly pointed out everything he thought was wrong with me. He truly believed that I was weak and couldn’t handle life. Doing a half ironman (especially after selling my rings to buy a bike) will be my way of saying “hey pal, you couldn’t have been more wrong about me.” Even more than that, it addresses those little twinges of doubt that linger even years after the abuse. That little voice that creeps up and tells you that he may have been right...there’s no better way to silence it than prove it wrong.

At the end of the day, when I am out there in the midst of a race hating life and wanting to quit- that is when I am learning who I am and growing. That is when I feel most alive. I’m not out there to break any records or compete with anyone else. I am out there for me. It’s an investment in becoming the best possible version of myself. I don’t need cheerleaders at the sidelines or pats on the back, I just need me and the course.

I am ok if people don’t understand the why or think I’m strange. I’ve never been one to follow the crowd anyhow. The bottom line is I don’t know how to do anything half assed. Anything I am going to spend energy on- from my job to my life- I am going to give 100%. Therefore, if I am going to sign up for an event, it’s going to be the toughest one I can handle. In this case, it’s a half ironman. After that who knows… maybe a full ironman, and no I probably won’t share that I’m training for it. 😉